Toxic_Kisses What I'm about to do 011218
ClairE Dude, I loved that show. Dot was hot! 011219
Mahayana: Zakah: Sangha Jewels of Refuge ctrl+ alt+ delete
press at the same time

[where is the 'at the same time key': she asked me ... silly grrrl]
split droner i'm losing my mind. last night was the first time i thought about suicide in 6 months. it only comes in realistically, not from depression or loneliness or assorted miseries, but when there's a serious feeling of hopelessness. i can deal with the other shit, but when i start believing that this path that i'm on isn't even a path because it doesn't lead anywhere, like, how do i say it, you can take action, you can make mistakes, but when life is consumed with indecision and forgetting and no general passion and everything just fails to have any meaning because there's no way to break through the surface, well, there's nothing to look forward too, hopelessness. i can't even construct a concise definition of what the fuck i'm experiencing. that's the hopelessness. it's not getting any better. nothing stays around for long, it's like the world is becoming this ephemeral blur where nothing wants to stick around long enough for me to latch onto it, or even to figure out a few things about it. mostly talking about ideas, which come and go, half-jointed, partially-made, like moths dying by forcing magic powers on the window for it to disappear and nothing happens. and moods too. very brief and scattered. there was a time when i was truly static and focused, i could kick back and read a book without interruption for a couple of hours. now the "drift" is getting more and more dominant and reading or thinking about anything remotely complex or strung out becomes impossible without delicate focus. it surprises me that i can actually get this all out in relative coherence. it's not so surprising though that i would say something like that in this state, seeing as how difficult it's been recently to even get a few clear sentences out. i guess despair can help in certain cases when concentration is really essential. whatever. this is all bullshit. tomorrow, hell, later this afternoon i'll be fine. it always happens that way. i can figure it out, always have. once i finally lose that ability though, completely, then fuck. 020819
cheparatska disappointed and dissappeared

like they were never hear
what's it to you?
who go