i_dreamt_that_i_dreamt_26 cr0wl gavin pressed lilly's name on the finger worn keyboard of his ancient phone. he closed his eyes, listening to the ring, mentally imagining how she would accept or reject his tired news about the meeting with maggie. he figured he would first tell her about rod's bribe as if that would make it alright. money was his paciifer. he would stick the two hundred in her mouth to shut her up. fuck that, he thought, considering he missed another one of her openings and would also miss the afterglow of her well deserved accolades. he wanted to be there. money couldn't replace his absence. it's paper, gavin reasoned with sliding despair. we torch it so we can see in the darkness. when it burns out, there we are reaching out for each other like we're blind. after three rings her message came on. her perfect voice was like a hand reaching inside his skinny body and slicing with a knife at all his numbing neglect. he cringed. he did not leave a message. checking his watch, he had less than a hour to get to the restaurant. there wasn't even time for a shower. he opened the door of his car and sat down, pressing his back into the seat wishing it could swallow him. he screamed one short burst of primal frustration. i sound like a dying bird he thought. traffic was surprisingly light as he made his way from freeway to city street, vanity plates and hybrid cars swimming past his tired eyes like the fish who got away. he tried reaching lilly again. this time he mumbled the truth and tossed his phone upon the empty passenger seat. it bounced to the floor and settled upon an empty whole foods bag. he attempted to pull together ideas for maggie but could only doubt his ability as a designer, diminishing himself instead to a surfer/stoner who simply lucked out with a good job. turning on to grand street, he passed the museum of contemporary art and snatched a parking spot only because a prius was leaving. gavin sighed. he gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white and then fumbled through his backpack until he found his bowl and sack. he pinched off a bud and hit it three times blowing the smoke out of the window into the smog. he stole a quick look in the rear view mirror, spit into his hand and flattened down his hair. checking for cars, he opened the door. 080702 ... unhinged 'you know trane, you are a better boyfriend than gavin these days.' lilly and trane walked the route to get to the beach. lilly wanted to sit by the water. it calmed her when she was upset. trane walked right beside her; not pulling ahead and not lagging behind. his ears perked at the mention of his name. lilly patted his head. 'i wonder what he's doing. his damn job. i mean after this show, he could probably quit his job. he would never quit his job though trane. i won't even ask.' they walked through the dunes and lilly took a deep breath of the ocean air. trane head butted her. 'ok boy. i know. you want off the leash. and i forgot to bring a damn towel.' lilly reached down and unclipped the leash from his collar. trane bolted right towards the water. a wave crashed in and chased him back on the beach. he darted in and out at the waves and lilly laughed. 'is your dog afraid of the water?' there was a family on the beach building a bonfire. the little boy walked over to her. he looked about eight years old. 'no. he's just a crazy mutt.' 'he looks like a labrador retriever to me.' lilly laughed in surprise. 'colin, you leave that lady alone,' his mother called to him. 'no, it's okay. i'm already alone anyways.' 'you could sit with us. it's a big fire.' 'thanks colin. my name's lilly. my dog's name is coltrane.' colin's mother walked towards them. 'hi lilly. my name is marilyn. colin always has been precocious with strangers. you have a sweet dog.' 'he's actually my boyfriend's.' lilly said the last word with such contempt that marilyn raised her eyebrow. 'i had a gallery opening tonight and he had to work late. i don't know where he is.' lilly offered by way of explanation. 'a gallery opening? where? what do you do?' 'i'm a painter. i had a show down in l.a. at this place called down the rabbit hole.' 'woah. you must be a good painter.' 'i'm alright. i have connections.' lilly winked at colin and he beamed a bright smile at her. trane found his way to the bonfire and shook out his salty coat all over her. 'traaaaaane.' all the kids laughed. 'why don't you sit and have a smore with us lilly?' 'i'd love to. thanks.' 080702 ... cr0wl a car whizzed by so fast and unexpectedly that gavin, in his developing buzz, could only behold it in temporary observation as a blur. the rapid propulsion forced him instinctively backwards and he stood motionless against his dented door, palms flat upon the warm blue steel. it scared the shit out of him. for a brief, breath-catching moment, he contemplated the consequences of getting struck and killed. he felt himself embracing the impact, heard the thud and crunch of his broken bones, imagined the ungainly somersaults of his abandoned, lifeless body, saw himself spread-eagled in a growing pool of his blood, and wondered with sinking despair how lilly would react to suddenly lose another person she loved. he shook the random spookiness off like a wet dog and carefully (perhaps