things_my_kids_say ovenbird In discussing getting a birthday present for her friend my daughter says, "she likes stuffies, as long as it's not food with eyes." 250414 ... ovenbird My daughter went to a birthday party and came back with serious swag. She tells me, dead serious: "I got these two pumpkins. They're friends." 250428 ... ovenbird My daughter used kids messenger to send me a picture of her foot in which she had drawn a red circle around her big toe. This was followed by a message: "There is a bump on my toe and I am concerned about it" This, folks, is parenting in a nutshell. 250503 ... ovenbird My son upon my arrival home, totally wrecked from my long journey, barely able to stay upright: "Can we have crepes tomorrow? (I DO make excellent crepes but could I have two seconds to settle in? The answer is no.) 250504 ... ovenbird My eight year old daughter: "Christmas sucks for adults. All you get is socks and deodorant." (I do not, in reality, ever recall getting deodorant for Christmas, but she insists that I once did.) 250505 ... ovenbird My daughter was tasked with removing roly-poly bugs from the school garden yesterday and was telling me about it this morning: "We all had to remove ten roly-poly bugs. They're eating the cantaloupe plants! And the watermelon plants! (I don't really care about the tomatoes) But the cantaloupe! The watermelon!" 250507 ... ovenbird 13 year old son: "No one told me it's Mother's Day. So I didn't make you anything. Happy Mother's Day!" (I did get a hug. I'll take it!) 250511 ... ovenbird My daughter, while playing the piano, "Music is like sentences, except there's bar lines instead of punctuation." 250517 ... ovenbird My son has a wiggly tooth that's driving him crazy. Last night I found him lying on the floor in the upstairs hallway trying unsuccesfully to pull it out. "I want this tooth OUT!" he says. "I'm not sure there's much I can do about it." "How much would it cost to have a dentist take it out?" "I don't think they'll do that unless there's a medically justified reason." "Is IT HURTS a medical reason?" "I doubt it" I leave him to his furious tooth wiggling. As of this morning it's stubbornly staying put. 250523 ... ovenbird My oldest is playing Rocket League and says: "I'm going to do a flip reset Musty double tap" Me: "I'm sorry, those words do not make sense in that order." 250525 ... ovenbird Walking home from her dance class my daughter turns to me suddenly and says, “I’m not against stray dogs anymore.” “Were you against stray dogs before?” I ask. “Well, yes. I didn’t like the idea of stray dogs, but now I’m okay with them because I know if they’re stealing something it’s because they want to live.” “I think that’s true of a lot of living things.” “Probably. Anyway, if I see a stray dog I won’t be scared.” “There aren’t really any stray dogs around anyway.” “Yeah, but theoretically…” “Okay.” 250601 ... ovenbird My daughter, when she hears Jeff Buckley's Yard of Blonde Girls: "This is inappropriate! Turn it off. This is not a song for eight year olds" "What do you mean?" "It has the word 'sexy' mom! This is not okay!" 250602 ... ovenbird At breakfast, my daughter suddenly says: "The substitute teacher I had yesterday only had nine toes!" 250606 ... ovenbird When asked if she wants to go to a baseball game my daughter says: “I don’t know. I don’t know anything about baseball.” She is informed that there will likely be food and she will get to spend time with her cousins. She says, “I’ll go if I can have a hotdog. It would be worth it for a hotdog.” 250608 ... ovenbird My son to his grandmother, spontaneously, at dinner: "Would you rather be killed with a fork or a knife?" "Umm...a knife I guess. It seems like a fork would take too long." "And that's what's going on in my head! Can we have pie yet?" 250609 ... ovenbird My daughter expressed deep annoyance at breakfast because the kids in her class keep yelling out "italian brainrot!" followed by nonsense such as "ballerina cappuccina." My daughter does NOT like nonsense. My son was able to give me a vague idea of what italian_brainrot is (he tells me that "Trallallero Trallalla is his favourite) but even after he walked me through this piece of meme insanity I didn’t understand it. The New York Times had a good article meant for clueless