the_education_of_e_o_i epitome of incomprehensibility Growing up with things like The Baby-Sitters Club and Sweet Valley High, plus many American movies, I got the impression that high schools consisted of strictly defined cliques. Yes, yes, I was naive and sheltered, but I did get a unique educational experience moving from: 1) local elementary school, partly French immersion, where I had great friends even though I sang loudly about Antarctica in the school bus and threw a glue stick at someone when group work went sour (protesting as the teacher's helper led me down the corridor to the principal's office, "But I didn't THROW it at her! I just sort of dropped it on her!") to 2) conservative Christian school using avant-garde Kumon-style workbooks (I found that the math was much better explained than in my next school) that also taught young-Earth creationism (God killed all the dinosaurs in the flood! Really!) to 3) artsy sort-of public high school, with extra music/art/drama classes for an extra $500 a year ("Eliezer," "souvenir," and "mixed_tape" - should it be mixtape? - belong to that time) Anyway, when I got to the third school, at fifteen years of age, I thought there'd be the jocks, and the nerds, and the band kids... In fact, most students were band/orchestra kids, unless they'd dropped out of the orchestra and were assigned to piano by default, or were actual pianists, OR entered the school after eighth grade and so weren't taught any orchestral instruments. We keyboarders, all six of us, took our "Instro" class in a dull grey room with ten or more electric keyboards, each with its own headphones so that people wouldn't bother each other. Usually the teacher wouldn't bother us either, unless we talked too much. Eliezer and A. the Pan-European Girl could play very seriously, Bach's Goldberg Variations and such; the others were beginners playing "Twinkle Twinkle" and simple chords; and I was in the middle, pounding away at Beethoven's "Sonatina in F Major" or one of Pal Kadosa's more modernist offerings... but only sometimes, when I wasn't playing my own songs. No one bothered to check. There, I composed "Sunshowers" which had decent counterpoint but an awfully corny name, and other quasi-classical things. I liked that class: quiet but musical, individual but convivial. Anyway, I was relieved that there weren't any obvious cliques. The English class occasionally argued about Star Wars vs. Star Trek or Lord of the Rings vs. Other Things That Are Not Lord of the Rings, but it wasn't serious. Friendships were fluid and there didn't seem to be many fixed groupings. Even the French and English "sides" weren't separate; students actually dated across enemy lines. So, picture naive, fifteen-year-old e_o_i (generically blond-brown hair, short stature, pimples, and an outfit involving jeans) sitting at a cafeteria table eating lunch while discovering, to her horror, one girl talking stereotypical shit about another girl behind her back. The shit-talker wasn't a vapid Mean Girls mean girl either. She was the one who'd sent the Penii of Pompeii postcard from Italy to her aunt (re: souvenir). She was generally an open-minded and easygoing person, but here she was saying that Other Girl was a slut and a slob too, because she'd bent over in low jeans revealing her ass crack. It didn't end there. You could imagine, Creative-Plural-Form-Postcard-Person said, a piece of shit hanging from that ass and you wouldn't be surprised AT ALL. Well, I was surprised and disappointed. I must have thought the absence of cliques meant that people were always nice. Hypocrisy alert! Oh, and if I insist on labeling the self I was back then, I think "wannabe nerd" would sum it up nicely. Nerds have wannabes too, you know. 140523 ... epitome of incomprehensibility Teenagers are weird. So are everyone else. In other news, I'm taking only one class this term (not like Fall 2020, in which I exhausted myself doing Historical_Linguistics and Intro_to_German). Now it's just the 2nd German. I dunno why, when I turned 32, I decided "That's it, I need more languages in my life" but I want to learn Spanish too. 210112 ... nr the_e_of_e_o_i? :) i liked this. i also read all the babysitters club books (the new netflix series is actually really sweet and lovely) and LOVED the sweet valley twins books (when they were in middle school). the sweet valley high books with their description of the twins as "blonde, blue-green eyes, perfect size 6" makes me roll my eyes now though. i think i kind of got a false impression when i was young about a lot of people in california being blond because of those books. 