je_ne_regrette_rien cr0wl i wonder if i can say that. 081022 ... unhinged 'it is my religion to live and die with no regret' milarepa let_it_all_go absolute_vs_relative karma, unstoppable, regret an affliction. so you planted dandelions instead of roses. there's a use for everything. *shrugs* the ocean keeps churning, even as you try to swim against it. and underneath, in the deep it is still. 081022 ... cocoon the ocean keeps churning [...] and underneath, in the deep it is still. --------- huh. ive been reading this book on zen buddhism (just out of interest), and i feel like this is one of the concepts they keep hammering on about which didnt quite click for me. and yet when you put it like that, it seems so clear. *ponders* 081023 ... SleepieCloud It used to be true. And then I met you. We wrote a storie full of regrets... and yet... I can't regret meeting you. 081023 ... unhinged yes, most of us get way caught up in the churning, but deep inside of us there is a place that is still, perfect, beautiful. waves are just a topical disturbance. maybe it was that class on oceanography i took in my undergrad, but that was always a comforting thought. or (as my brother said) 'don't fight the waves. if they push you down, they'll definitely spit you back up' (yeah, zen never made much sense to me in the beginning) 081024 ... cr0wl the past is like a child drawing with chalk. at first the sun is shining in a blue sky. and then sleepy clouds, followed by fog, sudden rain, and unassumingly the art is washed away. 090106 ... unhinged . 140715 ... epitome of incomprehensibility Hearing the title, I'd always think, "How can you make a statement like that and mean it?!" And then a few weeks ago in this casual French-learning group (like casual sex, only more embarrassing) we read the lyrics of Edith Piaf's song: they were about not thinking about the past when embarking on a new relationship. Fair enough. The idea, or what I read into it: "Don't think that my other relationships will colour my view of you - even if they were miserable, I won't let it affect how I think of you now" is a bit too optimistic, maybe, but has its own rational clarity and tenderness. The two can, and do, go together sometimes. So.... I've got too many things I'd rather not have done to mean this phrase literally. But the idea of not "regretting" the past (as in dwelling on it) but living for the future has merit. 140716 ... unhinged edith piaf also wrote la vie en rose her optimism was tinged with french sarcasm the quartet that played while the titanic was sinking were probably french theres no reason to regret. the karma of the past purifies our future if we look at it from the right angle now. my current suffering is carrying me one step closer to nirvana. i just might have billions more steps to go 140716 ... epitome of incomprehensibility That made me smile. Your writing is beautifully concise. I admire (watered down as they are in their popular incarnations) the concepts of karma and of absolute forgiveness (whether derived from Buddhism and Christianity or something older) but I'm emerging out of a rather screwed-up situation and I don't see how I can grasp hold of grace on a personal level. Whether it's spiritual grace or worldly er... je ne sais quoi? There. Worldly je-ne-sais-quoi, like Piaf. What happened two years ago (spring of 2012) is that I hit a friend in the face with a wine glass. I was weepy from tiredness, having missed a bus, having taken a stimulant medication that morning in a higher dose than usual, and from being a little drunk (two glasses of wine - but poured into a small and anxious organism). All the people from my program except one were at this bar. I got into an argument with the girl on my right, whom I'd never been close to but whom I liked well enough; I wanted to see her phone screen so that I could find my way to walk home. She said no, that it was too dangerous, it was past eleven, and besides it was her phone, which I probably didn't know how to use. Me: Of course I know how to use it; her: Are you calling me stupid? A silly drunk-people argument. Another girl, a voice of reason, intervened: she could lend me some money to take the taxi. I said no. I didn't want help. I wailed, "I thought I could live a proper life and do things on my own without a cell phone... and a car... and a boyfriend..." and I tried to think of other things that other people had but I didn't, but I couldn't, so I started crying. (The three male people there were straight and did not, consequently, have boyfriends. Not all of the eight people in our company had cars. I think everyone else had their own phone, however, and they were all probably richer in material goods.) See, I'm trying to be funny again. What I said WAS funny in retrospect. What I did wasn't. The friend in question put her hand on my shoulder and said something peace-making (it sounded peaceful, though the words didn't register) but I lost my temper and swung my left arm at her. The glass was in my hand and it shattered on her nose when I hit her. I thought her nose was broken, too, as well as bleeding. She hid her face in her hand, someone gave her a napkin, and I was saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, are you all right?" but she wouldn't look at me. The smartphone girl glared at me as if she'd murder me, and I wasn't too sure she wouldn't. Probably a staffperson would've thrown me out, if they'd come downstairs and seen the commotion, but before that could happen I stammered, "I'm going to have a panic attack" and I ran out. Very cowardly, for sure, but in my shocked clarity of mind I realized I could ask the taxi driver to drive me to the bank before driving me home. I gave him a larger tip than usual at the end. He asked me first if I was all right, and I thought vaguely that he was assuming someone had been harassing me, so there was an advantage to looking harmless if you needed a quick getaway vehicle... because I thought I'd been quite ingenious in solving the getting-home problem without borrowing money, and the hitting business was secondary... and then, once I was sitting on my bed and relative reason had returned, I realized how horrible things could be. I