more now than usual) made his way to the restaurant. he felt a weird, numbing weakness in his arm as he went to open the door that puzzled him. at first he thought it coincided with the anxiety of the tragic accident vision coupled with the erratic rush to make it to the appointment on time. survival mode kicked in, nevertheless, and he simply reasoned it away. maybe i just need to eat, he thought, remembering how rod was freaking out about the black spot fungus that was attacking the tea roses by the west entrance and he skipped lunch to meticulously deal with it. a strange light-headedness ensued which he figured was the weed. he strained to open the door. once inside, with the ambient music and succulent aroma of grilled fish swirling around him, he felt better he told himself, but it was a lie. something was definately wrong. gavin sucked air and stepped up to the receptionist. "welcome to the water grill," she said, her voice gliding and sliding from bee stung lips glistening with their gloss and glossing with their glisten. her iron straight, razor cut hair framed her face and moved like water around her chin. "do you have a reservation?" "um, yeah," gavin hesitated. he had a difficult time getting the girl in his focus. in what seemed to him to be slow motion he leaned forward and gripped the podium to steady himself, calloused fingers awkwardly and accidently pushing her reservation book. he sighed, releasing a nervous, confused breath and shallowly gasped back in, trying to straighten himself up. "are you ok?" the girl asked, smooth voice quavering. she took a quick ballet step away from him as if gavin was going to fall upon her. her unblemished brow furrowed slightly with concern. she reached with painted fingernails and straightened the book, drawing it protectively closer to herself. "sorry," he mumbled, closing his eyes for a brief second as if he could erase the frightening experience. he could feel sweat beginning to form on his forehead and upper lip. he also took a staggering step back and gazed down at his soiled doc marten boots. "i'm supposed to meet someone here at 7:00." he brought both hands to his face and tried to clean off the perspiration. behind his fluttering eyelids he beheld the incomplete fireworks of his sputtering brain. "do you know the name of your party?" gavin had a difficult time thinking of her name. he swallowed. his throat felt like it was closing up. "um," he said. he was sure it started with the letter "m." the girl's face had changed from concern to solicitude. she stepped up next to gavin with the book. he tried looking at it but all the words were moving as if they were cockroaches scurrying for cover. when she began talking again, he looked at her but could only see her lips moving. even the sound of the music had disappeared. smell became a memory. color as well began to fade, replaced by the backwash of a pale absence of life. gavin, panicking now, turned away from the girl and pushed through the door he had previously used to enter the restaurant. the moment he was back outside everything went black. 080705 ... unhinged lilly sat at the beach with the family at the bonfire long enough to eat three smores. the processed sugar and chocolate made her forget her escalating anger. colin sat next to her and scratched behind trane's ears. trane relaxed and laid up against him. 'i think he likes you.' 'of course he does. i scratched him good in a spot he can't reach by himself.' for the uncounted time that night, lilly laughed in pleasant surprise at colin's smart observation. marilyn just shook her head. 'i don't know where he gets his brains from. he's definitely greater than the sum of his parts.' 'don't say that mom. i can't cook like you. and i'm horrible at math.' marilyn reached over and tousled his hair. 'and so humble.' colin grabbed his mom's hand and gave it a squeeze. lilly stood up. 'thanks for the smores and the company, but i think trane and i should head on home. hopefully, the gallery will be calling in the morning to discuss some sales.' 'well good luck lilly. it was nice to meet you.' 'what's your address?' 'colin! you don't just ask someone something like that.' 'why not? i want to visit. i want to see some paintings.' once again, marilyn just shook her head. lilly gave them her address and walked home. when lilly got home, gavin's car was still nowhere to be seen. for the first time, lilly thought that maybe something was wrong. her heart started to race. 'trane, he's still not home.' trane looked up at her alertly. lilly fumbled at the door and pushed through the house to the kitchen. she dug through her purse and found her phone. there were a bunch of missed calls and a few messages. the last missed call was a number she didn't recognize. she dialed her voicemail. 'hello, this is st. luke's hospital. your fiance gavin was admitted to the emergency room earlier this evening. he is currently unconscious.....' lilly dropped the phone, grabbed her purse and started running in the direction of the hospital. 