things_my_kids_say ovenbird In discussing getting a birthday present for her friend my daughter says, "she likes stuffies, as long as it's not food with eyes." 250414 ... ovenbird My daughter went to a birthday party and came back with serious swag. She tells me, dead serious: "I got these two pumpkins. They're friends." 250428 ... ovenbird My daughter used kids messenger to send me a picture of her foot in which she had drawn a red circle around her big toe. This was followed by a message: "There is a bump on my toe and I am concerned about it" This, folks, is parenting in a nutshell. 250503 ... ovenbird My son upon my arrival home, totally wrecked from my long journey, barely able to stay upright: "Can we have crepes tomorrow? (I DO make excellent crepes but could I have two seconds to settle in? The answer is no.) 250504 ... ovenbird My eight year old daughter: "Christmas sucks for adults. All you get is socks and deodorant." (I do not, in reality, ever recall getting deodorant for Christmas, but she insists that I once did.) 250505 ... ovenbird My daughter was tasked with removing roly-poly bugs from the school garden yesterday and was telling me about it this morning: "We all had to remove ten roly-poly bugs. They're eating the cantaloupe plants! And the watermelon plants! (I don't really care about the tomatoes) But the cantaloupe! The watermelon!" 250507 ... ovenbird 13 year old son: "No one told me it's Mother's Day. So I didn't make you anything. Happy Mother's Day!" (I did get a hug. I'll take it!) 250511 ... ovenbird My daughter, while playing the piano, "Music is like sentences, except there's bar lines instead of punctuation." 250517 ... ovenbird My son has a wiggly tooth that's driving him crazy. Last night I found him lying on the floor in the upstairs hallway trying unsuccesfully to pull it out. "I want this tooth OUT!" he says. "I'm not sure there's much I can do about it." "How much would it cost to have a dentist take it out?" "I don't think they'll do that unless there's a medically justified reason." "Is IT HURTS a medical reason?" "I doubt it" I leave him to his furious tooth wiggling. As of this morning it's stubbornly staying put. 250523 ... ovenbird My oldest is playing Rocket League and says: "I'm going to do a flip reset Musty double tap" Me: "I'm sorry, those words do not make sense in that order." 250525 ... ovenbird Walking home from her dance class my daughter turns to me suddenly and says, “I’m not against stray dogs anymore.” “Were you against stray dogs before?” I ask. “Well, yes. I didn’t like the idea of stray dogs, but now I’m okay with them because I know if they’re stealing something it’s because they want to live.” “I think that’s true of a lot of living things.” “Probably. Anyway, if I see a stray dog I won’t be scared.” “There aren’t really any stray dogs around anyway.” “Yeah, but theoretically…” “Okay.” 250601 ... ovenbird My daughter, when she hears Jeff Buckley's Yard of Blonde Girls: "This is inappropriate! Turn it off. This is not a song for eight year olds" "What do you mean?" "It has the word 'sexy' mom! This is not okay!" 250602 ... ovenbird At breakfast, my daughter suddenly says: "The substitute teacher I had yesterday only had nine toes!" 250606 ... ovenbird When asked if she wants to go to a baseball game my daughter says: “I don’t know. I don’t know anything about baseball.” She is informed that there will likely be food and she will get to spend time with her cousins. She says, “I’ll go if I can have a hotdog. It would be worth it for a hotdog.” 250608 ... ovenbird My son to his grandmother, spontaneously, at dinner: "Would you rather be killed with a fork or a knife?" "Umm...a knife I guess. It seems like a fork would take too long." "And that's what's going on in my head! Can we have pie yet?" 250609 ... ovenbird My daughter expressed deep annoyance at breakfast because the kids in her class keep yelling out "italian brainrot!" followed by nonsense such as "ballerina cappuccina." My daughter does NOT like nonsense. My son was able to give me a vague idea of what italian_brainrot is (he tells me that "Trallallero Trallalla is his favourite) but even after he walked me through this piece of meme insanity I didn’t understand it. The New York Times had a good article meant for clueless adults that provided further elucidation. Another article on scarymommy.com helpfully pointed out that "creating cultural capital that adults don't understand is a hallmark of childhood." The article then suggests that “you should not overthink any of this. It doesn’t mean anything.” It does mean something though. It means I’m old, and I don’t like it one bit. 250611 ... ovenbird My daughter, at breakfast: "Fun fact! Baby axolotls bite each other's arms off! It's okay though. They grow back." 250612 ... ovenbird My son: "Mom, never tell me to wear sunscreen in front of my friends again. That was SO embarrassing!" "Wait. I'm not allowed to suggest you use sun protection?" "Not in front of my friends!" "Doesn't everyone use sunscreen? Isn't that just a normal thing people do?" "I don't know. But it's embarrassing. Remember that time you came to the pool because I forgot sunscreen? People STILL talk about that!" "Okay.... I guess I'll just have to start telling all your friends to have safe sex instead." "Mom. NO. That's so much worse!" "So how am I supposed to keep you safe?" "I don't know. Just don't do it in front of my friends." 