it_could fyn gula They were the mistakes, like frustration, like missed opportunities, and when he picked them up like pieces of gold, they entered his soul as water in a summer mouth when thirst is all that consumes him and thought is chiseled down, down, down to physical pain. In him, they were treasure for he had made the effort to get to them even if he could barely move, even if exhaustion hung him as a star, but he could fall, and his glory could be a bright, but momentary falsh across the pitch black sky. It could. 000205 ... z it could all be lies they tell me smirking at the way i smile when i talk about it. it could all disappoint me, the feelings fading before i reach them and make them into acts. yes they could be right, but then it could be the same for everything and if i listened then i would be dead, a walking shadow signifying nothing. 000427 ... freakizh it could have been like i wanted. everything so childish, purrfect, so pinky and gay, something about belonging, infinite sex, that wonderful gift called prudence, confidence to avoid looks, even pride, watery memories, adopted kids, fake faces and polite smiles, changing roles, economic stability, maduration, social status, wax depilation, quick and unpainful death and a ballast that chained us to that alter-reality. of course that sooner or later i would have woke up. and like all my dreams, gone in a second with a vague feeling of self-condemnation. 010720 ... unhinged so i spend my time divided between the clock and the metal i hold in my hand. i've been fighting it. i told him i couldn't anymore and he was glad. but i honestly can't say i don't want to. i want to right now. it's hard to believe that i am really this dead. it could get me in a lot of trouble. it could change my life. such things i only depend on; my honesty, my knife. she's back with him, fucking him, smoking with him. i_pleaded and it did no good. and she calls and i run and she pats my ass and i crumble. and i sit and listen because there are always stories to tell on mondays. it could end my life. she says i'm going to find someone far away. but i won't believe that hope. that hope was what made me what i am here. and he says he thought everything was ok with us, but there really is no us to be ok. it could break me down one day, but i never wanted a public display. it helps; it could kill me the day all the sanity finally leaves. 020304 what's it to you? who go blather from