square_the_circle_chapter_10_ unhinged he stood at the top of the hill, watching the snow fall quietly. it was like he was in a snowglobe that someone had turned upside down. if he couldn't see the barren empty mesas from where he was standing, he could have sworn he was in upstate new york. the snow was an odd comfort to him. easier to navigate and understand than the heatwaves that rose up from the highway creating mirages of a different place. he shouldn't have let kayla go off with tim like that. he was afraid he was going to lose her. she promised him nothing would happen and nothing really had but that rest stop in indiana kept running through his mind. and the way she looked in that outfit she had pilfered from the closet; he couldn't blame tim if he tried, even though all his attempts had left him pretty much nowhere up until now. he was afraid that him and kayla would end up just like everything else: ruined. but, he tried to back off and not let his jealousy get in the way. people began to race past him on the slick snow. it wasn't quite cold enough for snow and the ski resort on lake tahoe kept pumping it out hoping it would stick. let it snow and they will come. trying to get rid of his frustration, he pushed off and sped down the hill. she sat in the bar at the upscale lounge in the casino. she thought she could be daring enough to try to multiply her funds but when they got there and she realized she knew nothing about gambling, she thought it would be a better idea to let tim squander his money and try to save up what little she could. a cosmo in front of her, she pulled her phone out of her purse. the screen was still blank, she hadn't turned it on since she left home. she flipped the phone open and stared at the power button. should she? shouldn't she? her finger spasmed hovering inches away. she had gone this long without knowing. what did she need to change that for? suddenly, a slimy lounge rat slid into the seat next to her. 'hey baby. what's a girl like you doing all alone in a place like this?' she overtly moved away from him and slowly looked up from her blank phone. 'i'm waiting for my man to lose all his money so i can go home, that's what.' 'don't you think you should be by his side cheering him on?' 'no. i didn't want to come here in the first place.' kayla learned a long time ago it did no good to tell guys like this the truth. she just wanted him to leave her alone. 'well maybe you should find yourself a better man.' he scooted closer to her and she moved further back. 'look dude, get off it. i'm not going anywhere with anyone except the person i came in here with. now back off.' when he showed no signs of moving, kayla started to raise her voice. the bartender nonchalantly hurried down to her end of the bar. 'ma'am, is there something i can help you with?' 'this guy is bothering me.' 'ok, bitch. i get it. i'm out.' he sauntered off down to the next lonely girl sitting by herself. 'sorry about that ma'am. he's our resident rat. but he drops a lot of cash so my boss won't let me kick him out.' kayla smiled wearily at him. 'it's alright. he's gone isn't he?' the bartender smiled back. she picked up her drink and finished it in one gulp. 'another?' 'sure. i don't know how much longer i'm going to be sitting here. ' she felt a hand grab her familiarly around the waist and she whipped around in the chair to see tim smiling. 'a little antsy are we? well, looks like we got a little lucky at least. i was down like $300 and then i won a $500 hand so i'm up $200.' 'well, while you were off wasting your money that nasty asshole down there tried to pick me up. are you ready to go home?' tim pulled kayla off the chair, resting his hands on her hips. 'we could always get a room.' kayla felt a weird deja vu and stuttered. 'uuummm....' and tim's familiar smirk came to his face. 'no no. we should go.' he pulled her dangerously close, and the whiskey on his breath made her lower her eyes. 'you're drunk tim. let's go.' 'well maybe i shouldn't drive then.' 'give me the keys and i'll drive.' 'you know something, i don't get it. you know him for just as long as you know me, but i'm always getting shot down. why are you so committed to him?' 'please tim. don't do this. just give me the keys.' kayla went for his pockets looking for the keys. 'ooooh, hey.' he grabbed her wrists and pulled away. 'if you tell me why he's so much better than me, i'll give you the keys.' kayla stood silent, staring at the gaudy patterned carpet. 'i'll wait all day.' before she could stop it, a tear slid down her cheek. 'please, just give me the keys.' 