falls_apart pushpins falls apart day by day with heavy body bags strewn around her labels on them exbestfriend exboyfriend brokenhearted betrayal liar misled forgotten faded burnt out. and the arms reach out mangled and grotesque with decaying layers falling off and they try to rip me apart and they rip off my head like a barbie doll's. i am falling apart, quickly melded to the ground with all the casualties i have caused. 020301 ... the perfect drug without you, everything... 020301 ... silentbob i think its like a sugar ray song or something. 020301 ... . . 020302 ... reitoei YKK. I grab the zipper and yank it hard. off comes the superficiality, the pretty little smiles, the mindless chatter, the little insulated suit between you and everyone else. and "everyone else" hits you. hard. you're standing there, defenseless, nothing between you and life. all your life youve been ghiding behind a pretty facade. no one ever knew what you thought who you really are. and now the mask is gone, and theres nothing behind it. just a cheap crumpled halloween costume and a pile of nothing. 020302 ... .x. everything 020303 ... unhinged i was trying to talk to her; talk. i didn't want advice or hope or anything; i wanted to say what was on my mind. she sat there trying to convince me that i was wrong. i know what i feel. i know that i have felt this way almost continually since the day in fifth grade when i stayed home sick and my mom came back with a note from my best friend saying she didn't want to be friends with me anymore. and i lived with my naieve hope all through high school that someday i wouldn't be the kid that a whole grade of kids turned their backs on because of some stupid ring leader; that someday someone would understand. i came to college with the naieve hope that i would find love; it was a new place. why not find something new in a new place? but i still haven't found it. 'you aren't ready; you are afraid' i am ready to be able to talk and listen without being called crazy. and i am crazy. i wanted to hack myself to pieces today but at least i have the strength now not to. so i just sit here, falling apart, with no one to talk to that won't cast their judgement telling me that i am wrong for feeling like this. telling me that there is hope. bah. i give up on hope every other day. i don't want to live for hope anymore. i have spent a vast majority of my life that way. so fuck you and your judgements and your goddamn hope. 020304 ... girl_jane .x. said what I was going to say. So I'll just add 'sooner or later, and it's usually sooner' 020304 ... lycanthrope the center cannot hold? entropy? there's no real thing as a center of gravity, but even imagined centers get tired 020304 what's it to you? who go blather from