250620 ... ovenbird As I drive down the highway I hear my daughter counting in the backseat. "What are you doing?" "Counting the signs." A few minutes later. "Damn. There are a lot of them. What a waste." 250621 ... ovenbird In the car on the way to her year end dance recital, my daughter exclaims "I'm exervous" which she explains is a mix of excited and nervous. We decide there are two iterations: 1. Exervous which trends more towards nervous 2. Nercited which trends more towards excited She is currently vacillating between the two. 250622 ... ovenbird My daughter says: "Mom, why is the Mona Lisa so famous? It doesn't seem all that special. Honestly, I think some of your paintings are better than it." (This is quite possibly one of the best compliments I've ever received) 250627 ... ovenbird My father-in-law had a bridge spontaneously fall out of his mouth a few weeks ago. Then I had this conversation with my son over dinner: "Is grandad going to get his teeth fixed?" "Yes" "Why hasn't he done it yet?" "It takes time to schedule the work" "He'd better do it soon. He probably only has about ten years, max." 250628 ... ovenbird a conversation with my son: Me: "Wearing a white shirt probably wasn't the best choice when eating ribs" Him: "I didn't know we were going to have ribs" Me: "But you chose this restaurant specifically to have ribs" Him: "Oh. Yeah. I guess that's true. But I could have had a hamburger." 250629 ... ovenbird Me: "I don't want to keep having this argument. You have to drink water. It's required for you to stay alive. I've been fighting to get you to hydrate for thirteen years now. I'm so tired of it!" Son: "so don't fight. Just say to drink water." Me: "I DO and then you don't drink water and then you get headaches and stomach aches and then we're having a fight about water." Son: "the tap water doesn't taste good." Me: "we've had a jug of filtered water available for the last eight years" Son: "where is it?" Me: "SEE! This is what I mean. You've literally never poured yourself a glass of water! You don't even know where the water IS!" 250701 ... ovenbird My daughter: Mom! MOM!! There's a spider in the bathroom! And I did NOT say "salutations." I can't have a shower while it's in there. 250721 ... ovenbird The kids are rambunctious as we're approaching the border crossing from the US to Canada. They're singing an improvised song about how Canada is better than the US. I shush them and say, “do not say ANYTHING while we're talking to the border agents. Nothing silly. Really just don't talk unless they ask you a direct question.” My son says, “why? They can't do anything to us!” My dad says, “they can do anything they want. They can look up your butt if they want.” The kids think this is hilarious. “WHY?!” my daughter demands. I have to give a quick informative presentation about how sometimes people use their own bodies to smuggle drugs. The kids are flabbergasted. We get through the border without incident. From the back seat my daughter says, “phew! I'm really glad no one looked up my butt!” (I knew there was a reason I don't regularly cross the border.) 250722 ... ovenbird My mom, sleep deprived after a few rough nights, managed to spill a container of sugar not once, but twice, today. She followed that up with spilling a jar of thyme all over the floor while making dinner, then causing a bunch of cans to fall out of the fridge. This evening, when we were at the river eating ice cream cones, my son turned to my mom and said, without cracking even a hint of a smile: “congrats on finishing your ice cream without spilling it.” 250802 ... ovenbird At bedtime, after enduring a tooth extraction today, my daughter said, “tell me what they did! Tell me what tools they used!” I described the surgical pliers they used to pull her teeth out. She considered it a minute. “Ah,” she said. “Pliers. Classic.” “What do you mean, classic?” I asked. “It's in all the books mom!” she replied as if I was completely clueless. “What on earth are you reading?!” I asked, but she had already gone off to brush her remaining teeth. 