innerviews_return_to_lucid frAnk hey sweetie, how many crabs did you finally eat? i couldn't believe how you would crack them open with your hands. was it the ghost that bit you? 010721 ... lu_cid i ate 1 minus half a dozen. i was afraid of them i kept jumping. I thought they were going to move. they looked so alive even though they were dead. eating whole crabs is somewhere between ecstacy and horror. it is the horror of ecstacy that keeps me going for more. 010721 ... frAnk when you showed me how to open them up it was like being in science class, disecting. good thing it was already after nine, i couldn't see much and i think i was the better for it. was i? 010721 ... lu_cid no, the first time i ate them it was in full light. darkness hides and leaves our minds to fill in the blanks. a dead crab moves in the darkness and lungs take a breath. in the darkness we are shown that blood flows and in the light veins prove to be non existent. this is why i can't sleep, because i only have my head to look at. life isn't as alive as we make it to be. at night death takes on a new form, a new shape, one that swirls at us and proves violent. in the day it is too bright to be afraid, to full to be aware. that's why children cry at night and hold blankets over their heads. they don't know what death is yet, but it threatens anyhow. 010721 ... frAnk i used to make a tent with my blankets before i fell asleep. with a flashlight i chased away the darkness and piled over twenty stuffed animals about me like sentinels. was this a ceremony to discourage death from taking me too soon? 010721 ... lu_cid yes, and it worked. it is with the absence of childhood that we forget how to chase it away and then we forget fear and it becomes depression and our whole lives become a journey to remember how to fear so we can be a child and forget depression. so we eat whole crabs and jump in the darkness as we tear out their guts. 010721 ... Photophobe I've been really sick this week, and lost my voice. It hurts to sing. Normally I sing when I'm by myself all the time... it wards off the silence. I'm so scared of the silence. An this week I've been walking around, scared of fading away into the deathly mute world. 010721 what's it to you? who go blather from