despair quotree "I will indulge my sorrow, and give way to all the pain and fury of despair." Addison 020707 ... silentbob loves you like vampire bats deprived of blood into the new york city night we cry 020707 ... nocturnal 1)sin=despair says soren. 2)despair itself is negativity, ignorance of the despair is further negativity. 3)sin is a position, not a negation. is the relation between a negativity and a negation such that 2 and 3 contradict what soren says in 1? furthermore, we are only made aware of sin through a revelation communicated to us by God* and only thereafter can we willingly sin; i.e., we could not take a position on something or will to do anything of which we are unaware. but we can be, indeed the overwhelming majority of us are, in despair without knowing it. it is true that consciousness of one's own despair intensifies his despair, but if sin and despair are truly equal and interchangeable, then either we could not be in despair without knowing it, or we could sin in ignorance which soren said we could not. this is what I've gathered thus far from sacrificing my saturday night to work on my paper due monday. if it makes sense to anyone, I will be shocked and ecstatic. *this does not apply to original sin. 031101 ... belly fire I do not dare though I spend the day quietly listening to sad songs, I find her face by mistake in a photo album, I spend half an hour staring into it trying to see your love there, I realize a friend comes to visit because she feels some obligation, my best friend will be happily celebrating somewhere else, I do not have enough happy pictures of us, the year is ending, I do not despair it's just hormones 031231 ... birdmad tonight it gives way to apathy and smoke 031231 ... kerry the session wasn't supposed to be about him. somehow he manages to take up a lot of space and i have trouble wrangling him in and opening the room, my hands, to her. but she was bubbly as soda and as she detailed upcoming events in her life and her revelations he slumped down deep into the couch. "what's up?" i asked him. he was quiet for several long moments. "i don't know." "so what's this?" i mirrored him, sliding down in my armchair so my feet splayed out onto the rug between us. at the beginning of the session his eyelids were heavy and his gaze was empty and i'd wondered if he was stoned. i'd thought to myself, you're paying for this, not me, and if you want to waste our time it's up to you. but thirty minutes in his eyes were dark pools. i wanted to tear his mask off his face. they're the only two who still mask in session. we've met online twice and it was a revelation to see their mouths and smiles and the way they bit their lips and how it really looked when they turned to face each other. she took his hand. a rare gesture. he was still limp. he said how he felt so lost, so lonely, too many decisions to make and how it was such a burden, and how it was all so hopeless. it felt risky but sometimes risks are better than quietly holding space. i leaned forward, put my elbows on my knees. my eyes began to sting before i even opened began to speak. he was looking at me, unblinking. "i know you feel awful. i know what it's like to feel like life will never get better. things are really hard for you." i took a breath. "depression is inherently self-centered. everything is a reflection of you, your fault, a comparison, so many decisions you're forced to make." he was still looking at me. it felt like he was looking into me. "right now you are going through the worst part of your life. and maybe it sounds trite but it will get better. you're trying so hard. that's the important part." i wanted so badly to hug him and that is something i absolutely cannot do. his eyes were shining. she squeezed his hand. "we only have a few minutes left and i don't want you to leave like this. why don't you tell me about a time when life felt good? what do you reminisce about?" they both brought out their phones and began scrolling. they showed me pictures of themselves as children, videos of them laughing hysterically with each other. the air changed. i still feel like it wasn't enough. there are certain people you trust to swim more easily through the upcoming week, and others who linger, and i have to plod through the week and cross my fingers and wait for their return. 221113 what's it to you? who go blather from