210115 ... e_o_i answers at last I heard good things about that show! And I was a fan of the BSC series as a kid, even when my mother wanted me to read something more "my age." Me: But Mom, I'm 13 and the characters are 13! It was usually decent writing - at least I remember it that way. Like I'd read everyone's descriptions even though they mostly repeated each book. And then attempting to relate to characters! Claudia's my favourite, although I'd say Kristy/Mary-Anne would be more of a personality match. It's the art and the clothes and the attitude. No one really had an attitude like her until Abby came along, and then it was a different attitude. Gah, I like them both. They both have a sense of humour. Anyway, compared to that, I barely remember the Sweet Valley Twins. Honestly, it was mostly pure fiction to say *those* particular series was where I got the idea of cliques from, since I don't really remember where from. 210427 ... the e (editing) of e_o_i Error in subject-verb agreement above. See if you can spot it. Also, from months ago, "So are everyone else" should be "so IS everyone else." 210429 ... e_o_i Anyway, to the point: I've applied to the linguistics programs at McGill at Concordia, with a view to finishing another degree by 2023. I'll probably take Concordia - if they'll have me - since I've done two classes there and it'll be easier to apply the credits I've already done as an independent student. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand my boyfriend is doing a post-doc for two years. In England. So the idea is that we're both doing academicky things after which, if everything works out, we'll both be more qualified to teach things, or do more research. Hopefully together. 210429 ... e_o_i YES YES YES I got accepted at Concordia for linguistics and they can transfer enough credits so that I can actually finish the degree in two years!! I mean, fingers crossed for the timing part. But yes, I got in! 210503 ... e_o_i Sanskrit Everyone_is_mostly_illiterate 210511 ... e_o_i ...And now I'm facing the fact that I'll be a full-time student again in little more than a week. Hooray? Help? 210829 ... tender square i’ve got some tips, if they are helpful (i just finished a graduate program in may). starting my program i had major imposter-syndrome and was pulling 8- to 10-hour days, every day, because i thought i needed to. these tips were given to me by mr. tender square from when he went through his grad program, and when i finally listened and implemented them, it made grad school feel bearable. - make a list at the start of each week with all the readings and assignments you have due with their deadlines for the days ahead - try to estimate how long each activity should take you to complete and write that down too (e.g., two hours to read three chapters or whatever) - stick as closely as you can to those time limits (you may find you need more time at first, but can gradually reduce as you feel more comfortable with the material and your profs) - set one day aside a week where you don’t do any school work at all and protect that time at all costs (you can use this day towards the end of the semester if you need to get everything in, since it’s a necessary evil) - if you have a day during your week that is busier than the rest, don’t do any work on that day either, just use your energy to get through what’s required (in my first year i had to be at school from 8:30 am to 9 pm every wednesday night. i had some short breaks in between things but i didn’t even try to work that day, my focus was just surviving) i don’t know if you have to teach at all in your program (i did), but i’ll add that setting expectations with students is crucial. in my syllabi i made it clear that i would respond to emails within 24 hours, that i didn’t respond to messages after 5 pm, and that i didn’t respond to messages on weekends. and i made sure that notifications on my phone were off so i wouldn’t be tempted to check-in on students. i never got any complaints about my availability in teacher evaluations. 210830 ... tender square oh, and i forgot to say, congratulations! :) 210830 ... e_o_i Thanks! I made a note of the "weekly work list" part, which will go well with my calendar system. When doing my MA in English lit, I did none of that. Plus, my ADHD wasn't diagnosed until halfway through and it took another term to finish my project. Fun times! What I'm doing now is another undergrad degree, but I *might* have a TA position next semester. (The Concordia linguistics department is tight-knit and small; it's too bad they don't have a graduate program in it, but that means that you can be a TA without being a graduate student.) Anyway, impostor syndrome is definitely a thing! For me it was about (perceived) sophistication and its lack. I remember feeling silly after telling a prof that a motel I'd stayed in for a conference was "fancy" because it had an ironing board and iron in the room. He laughed. That same prof was the one who wanted to kick me out for not meeting deadlines, incidentally, not that the two are connected. But that small conversation spoke to a real, albeit small, class difference: not rich vs poor exactly, but upper vs lower middle class. Most of the students came from families with more money than mine. If I'd come from an actual working class background, I imagine it'd be vastly harder. bell hooks wrote a chapter about this called "Confronting Class in the Classroom" in part of a larger book on education. 210831 ... e_o_i First day of classes! (Well, my classes; school actually started on Tuesday.) They were good, but I'm exhausted, reduced to a husk of myself that can only come up with silly puns. Q: What did the Christian linguist say? A: Jesus paid for your syntax! 210908 ... raze congratulations on passing the milestone of your first day, i say! and please accept these rainbow-coloured kudos for being very_punny even when you're tired. 