'no, i want to know why kayla. i want to know why he can have you and i can't.' she grabbed his hand and dragged him to a dark empty corner of the bar. she exposed the underside of her left forearm to the candlelight where all the little red triangles stood in relief on her pale skin. choking on tears, her tongue stumbled on the words 'this is why. ok. this. see them? that's why. now give me the keys.' he stared open-mouthed at her obvious self-mutilation and his mouth began to open and close like a fish struggling for air. she pulled her arm back against her side, embarassed. he fumbled through his pockets and found the car keys in his front right coat pocket. 'i....' she grabbed the keys. 'go pay my tab moneybags. i'll meet you at the car.' 050207 ... crOwl scott reached the bottom of the hill, his legs burning. his chest was rising and falling with the exertion of the run, but he was thrilled with his success and looked forward to taking the gondola back up to ride the double black diamond again. heavenly, lake tahoe's premier resort, was packed with more people than he had ever seen in his life and he had to weave his way in and out of the multitude of kids without poles, teens checking each other out, adults with oakley sunglasses and zinc oxide on their noses, and seniors in pairs gabbing about the war in iraq, until he could find a place to remove his snowboard. it was almost noon and he had been riding since 9 o'clock. his stomach was growling and the delectable odor of charbroiled burgers and plump sausage coming from the outdoor bar-b-que was beckoning him. cartoon smoke forming a curled finger enticed him. he rolled forward on the nose and tail of his board until he reached a small space not inhabited by the crowd. he popped off the straps of his bindings, stepped out, and found an outdoor cable lock for his rented burton board. he dug in the pocket of mr. dupont's patagonia pants for 6 quarters and plopped them in the slot and then secured his board. he looked around, surveying the happening scene for the source of the mouthwatering smell. he quickly found it but noticed there was a long line snaking through the bustle at least thirty feet from the counter. fuck that, he thought, and decided to go into the lodge where more was available and he could find a fire to warm up. "whoa!" scott suddenly shouted, jumping out of the way of an out of control skier, his arms askew, his poles like swords searching for someone's eyes to poke out. he turned around and watched the desperate man, dressed in a florescent orange, one piece hunting outfit, a neoprene mask with cut-outs for the eyes, and a black oakland raiders skullcap crash into an overweight woman who was wobbling in her stopping wedge unsuccessfully trying to follow her frustrated instructor. they both fell down in a comic, blurred tangle of poles, skis, bright orange, and puke yellow. scott's laughter joined the outpour all around him and he thought, what the hell, and lent a hand getting them both back on their feet. "dude, push your wedge out fatter in the back when you are trying to stop," he told the man, smelling alcohol on his heavy breath. the lady didn't get up as easily. she was moaning about some pain in her knee. scott left it to the instructor who was already speaking into a walkie talkie, his voice strained. scott pursed his lips, shook his head, shoved his hands into mr. dupont's northface down jacket and made his way in and around the crowd to the lodge. it wasn't much better inside because it was lunchtime, but he was able to find a stone fireplace. the wooden bench in front of it was stuffed with bodies so scott stood a few feet away. he put his spyder gloves in one pocket but kept his hat on, his dragon goggles up on his forehead. the heat was comforting, radiating in waves of pleasure. he could hear some 70's rock above the clamor of human voices. he stood shifting his weight and looked past the crowd moving in every direction around him for something to eat. he could see and smell there was a pizza shoppe, a starbucks, gourmet hot dogs, ice cream, and what was that? vegan? movement below him distracted his search. an arab couple stood up and trudged away clunkily in their ski boots. scott sat down taking their place. he closed his eyes to the soothing warmth and immediately thought of kayla. he wondered how her time at the reno casino with tim was going, hoping he would not regret letting the two hang out. he felt he could trust her, it was tim he worried about. the conversations he had with kayla on the greyhound bus, the way she poured out her soul about sammy, her struggle with stolen meds, the reasons why she self-mutilated, her love for jim carroll's poetry, and then the shocking experience with clara at the chicago hotel, how together they saved her life from a drug overdose... he realized meeting kayla was not an accident. and the longer they lived side by side, he knew something was being created