a_little_bluer jane i thought about stepping into traffic today. i haven't been this depressed in a while. i recognize it now for what it is: a desire to escape present circumstances. it's no longer an applicable diagnosis (probably). it's just the blues (probably). i thought i would turn to an old friend. these pieces keep dripping down my hands, if i was made of glass they would ripple in rainbows. once i thought of breaking myself into a million points of light. i wanted to join the stars, orbit the earth along with Hunter S. Thompson's little posthumous spaceship. i think i'm done with california. vibes here are more menacing than they used to be. or maybe it's because people feel inauthentic. i'm struggling with connections. i keep forgetting who i am. i keep hoping to find clues in other peoples' pockets, in between strands of other peoples' hair. kage let me brush his hair before i traveled to new_mexico. i looked there, too. perhaps blended in with the pinks. what's the consensus on a preemptive_strike? do people split with their partner out of fear their partner will do it first? the second she mentioned incompatibility all i could think was that would have been nice to know about $87k ago. probably not that much, but sometimes it feels like that's how many liquidated assets i have thrown into this partnership in the past 12 years. i wonder what i wrote about her before. if i wrote anything. is our history preserved in blue or red amber, like a mosquito with the DNA of prehistoric denizens contained within.? what i know: she is beautiful. she is my person. i have removed her stinger countless times. i have only grown from this. we both deserve love. she tastes perfect. i am scared of her. she contains unmitigated anger. she is hard and i am soft. she needs someone hard. i have only softened over the years, and will most likely continue to do so. may the sunset spark a green_flash. may flowers blossom in the folds of our minds. may she remember who i am, and who i can be. always never 241217 ... ppp decided to check in this old place tonight and it does look bluer than before. 241221 ... le_dax maybe she needs someone soft but is too afraid to reach for what she needs 241221 ... u24 oh jane, big hugs. please stay. 241224 what's it to you? who go blather from