could've hit her in the eyes and permanently damaged her vision. I could be arrested (and I thought a bit dazedly, "I hope the police car doesn't have its siren on, because that'd wake up the baby" - the people I was living with had a 3-year-old and a baby). I asked to use the phone; the mother was still up working on her blog. I called the friend and emailed her and two of the other students, but they never answered me. She never talked to me again. The others didn't, either, except to say neutral things about school. I didn't get arrested. Classes were over and we were supposed to be finishing our last essays and then working on our MA projects. My last essay was three weeks late, and it took me another semester (and $6000, about $3300 of which I still owe my father) to finish the project. The now ex-friend asked the prof responsible and the grad-program director to not let me in the communal grad-student lounge. Instead I could work in an unused TA office in the same building. That was a generous deal, and a non-depressed, non-ADHD mind probably would've gotten a lot done in that space. I couldn't, and when I tried stupidly to talk to her again after I saw her in the hall, I got a warning from the grad director not to harass her again or I'd be kicked out. She never did give me back a poetry book I'd lent her, but that's hardly an equivalent crime. I honestly didn't and don't want to hurt her or make her afraid or even distract her from her work. She has a brilliant mind for academics and should continue. I miss her generosity, incongruous sense of humour and idea-streaming mind, but is it fair to expect her to forgive me? After seeing the stubborn/determined side of her in all our talks, I shouldn't have expected such a thing. So I decided to avoid her altogether by clearing my things out of the office and working in the library. And only going to that building when it was necessary, to hand a paper in or talk to a prof. But I realized the not-finishing-things-on-time wasn't my main problem. The medication (Vyvanse) WAS a bit of a problem - often, I'm told, it can be good for people who have attention problems, but it doesn't tend to work well with anxiety, and it was also taking away my appetite - so I stopped taking that, and it was the academic counselor I saw who really brought me through the program. More her than the psych counselor I saw once or twice. I wish I could always have someone to report to about my projects, someone who could gently redirect the conversation when I'm getting too emotional, but not deny me the right to express emotions. (I owe you big-time, Ms. C. You saved me my degree, relatively useless as it is.) The problem was that I'd hit people when I was young too - in elementary school, and my parents and brother. If it wasn't for that pattern of past behaviour, I probably wouldn't have even thought of hitting her. So, choices have consequences: elementary, my dear K, and if you have to face up to it, are you really any better than someone like Chris Brown? It is abuse like any other. Not that I was in a position of power where my parents were concerned; but they couldn't justifiably hit me back either, and I caused them a lot of grief. Also. On the subject of karma. Remember how I lied, being a coward, "I'm going to have a panic attack" before I ran out? Well, for a year afterwards (starting in the summer after a two-month delay) I had frequent panic attacks, where I'd wake up at night or early in the morning and think I was dying because my heart was beating two or three times a second for no discernible reason. I was also childishly squeamish about blood. I think it's fair to say I deserved that. I think it's also fair to say that I should move on and I shouldn't use the past as a reason to say bad things about my potential now. I am bad-tempered, but forgiving of others. Unreasonable sometimes, reasonable other times. Also see you_can_do_weirder (but unhinged, if you're bothering to read all this, don't think I'm aiming this command at you; you've got different baggage and, I expect, less to regret in an ethical sense. If other people are pissing you off by saying "you_can_do_better" as in "you can get a better job or partner or the like" that's just stupid of them.) Hm. That was ridiculously long. I'm still supposed to be working right now even though I'm not, apparently, getting paid for this week (but that's another issue). My dad, who's the only other person in the library, was looking at me strangely for crying and not having eaten my lunch. But he says even if the admin doesn't pay me (the "issue" is a budget allocation problem, not an objection to my quality of work) he'll count my hours as working for himself so I can knock money off my debt if all else fails. So I will go and eat and try not to whine about myself. 140717 ... unhinged milarepa he is one of the most beloved saints of tibetan buddhism precisely because early in his life he murdered family members out of revenge but grew to become enlightened and a leading guru of his time. regret only allows our habitual tendencies to deepen, says the girl wallowing in regrets for the end of her last relationship 140717 ... e_o_i (Thanks. The Wikipedia gives me a fantastical though rather literal summary of Milarepa's life, making it seem like a dream video game. What could I read to get a better/deeper picture?) 140721 ... unhinged the life of milarepa translated by lobsang p lhalungpa i bought my first copy almost a decade ago and read it everywhere i went in milwaukee. it was always been a bible of sorts for me. i gave it to him back when i thought it might inspire him, when i didnt care if i ever got it back. more recently (maybe two years ago) i found another copy in a used book store in seattle when i had cash to burn for my birthday. all my original annotations are lost, but the beautiful story remains the same. 140721 ... unhinged paraphrased: 'my religion is to live and die without regret' a beautifully concise description of the dharma that i have held close ever since 140721 ... unhinged i started copying some of my favorite parts onto blue blather songs_of_milarepa on blue 140722 ... e_o_i Thanks! 140723 what's it to you? who go blather from