acid
birdmad the hydrochloric cocktail of the digestive process

if i concentrate hard enough, i can consume myself from the inside out

now there's an idea
010406
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belly fire his smell in my sheets. the rain in his hair. his desperate lovemaking. the way he whispered my name. the sound in his voice drifting into my dreams. his fingers on all the wrong keys. burned pizza. knowing when NOT to stop. smelling my hair. stroking my throat. deep, dark secrets. force feeding dessert. writing letters we never sent. licking my tears. enya. holding me down. arguing. letting me win. resenting me. too many I love you's. singing me to sleep. long letters...that I threw away. pictures falling. hiding in bed. cold skin. saliva. the subway. black jeans. wrestling. you're so cool. the shower. hairy nipples. sleepy eyes. rubbing my wrists. uniform. hidden poetry. guns. pride. passion. fireman. angry sister. phone calls. phone CALL. lampshade. butterflies. train station. aggressive. strong. shaved. bruises. bite marks. water bottles...smell of oil. feet over the fence. mom like mine. arms wrapped around me twice. thongs. homeless man. first hug. cologne. stars. phone company. saying no. no choice. scaring Kat. $110 ticket. being sick. movie store. sex. birth control. fear. love. talking in his sleep. dragon shirt. candles. dancing to no music. Brunny. my letter. sabotage. stories. ex-girlfriends. but I love YOU. this isn't going to work. show up on my doorstep?! how dare you compare? belly rumbles. bird on a swing. sister on the phone. sweet fruit lips. skipping work. falling asleep in class. bagel. eating together. $20. shaving cream. clothes everywhere. kiss in mid-sentence. eye contact. virgin. clinic. getting fired...well, not quite. noise. handprints. plaid boxers. housecoat. no soap. condoms. smell of sex. philosophy. dog tags. carrying me. squeezing me. cycle. his picture...gone. the letter I kept. indifference. emptiness. coldness. denial. more fear. desperate crying. letting my guard down. lying. being lied to. forgiveness. touching my neck. standoffs. the beach. glowing water. only ONE meaning. disappointed father. seneca. frat. reserves. eggs. ears. laughing. walking in the snow. holding hands. rough. the shining. no valentine's day. angel picture. mattress. tramp! I'm just a good kisser. throwing my honesty in my face. missing him. plato. religion. knife. dares. jealousy. public affection. finding me. leaning on the doors. toronto on my own. first times. getting lost. waiting. creaky stairs. naked sleep. desire. insatiable. lights out. winter. snow storm. can't hang up. moving on but not moving on. swingers. hungry. privacy. brown boots. BIG. soft arms. baby blue towel. taking longer to get ready than me. missed bus. sour sweat. beads falling to my face. not accepting no for an answer. ending things. shocked faces. giving up. eating my words.

and ALWAYS these things. Always sex. Always Enya. Always his smell on my sheets. No. More. Dreams.
020729
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jane hydrochloric 070809
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. BOO! 070809
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gja Something is wrong here - words are dissapearing.

But read Belly Fire up there - them be evocative words.
070809
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gja I have - in my life - had some funny times with acid.
Funny = someitmes ha ha; funny = sometimes strange; and funny = just funny - with loved ones - good times.

Less than the best:
New house - with pnew partner that I had decided I loved.
Her away on work assignment for a few days. Me - decide to polish the floor boards to "impress" her. A silly idea, made even sillier by the fact that I thought that the way to make it more enjoyable for me was to score some acid at the local pub before starting.
Acid procured and consumed - glows coming on. Off to the hire shop - tripping hard by the time I got there. Hire man just looking at me strange, I mean, I was talking about the relative aesthetic quality of fine polished timber as compared with the newly hewn rough stuff - what did I expect - I was lucky he let me take the machine really - he probabley thought I wouldnt know how to turn it on!
Back home - the new place - freshly painted by friends - politely, deciding it was a fair thing to warn my neighbours of my impending industry - wandering up and down the stairs deciding which door to knock on - they just looked at me, as a general rule, like I was starting to feel - puffy.
Back inside - polishing machine running fast - noisy it was - very fuckin noisy - me trying to do 12 things at once - 1) perv at girl downstairs out window 2) attach sand paper to spinning disk 3) laughing 4) thinking about timber 5) wondering if at some point loud noise can become music 6) remembering the sound of my fathers mine machine sales vidwotape 7) catching shirt on polishing machine handle bars - thinking - oh thats dangerous 8) deciding that hanging on was a good idea - that way that machine couldnt get away 9) trying to plug in CD player 10) looking though new loves personal effects with machine (purring) just behind me 11) getting really really really really really should really have really some really sort really of really calming really drug really bad really idea really 12) more to go - phone call with friends - numerous and un-named - laughing at people in wheel chairs (ashamed later) 13) bad bad bad - call step mother and cut loose - about - 10 years of emotion.
14) Meltdown.
Took a long time to recover + no floor boards polished.

Better times that immediately come to mind:
A) Seeing the Cure at the subterranea club on Portobello Road.
B) Easter Sunday - Darling Harbour, Sydney - warm and free.
C) Ben Watts - lazy Dog afternoon - west london somewhere.
D) Norman Jay - two times - Vibes on a Summers Day circa around 1999 - he let me try on his safari hat + Notting Hill Carnvival before Henrietta took one in the neck.
And on And on And on.

Best Times for Acid:
Lovely school friend crowd - MANY times.
They never new I was tripping.
They thought it was just the way that gja was.
They loved me.
Being loved is a good thing. Being loved when your tripping blows your mind.
It wont matter how old I get - how far away from those years I get - I'll remember - I could *feel* that love. Reach out and touch it. It was physical, emotional, blanket like, womb like, protective, inspiring, clarity giving, challenging, lovely love.

And now my challenge -
What do I say to my kids about drugs?

I mean - I enjoy them - I know they can be great - BUT - I know they can be a pathetically demeaning, misleading, detructive, dis-illusioning poor chemical stimulation of brain chemical reaction inducing life sapping shit tomorrow thing.

So what will I say -
Listen boys - I love you - youre gonna do it - tell me about it - and keep your friends close.

Not particularly visionary - but at least they'll know theyre loved - its a good thing to know.
070810
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