between them and he wanted to see it grow into love. replaying last night, he remembered the faint scent of lavendar as she slid into the bed next to him. she was wearing a red silk singlet and white panties. he reached out to her as she settled in, her back to him, her ass pressing against his groin. he moved his hands across her sloping shoulders, applying gentle pressure and went on to massage her entire back, oblivious to time. he moved his fingers sometimes like feathers and crept them across to the sides of her soft, yielding breasts, down the curve of her belly and then under the band of her panties. he could hear the moans of her arousal and felt himself growing hard against her thigh. finally, she turned and rolled into him, her lips in a kiss, her tongue finding his. he reached his hand down and discovered her wetness. "excuse me." scott opened his eyes and felt himself yanked abruptly back to reality. there was a girl standing in front of him. she looked about twenty. under hat and goggles she had blonde braids speckled with brown the color of almonds. her cheeks were flushed with the cold and her eyes sparkled green like jade. her teeth were white as snow and crazy straight from braces. she was wearing burton from head to toe. bits of snow dropped to the wooden floor having loosened their grip on her gore-tex pants from the heat. "is anyone sitting here?" she asked, and cocked her head to one side. one of her braids hung in the air, the other hugged her snowtanned cheek. she was a local. a snowboard instructor on her day off. "no," scott answerd. he scooted over to make room. she sat down, sighing. her body pressed up against his, but it was unavoidable, the bench was still crowded. "sure busy today," the girl said. she removed her gloves and threw them on the large stone pedestal that ran the length of the fireplace where several other pairs sat thawing out along with hats and scarves. "i know, it's crazy. i've never seen so many people," scott said. he could smell pineapple coconut lip balm. she was putting it on. "want some?" she said, turning to him, holding out the little yellow and purple tube. he was dazzled by her face, the long blonde lashes with tiny ice crystals starting to melt. the way her eyes dove into his as she casually waited for his response. "um, no thanks," scott answered. he felt exremely shy in her presence. his legs trembled slightly and he knew it wasn't from the cold. "where are you from?" she asked, putting the tube in her breast pocket. she removed her jacket, then, and stuffed it under the bench. she lifted her legs and set her booted feet on the pedestal and relaxed, sinking her body into the back of the pew-like bench. "new york," scott answered. "really?" she said. "city?" she looked straight ahead at the red, orange, and yellow flames. "yeah, brooklyn." "i have a friend who lives in queens. he's a film student at nyu." "cool." "tell me about it. he's on a semeter at sea right now." "nice." they sat in silence for a minute or two while several others who were sitting next to them got up and left only to be replaced by a new group who tromped in their clunky ski boots scattering and shaking loose snow that sizzled on the hearth as it melted. "my name is ani," the girl said. she held out her right hand in the cramped space beside him. scott could see a delicate turquoise ring on her middle finger and a blue and white beaded bracelet on her wrist. "scott," scott said, shaking her hand. it was soft, but firm. his breath tightened in his chest. they both turned and gazed at the logs burning. "i love fires," ani said. she closed her eyes. "me too," scott responded. with her eyes shut, he grabbed the quick chance to take in her body. she was wearing a blue t-shirt that advertised marco island, florida over top a white silky long-sleeved shirt. her breasts weren't big. just right. her waist was narrow and shapely. suddenly his stomach complained about his neglect. he was also feeling a tad bit comfortable with his new friend. "hey, do you want a bite to eat?" he asked, summoning his courage. "sure, that sounds great." ani said, opening her eyes, and smiling. "what would you like?" "oh, no, i can get it..." "we'll lose our seats if we both go." "true." "so what are you hungry for?" "um," ani thought. scott's head swirled at her natural beauty. "there's a vegan cafe right past the burger king," she said pointing. "i'll take a veggie wrap and a glass of shiraz." "ok," scott said, standing. "i'll be right back.' "i'll save your seat." ani said. she moved her right hand palm down on the warm spot scott left and closed her eyes again. "see you in a little bit." 050208 ... unhinged as kayla walked quickly out of the lounge with her head down, biting her lip to stop the tears, she