210909 ... raze (it occurs to me now that i probably should have said "marking the milestone", instead of making it sound like it was something painful that needed to be passed like a kidney stone. i gotta keep my stones straight.) 210909 ... e_o_i Ha, that didn't even occur to me! But you're the one who pointed out that "syntax" sounds like sin tax. (The question is, it is a harmonized sales tax, like in Ontario? Or counterpointed, as in Quebec?) 210909 ... e_o_i Here's what I quit writing about in "quitting": the most stressful part of my MA. It was mostly, if not all, my fault and hurt more people than me. ... The main point is that, on April 17, 2012, I hit a friend in the face with a wine glass. They were the only person in my program I was really friends with, and it happened when a group of us were at a bar, celebrating the near-end of term. I'd missed a bus and was upset. People told me to calm down and drink another glass of wine. And I did. I was tired and that morning I'd doubled my dose of Vyvanse (20mg to 40mg) on the doctor-who-was-NOT-a-psych-expert's orders. Doesn't sound like much, two glasses of wine and 40mg of Vyvanse taken hours earlier. And a different lightweight (literally, metaphorically) might've just gotten goofily drunk. The problem was that I'd spent ages 11-20 terrorizing my parents and brother by hitting, threatening, and throwing things at them when I got angry. Occasionally smashing picture frames or glasses. Also "running away" (on foot or by bike, and never staying anywhere overnight - in retrospect this part wasn't so bad). Weekly or more when I was younger, monthly or less as an older teen/young adult. So those violent habits had programmed violent reactions somewhere in my mind. Return to the scene: I was still upset about the bus, so I asked one person if I could borrow her smartphone to look up how to walk home. Other people: But look, just take a cab. I/we don't have change, but you can ask the driver to stop at the bank on the way. A., who had the phone, was a little drunk too, and while I was fiddling with Google Maps to see the route, she wanted to have her device back, saying I didn't know what I was doing. Me, tearful, surrendering it: "I can do things without having a cell phone or a boyfriend or a car!" Then S., my only friend in that program, put a hand on my shoulder and said something intending to calm me down. They were sitting on my left. I raised my left hand and hit them. The thing was, I meant to, in that moment, but I didn't register that I still had my glass in that hand. They stood up with a shriek and held their hands to their face, leaning forwards. I was saying sorry, asking if they were all right. Someone gave them a napkin. A. looked at me as if she were about to deck me. I said, "I'm going to have a panic attack!" and rushed out. The cab driver asked if I was all right. I asked him to stop at the bank, and that worked out fine. When I was home I worried that the police would drive up and arrest me. I hoped they wouldn't because the people I was staying with had a young child and a baby, and I didn't want to wake them up. I sent some emails, tried to sleep - managing an hour or two. S. didn't have serious injuries, no glass in their eyes, nothing broken. But they had cuts on their nose and maybe cheek. And they'd told me before about having an emotionally abusive relationship with an ex. As if it isn't stressful enough, being randomly attacked by someone you're trying to help! ...Oddly, this time there was no serious threat of kicking me out of the program. I did have to apply for an extension to my final project, but getting this seemed much easier (and the university was getting money for the extra term). At least two profs knew about the incident, but they didn't do anything other than bar me from the main grad room while S. was still processing things. I thought that was temporary, but S. wouldn't speak to me. Once I saw them in the hall and followed them to the grad room, talking to them at the door, on the pretense that they had one of my books. That was true, but then I said we had to talk and straighten things out. Then they looked straight ahead, said they didn't want to. I was crying when I ran into the grad program director. He was using his height and sports-coach demeanor to his advantage, saying not to threaten his students or he'd kick me out (of the building, not the program). I said I would get the things from the TA office, where I'd been banished, and go. I was angry at him for being physically intimidating, but also ashamed of myself for harassing someone, especially what was supposed to be a refuge-type place. Trying to contact them before that seemed OK; demanding conversation, forgiveness, was not. I cleared my stuff from the TA office, put it in three or four bags and walked back to the house. An hour in the hot sun. I wondered if I'd faint from carrying a load like that, but my body was stronger than I gave it credit for. Then I emailed the program admin who had also been in a nearby office and apologized, telling her I wouldn't be in that particular building while the other students worked there. I never talked to S. again, nor they to me. Why should they? But I'm still a bit bitter about the other people in my program - well, the 7 who knew. They didn't refuse to talk to me outright, but when I tried what I thought was friendliness, e.g. offering P. and his girlfriend seats in front of me at a poetry reading, they were noticeably distant. And I didn't want to push it, to harass them too, so it's not like I tried to seek them out. That summer I ran across the others once or twice. In the fall, while I was finishing my project, they were done and off - wherever they were off to. I did ask two of them, years later - then another one of them, recently - to "connect" on LinkedIn. No reply. Curse Business Facebook for suggesting the possibility. Woe on me for clicking. Why am I still sad about that? It's very strange. I didn't even know those people well. I don't understand myself. 