adults that provided further elucidation. Another article on scarymommy.com helpfully pointed out that "creating cultural capital that adults don't understand is a hallmark of childhood." The article then suggests that “you should not overthink any of this. It doesn’t mean anything.” It does mean something though. It means I’m old, and I don’t like it one bit. 250611 ... ovenbird My daughter, at breakfast: "Fun fact! Baby axolotls bite each other's arms off! It's okay though. They grow back." 250612 ... ovenbird My son: "Mom, never tell me to wear sunscreen in front of my friends again. That was SO embarrassing!" "Wait. I'm not allowed to suggest you use sun protection?" "Not in front of my friends!" "Doesn't everyone use sunscreen? Isn't that just a normal thing people do?" "I don't know. But it's embarrassing. Remember that time you came to the pool because I forgot sunscreen? People STILL talk about that!" "Okay.... I guess I'll just have to start telling all your friends to have safe sex instead." "Mom. NO. That's so much worse!" "So how am I supposed to keep you safe?" "I don't know. Just don't do it in front of my friends." 250620 ... ovenbird As I drive down the highway I hear my daughter counting in the backseat. "What are you doing?" "Counting the signs." A few minutes later. "Damn. There are a lot of them. What a waste." 250621 ... ovenbird In the car on the way to her year end dance recital, my daughter exclaims "I'm exervous" which she explains is a mix of excited and nervous. We decide there are two iterations: 1. Exervous which trends more towards nervous 2. Nercited which trends more towards excited She is currently vacillating between the two. 250622 ... ovenbird My daughter says: "Mom, why is the Mona Lisa so famous? It doesn't seem all that special. Honestly, I think some of your paintings are better than it." (This is quite possibly one of the best compliments I've ever received) 250627 ... ovenbird My father-in-law had a bridge spontaneously fall out of his mouth a few weeks ago. Then I had this conversation with my son over dinner: "Is grandad going to get his teeth fixed?" "Yes" "Why hasn't he done it yet?" "It takes time to schedule the work" "He'd better do it soon. He probably only has about ten years, max." 250628 ... ovenbird a conversation with my son: Me: "Wearing a white shirt probably wasn't the best choice when eating ribs" Him: "I didn't know we were going to have ribs" Me: "But you chose this restaurant specifically to have ribs" Him: "Oh. Yeah. I guess that's true. But I could have had a hamburger." 250629 ... ovenbird Me: "I don't want to keep having this argument. You have to drink water. It's required for you to stay alive. I've been fighting to get you to hydrate for thirteen years now. I'm so tired of it!" Son: "so don't fight. Just say to drink water." Me: "I DO and then you don't drink water and then you get headaches and stomach aches and then we're having a fight about water." Son: "the tap water doesn't taste good." Me: "we've had a jug of filtered water available for the last eight years" Son: "where is it?" Me: "SEE! This is what I mean. You've literally never poured yourself a glass of water! You don't even know where the water IS!" 250701 ... ovenbird My daughter: Mom! MOM!! There's a spider in the bathroom! And I did NOT say "salutations." I can't have a shower while it's in there. 250721 ... ovenbird The kids are rambunctious as we're approaching the border crossing from the US to Canada. They're singing an improvised song about how Canada is better than the US. I shush them and say, “do not say ANYTHING while we're talking to the border agents. Nothing silly. Really just don't talk unless they ask you a direct question.” My son says, “why? They can't do anything to us!” My dad says, “they can do anything they want. They can look up your butt if they want.” The kids think this is hilarious. “WHY?!” my daughter demands. I have to give a quick informative presentation about how sometimes people use their own bodies to smuggle drugs. The kids are flabbergasted. We get through the border without incident. From the back seat my daughter says, “phew! I'm really glad no one looked up my butt!” (I knew there was a reason I don't regularly cross the border.) 250722 what's it to you? who go blather from