realized she didn't have the valet ticket for the car. white hot panic constricted her chest and pushed tears to her eyes that threatened to spill out again. damn tim. damn him. it had been days since the last time she had broke down. she ducked into a bathroom and locked herself in a stall, an all too familiar scene. her wrist started to tingle and itch and she realized she didn't have her purse. everything about this was wrong. a sudden wave of homesickness washed over her and an ugly sob escaped her lips before she could stop it. in frustration, she grabbed her head in both hands and shook her head like a stubborn child. she was so tired of this pathetic game she played with herself, but once it started it was rather hard to stop. she rested her elbows on her knees, holding her head up with her hands, letting the warm tears slid down her cheeks like broken glass. tim walked up to the bar and flagged down the bartender. 'can i pay her tab please?' 'sure. one moment please sir.' the bartender pushed the flat screen of the register a few times and a receipt started to print. the bartender tore the receipt in one quick motion and put it in a small leatherbound folder. he walked back over to tim and handed him the folder. 'thank you sir. have a nice day.' tim opened the folder and set a fifty under the receipt, picked up kayla's purse and headed towards the door. kayla talked herself into leaving the bathroom and merged into the swarming traffic in the lobby of the casino. she wasn't sure how she was going to find tim and just headed towards the valet station. as she approached the door she saw him standing outside looking for her. she quickened her pace and pushed open the heavy glass door. 'tim...hey, over here.' he turned in the direction of her voice and his eyes flashed with relief when he saw her standing in the door. 'there you are. where are the keys?' as he walked up to her, he noticed her puffy eyes that belied more tears than he had seen. she held out the keys to him and he grabbed her hand and pulled her in to give her a hug. she pushed him away and walked toward the curb. he followed her shaking his head. she was damn hot but she was also really unstable. scott walked up to the vegan stand, looking at the menu. he quickly located ani's veggie wrap and glanced over the rest of the menu. scott decided on the first thing he saw because his growling stomach wouldn't let him read anymore. a grilled portabello sandwich, sounded more than good to him. the line at the vegan stand was considerably shorter and he had food and wine in hand before he knew it. he walked back to the fireplace and handed ani her food. 'oh thanks so much. i'm starving.' she passed him a ten in exchange for her food. 'you don't have to...' 'yeah, i do. it's my policy not to let the guy buy within the first five minutes,' and she winked at him. scott palmed the bill into the pocket of his pants and felt a tinge of guilt. suddenly his mind wandered to kayla. he plopped down on the bench next to ani and took a big bite of his sandwich. him and ani exchanged some pleasant conversation about nevada and new york over their lunch. lunch disappeared fast as they chatted. 'well, i saw you out there earlier. wanna hit that hill again?' scott looked down at his boots, 'um, actually, i'm gonna go to my locker and get my bag and rest a little more before i go back up.' 'well cool. thanks for the company.' ani got up from the bench and headed for the door, her blonde hair swaying on her back. scott shook his head as she walked away. 050209 ... crOwl kayla leaned her head back against the leather seat of mrs. dupont's lexus and allowed tim's erractic driving sway her shoulders back and forth in a partnerless dance of abandonment. she was feeling alien and lonely and something else. what was it? she thought. the reno casino strip lights bouncing off her eyelids, she felt her recent tears, dried salt on the tops of her cheeks but there was nothing left to fall. she needed someone to acknowledge her. someone to recognize she was hurting. scott, head in his hands, sighed deeply. i fucking let go of the most beautiful girl i have ever seen in my life, fuck! why?! he knew why. the knife of guilt that was wedged in his heart sat there still and when he pulled it out it hurt like hell, but somehow, also felt good. fucking good. even more than the pain. he was in love again. he knew it because he was hurting for doing something right. "want a hit?" tim asked kayla, firing up a fattie as they pulled on to the nevada interstate and headed back to their present home in the reno highlands. "no, thanks," kayla said. she was thinking of scott, wondering how his day of snowboarding was going. she grasped on to a hint of last night when she had climaxed and he