250813 ... ovenbird I was out shopping for back-to-school clothes with my daughter. She has become concerned with fashion the past year and was excited to pick out a fall wardrobe. In every single dressing room she did at least four runway poses, flashed a peace sign at herself in the mirror, and declared "slay!" Not laughing was hard. So hard! 250816 ... ovenbird A conversation with my daughter who suddenly says, “Kids are more fun than adults” “Are you saying I'm not fun?” I reply. I'm pretty sure I already know the answer and brace myself. “All kids think that. Kids are just cooler. All you do is read and paint.” “Those things aren't fun?” I ask, then continue, “I also write, and birdwatch, and play the violin, and sing, and take long walks.” “That's boring.” “You think I'm boring?” “Most of the time, yeah. All kids think that Mom. It's just how it is.” So in case anyone was wondering, I am no fun at all. 250820 ... nr these posts always make me laugh. you should add "am funny" to that list! kids are so hilariously honest. 250820 ... ovenbird My son after his first day of work ever in his entire life: “The work day is so LONG!” My daughter, picking a treat at the Rocky Mountain Chocolate shop: “I'm not going to get a candy apple because I really don't have many teeth right now.” 250821 ... ovenbird My daughter, while petting the dog: "Mom, are you sure we didn't accidentally get a cat?" "I'm pretty sure he's a dog," I say. "Yeah but..." She starts enumerating points using her fingers--"he's lazy, which is a cat trait. He sleeps all day--cat trait. He hates water--cat trait. He doesn't like walks--CAT TRAIT." "You know. You might be right." "He's definitely part cat." 250828 ... ovenbird After helping my daughter with something she was sure I couldn't help with I say, "sometimes I know what I'm talking about you know!" She frowns and says, "about one percent of the time maybe." 250829 ... ovenbird Daughter: “mom did you brush your hair this morning.” Me: “yes” Daughter: “wow. Okay. You really can't get after me for not brushing my hair when yours looks like THAT!” Me: “thanks. I didn't want to hold onto a single shred of self esteem anyway…” 250902 ... ovenbird My daughter, while having her severely broken arm x-rayed, hears me say "oh my god" when the picture of her snapped bones comes clear on the screen. She was pretty high on the fentanyl they gave her for the pain and was in a chatty mood. She said to the X-ray technician: "Yup. I can tell it's bad. My mom sounds anxious. Well, to be honest, she's anxious all the time. But I guess this is a good time to be anxious." 250906 ... ovenbird My son, when my daughter comes home from the hospital with a McDonald's Happy Meal: “Lucky! No wait…I take that back. Enjoy your chicken nuggets.” 250906 ... ovenbird Back in the hospital and having yet another x-ray, my daughter is regaling the radiologist with tales of her broken arm trauma. “I had to have two IVs,” she says, “because the nurse couldn't find a vein the first time.” My child holds up her hand so the radiologist can see the back of it. “I can see a vein right here!” she says defiantly, pointing to a patch of her pale, translucent skin. “I can literally SEE it. So I don't know why they couldn't find it! I could have done the IV myself.” 250907 ... ovenbird I set a plate down in front of my daughter with a cinnamon swirl bagel on it for breakfast. She takes one look at it and declares, "this looks like a banana slug." She refuses to eat it. 250909 ... ovenbird My daughter tells me that when she was stung by a bee last year at school the playground supervisor made her lick it. “What?!” I say. “Yup. She forced my head down to my arm and made me keep licking it. She made me!” What. The. Fuck. 250911 ... ovenbird This morning my daughter came up to me while I was eating breakfast, made a haphazard attempt to brush my hair, then said, "I sure hope my hair never looks like yours." 250916 ... ovenbird My son on his way to school: "Here's my tooth... It's still bloody..." [drops his gory molar into my hand] "You owe me four dollars." 250918 ... ovenbird My son has ADHD and he struggles with short term memory. He's taken to sending me text messages to help himself remember things. Today he sent me a message that says: “If I say I lost my sweater I just forgot it's in my locker” In addition to this being kind of hilarious, I'm really proud of him for recognizing that his brain is likely to forget where he put his sweater and then finding a mechanism for jogging his memory. 250919 ... ovenbird My son just came upstairs carrying my bamboo matcha whisk and asked if it was a head scratcher. I had to triple check that he hadn't used it in this fashion. Last thing I need is dandruff in my tea. 250924 ... ovenbird My daughter started crying after discovering she's going to need a filling for a cavity. "You're getting an awful lot of practice being brave," I said. "I'm not practicing," she said. "I AM brave." Good point. She's been through more than her fair share of medical procedures recently. This had better be the last one for a long time. 250925 what's it to you? who go blather from