211004 ... e_o_i Huh. I wrote about this seven years ago on je_ne_regrette_rien. The details of the argument were probably better remembered the first time. The second time, though, I wrote "they" instead of "she" for S. on purpose. Earlier this year, I ran into an announcement of a talk/book launch (my memory has deleted the details) by S. which gave they/them pronouns. Weirdly, I felt relief: "Oh, if they're non-binary, they're sort of a different person than before. So I can feel better now." Logic! A few weeks later I found the book they'd taken by mistake: Rob the Plagiarist. It was in used bookstore called The Word. I bought it, took it home. It gave me what I thought of as a headache. The "found" poem about what people saw through a window, the one constructed from Google searches, still struck me as powerful, but the Da Vinci Code conceit seemed a little silly. 211004 ... e_o_i attempts linkages "Memorize" and "eighth_grade_reunion" share bits of it. 211114 ... e_o_i This past term, it wasn't so bad being an almost full-time student again, and 3/4 classes were in-person, which was a more sociable experience. But by the end I was pretty exhausted, since work took up a lot of time in November. 220106 ... e_o_i Now it's New_Year_New_You. Okay, new term. I had my schedule pretty well planned out: three classes, everything on Mondays and Wednesdays. Then came the disruptions. The first one was a good one! I was accepted to one of the TA positions I applied for. Classes are Fridays, not my first choice, but I know and like the Sociolinguistics prof. I've had a couple of meetings with her since, and it seems she'll be good to work with. The hassle? Getting my employee account set up, which involves both the HR and tech departments and they're not set up in a way where they communicate with each other. I still haven't gotten my contract signed, of all things. Then came the announcement that, because of the COVID surge, the first week of classes would be online. Then the first TWO weeks of classes. And maybe more. So now I have to manage things on Zoom - not terribly hard things, just pressing the "Record" button at the right time and switching between slides, but the only practice I'll have will be an hour and a half before class and there will be sixty or seventy students... And earlier this week, I got an email from my Sanskrit prof saying that he's doing a special course in more advanced Sanskrit and would I like to join? Me: I think so. When I call David, he's dealing with his own more worrisome bureaucratic tangle-ups, with things he needs to get before he leaves for England on Saturday, but he seems to welcome the chance to help me plan out classes. Maybe as a breather from his own worries. Take the Sanskrit, he urges. It's a good opportunity. (The prof will be on sabbatical next year, so it won't be offered next term.) I didn't want to take four classes PLUS the TA job and assorted tutoring - David also thought it'd be too overwhelming - and we both thought it'd be best to drop Intermediate German. Phonetics? No, it was reputed to be easy (by Patrick and Elly from who_you_know, at least). Indo-European linguistics? No, it'd go well with the Sanskrit. So bye-bye, GERM course in a pandemic. I'll miss you. Yes, really! And I still do want to take German at Concordia, though David recommended the Goethe Institute instead. I can probably do it in summer or fall, toes crossed. The schedule for "advanced" Sanskrit still isn't crystallized and will probably be on Tuesday or Thursday. So much for only doing school stuff two days a week! But the TA job means money and, if I do well, helpful-for-me experience, Zoom and all. And I can be helpful to students, hopefully. So, onward! 220106 ... e_o_i First day as a TA of a class, doing things online. Whew! The recording part was no problem - it's uploading to the course webpage as I write, but switching between slides proved tricky. I figured out how to put the PowerPoint in "slideshow" mode before the class, but then I had to figure out how to switch between screens and how to find THOSE PESKY FORWARD AND BACK BUTTONS. When your mouse isn't on them, they disappear. Auuugh. So you had me going four slides ahead sometimes, or just staying on one too long other times. But otherwise, things went well; the teacher's lecture flowed well, despite some tech problems on her end; and the discussion part was good. 220107 ... e_o_i I graduated in 2024 instead of 2023 and it still feels too early. 240808 what's it to you? who go blather from