looked straight into her eyes and thought for sure he was crying. was he? she couldn't be sure. it was something she wanted to ask him. and if he did, why? scott left the fire and made his way over to where he had locked up his snowboard. he inserted the key and turned. removing it, he set it down on the snow. suddenly all he wanted to do was see kayla. to be with her. to hear her breath against his ear. to touch the velvety softness of her inner arm. fuck this, he said. he headed towards the parking lot. tim was singing along with the primus cd he had fed to the 500 watt player, giving kayla the freedom to be alone with her thoughts. she found herself in a heavy misted fog, a blur of frustration, where it was hard for her to see what was what and who was who. sammy she knew. scott she wanted to know. scott pressed the automatic opener on the key ring and the range rover opened. he set his board in the back and got in. the engine roared to life. he drove on, all the way back, all the way home, wanting nothing but kayla. to begin where they left off. mile after mile. tim was stoned, talking out loud about why it would be harder to ride on the back of a butterfly instead of a bird. kayla ignored him. she knew they were almost home and she had a feeling scott would be there waiting for her when she opened the door. scott put in the great destroyer, low's new cd. he tried to think of something he could get for kayla, a welcome home present and he swore to himself he would never leave her alone again. tim took the exit 48. five minutes later they pulled into the dupont's driveway. tim was mumbling something about the difference between seeing and looking and he came over to open kayla's door but she was already on the steps. scott stopped at middle earth, a florist in reno's eastside. kayla opened the door. scott was there waiting. he handed her the gift he bought for her. she smiled and opened it. an orchid. "put it on the table," he said. she did as he asked. he bent down. "want a horsie back ride?" she got on and he rode her upstairs and into their bedroom. 050209 ... unhinged tim walked in to see the two of them disappear at the top of the stairs. he took the jacket and threw it on the banister, following the tile floor to the kitchen. he walked to the back of the house with his hands in his pockets, shoulders slumped forward, feet shuffling like a kid kicking a can. he had never got a straight answer out of kayla about why scott was her man, but he felt bad for making her cry, for making her show him something she didn't want him to see. so he had smoked all the way home and babbled his stoner babble instead of telling her what he wanted to like he always did when he had something important to say. he had never thanked her for saving clara's life or convincing scott to come after him and stop him from stealing that car. and if scott was anything like him, which he obviously wasn't, he would have been glad to see tim go. the two of them would be on their honeymoon together right now if it wasn't for him. but from the sounds that woke tim up at night that left him breathless and embarassed to overhear, they already were. he pulled a tupperware container out of the freezer that looked like it held something vaguely delicious, plunked it on the counter, and walked into the formal dining room to pull a bottle of irish whiskey out of the hutch. like his grandfather taught him, he only drank whiskey when he was celebrating or mourning. scott let kayla fall on the bed and turned around just as she pounced on him, grabbing his face and showering him with ravished kisses. as she reached down to unbutton his pants, he gently grabbed her hands to stop her. 'what happened kayla?' she crumpled into a heap on the bed and scott grabbed her in his arms, kissing away the tears that were falling on her cheeks. she squirmed and fought him like she always did when he tried to comfort her and he only pulled her closer to him until there was no room left between them for her to wriggle in. 'this isn't fair scott.' 'what isn't fair?' 'for you....for me to....that i just...' he stopped her fractured thoughts with his hands; as they slid down her sides and over her hips to her back where they slid back up under her shirt to unhook her bra, she stopped talking and a moan escaped her mouth. she grabbed his elbows. 'scott....' he pulled her torso upright and slipped the shirt and bra off. as he buried his face in her bare chest and gently pushed her back on the bed, she buried her hands in his hair. he slowly kissed his way to her chin and in a low breathy voice said 'what makes you think that i don't need you too?' 050212 ... crOwl square_the_circle_chapter_11_ 050214 ... a must read red blathe . 050803 what's it to you? who go blather from