080708 ... cr0wl "daddy?" suddenly it came and there it was; a feminine child's voice rising slowly out of a dream within a dream. a bird's hopeful call out of the bible black night. a treasure unburied. a world revealed. gavin sensed himself like one immersed in liquid air moving to the sound as if it was his call out of a blindness and he had no purpose now but to reach it. to accept it. to claim it and name it and possess it. "daddy!" he stopped and listened. this time it was slightly different, carrying a masculine tinge, raspy and playfully urgent. then, as he stood there, heart racing, eyes darting, frantically searching, both voices merged in unison, a chorus of familiar intonation that resembled his own and lilly's. it was the song that wrote itself into their lives. gavin bent down, one knee in the velvet softness of the summer grass until he was eye to eye with what he knew because he knew was his six year-old daughter. he took her chubby, little hands in his, swallowing them up, holding them with delicate firmness. "what is it, little peach?" he looked into her hazel eyes and beheld the life he was helping to form. he could also see lilly's determination and will in her innocent curiosity. wisps of sun painted hair curled around her ears and effortlessly framed her face with the watercolor hints of a mary casset painting. "mommy has a surprise for you." she spoke and each word seemed to be birthed. "really?" tears erupted and burned their way out of his eyes. the lava of love. "yeah...and me and graham want to take you to find it." gavin felt his five year-old son before he saw him. oak sapling arms wrapped around his neck nearly knocking him down. "first we got to blindfold you!" graham yelled, giggling. he was a picture of gavin with his long nose and eyes the color of a turbulent ocean. his hair was dark brown like his mom's, the color of horses when few see what the magic hour light does to them. he placed a large, red and white handkerchief around gavin's eyes. esme helped him tie it. "help!" gavin laughed. "i can't see!" he reached out blindly and easily found his children, cradling them with a playful firmness. they wriggled like fish longing to get back in the water. "good!" esme said, working hard and precise like she had just learned to tie her shoes and found this larger kind of bow much easier. "yeah," graham added. "we don't want you seeing nothing!" he patted his dad lightly on the head and squealed. gavin willingly surrendered to their purposeful intentions giving into their weight as they worked, feeling, in his temporary blindness what he could call his family. they led him like a doll of himself to a place they made from sticks, mud, and stone that was big enough to house one person. this is where they led him. "gavin," a woman's voice spoke forth out of silence and full of genuine compassionate concern, as if the person they were addressing was close to dying. "gavin...gavin?" gavin recognized the voice. he knew it was the mother of his children. the one he would be forever linked to as companion, husband, spouse, partner, collaborator, and best friend. gavin, still holding the hands of his two children approached the small hut. he led all of them to crouch down on their knees as if they were in prayer or meditation, or contemplation, or discovery. "we're here," esme said. she gave a blink and a smile to graham. he untied the blindfold with a flurry. gavin, now free to observe, blinked in the sudden light. he beheld lilly, her distraught face inches from his. 080711 ... unhinged 'what happened love?' the tears slipped down her face and bile caught in her throat. she grabbed his face in her hand and stroked his cheek with her thumb. 'where are the kids?' 'we don't...have any kids. gavin, are you alright?' his eyes closed and she could feel the weight of his face sink into her hand. 'it was a dream. they were beautiful.' he opened his eyes with strained effort and stared into her eyes. 'i'm sorry.' he weakly tried to lift his hand. 'gavin, it's ok. the doctors ran some tests when you got here. they thought you had a heart attack or a stroke. but it turns out you were very tense and tired and had sunstroke. so they gave you something...weird to help you sleep and rest.' lilly pulled a chair close to his bedside. 'ever since you got this new job, you've been working too hard.' it seemed as if all he could do was close his eyes. 'i know' came out in a barely audible gasp. 'the doctor also said you had very high levels of thc in your blood.' there was a hint of laughter in lilly's voice. gavin smiled. 'but of course, i didn't need the doctor to tell me that.' she bent over and placed a firm, comforting kiss on his lips. they tasted like chemicals. his heart monitor beeped loudly. he squeezed her hand and she laughed. 'of course they want to keep you here overnight. do you want to hear about my opening?' he nodded. 'dennis was pissed at the paintings i hung. he actually said something about it.' gavin's left eye lazily fluttered and he smiled again. lilly stood up and kicked the chair with her back foot. she looked in his eyes and he used all his remaining effort to open both of them to look squarely back. 'gavin, i am about to make a lot of money from this show. even if only half the reserved paintings sell, it will be a lot. i want you to cut back at work. they are working you into the ground.' her voice cracked. with his last remaining energy he replied, 'i will.' 080712 what's it to you? who go blather from