square_the_circle_chapter_19_ crOwl the out of the blue phone call from matt readle totally caught scott off guard. it wasn't that he forgot about tim. there was no way he could ever erase the memory of his brief, but meaningful friendship and the cataclysmic events surrounding their time together, it was just that he seemed to tuck it all away into a safe place in the recess of his dormant soul where he would occasionally revisit it in moments of quiet reverie, counting himself fortunate that he and kayla endured it and came through safe on the other side. he cherished their resiliance and dependance on each other, a fledgling relationship full of promise and a real future, yet, a sudden call from tim's brother brought it all hurtling back to him, demanding his full attention. mostly, it forced him to unearth the guilt he had buried. he cringed as he remembered where he was the night tim was beat up. he had abandoned everyone, wallowing in a spree of self pity and false gratification. there was always the lingering demon that pointed a condemning finger at him. "it's your fault tim died," it hissed. maybe assisting matt was a way he could redeem it all. and then, shouldering kayla's backpack and holding on to her warm, soft hand as they made their way back to their little house by the sea, accompanying the girl who was placing her hope in his stable presence pierced him with a sense of all inclusive closure. she wanted no part of it. she wanted to stay in california and go on with their new albeit fragile life. was she sensing something he wasn't able to? he was torn. they reached the porch. "i'll get the mail," scott said, setting kayla's bag on the wooden floorboards. just that little statement, the fact that they shared a mailbox together filled him with a wealth of wonder. scott watched kayla's ass as she moved on ahead of him and opened the screendoor. he always loved when she wore tight low waisted jeans. she turned and gave him a smile of relief and then disappeared back into the house. scott opened the mailbox and scooped out the fair-sized clutch of envelopes, catalogs, and mailers. underneath a bank statement and a credit application was a small hand-addressed pink envelope. his breath shortened. it was to both him and kayla. somehow the writing was familiar. scott glanced at the postmark. it was from reno. he stared at the return address. it was from clara. scott's heart beat fast. he sat down on the porch steps. he heard the piercing cry from a distant seagull. somewhere the smell of corn tortillas wafted on the small breeze. for a second, he contemplated whether or not to even open it. the temptation that pandora must have felt, he thought, and he gently and blindly gave in. he swallowed hard and began to read... dear kayla and scott, hello guys. how are you two? i bet you love living by the ocean! i thought it would be hard to get your address but thank god for google. anyway, i'm back in reno. i miss you both. and i miss tim too. i wish we were all together. but the real reason i'm writing this is that i'm really scared and i don't know what to do. it's eric. he's into some really weird shit and he's pulling me into it more and more everyday. i really want to get out of it. i don't know what to do. there's no one here that can help me. do you think i could come and stay with you for a few days? please think about it. please call me or write back as soon as possible. thank you so much. clara 060121 ... unhinged 'kayla, this came in the mail.' scott held the pink stationary out to her. the smile faded from her face as she read it. 'oh no.' she was quite pale by the time she could talk. 'i don't like this scott.' 'it sounds like we almost have to let her come here if it's that bad.' 'scott....' she sat down with her back to him so he couldn't see the stricken look on her face. he didn't realize something was wrong with her until her head was between her knees. he ran around the table so that he was situated in front of her and knelt down. 'kayla, what's wrong?' he lifted her torso off of her sitting lap. kayla was gasping for air almost like she was having an asthma attack. she pushed scott's hands away and put her head back in between her knees. scott heard her muffled voice coming from her knees. 'scott....' 'yes?' 'i'm having a really bad panic attack.' she started panting. 'i really can't breathe.' scott was afraid to touch her so he reached out tentatively with his hand and started rubbing in between her shoulders. they sat like that for a half an hour. suddenly kayla sat up. her hair flipped back over her face but some of it fell into her eyes. 'can you get me a glass of water?' scott nodded and went to the sink. 'are you ok?' 'no.' he turned to face her. 'but i will be eventually.' 060121 ... crOwl "scott?" "yeah?" he was at the kitchen sink glass in hand running his fingers in the low water pressure stream of water waiting for it to turn cold. "do we have any tylenol?" kayla's voice was strained and weak. scott filled the glass and set it on the worn linoleum counter. he opened the cupboards in the kitchen and scanned the near empty shelves. he moved a few jars of spices about, knocking the cinnamon down. "not in here." he brought the water out and gave it to her. "i'll check the bathroom." he ran upstairs. max darted out in front of him and beat him to the top. he saw himself for a moment in the mirror and was disgusted. his hair was growing out shaggy. bad hair month, he thought. he pulled it open. lotion. lip gloss. there it was. he picked it up. the green plastic felt light with cotton, so he shook it. empty. he flew down the wooden steps. max watched him from the landing. "all gone," scott said. "i'll be right back." "thanks," kayla uttered. she curled up on the couch and closed her eyes. clara's letter fell to the carpet. moments later max padded silently down the stairs and joined her. scott hopped on the beach cruiser they kept locked on the porch and flew down santa clara st. past the library, grant park, the post office, and came to the light at figueroa. he turned right to jue's mini-market and propped the bike against the stucco wall. he walked in and headed to the medicine shelves, stepping around an elderly man reading the label on a bag of microwave popcorn. scott snatched a jar of some generic extra-strength, shook it like a maraca and took it to the check-out. an asian kid nodded a standard, wordless greeting. scott yanked his wallet from the back pocket of his shorts. he was hoping that five was still there. it was. he paid and pushed through the glass doors, sleigh bell dinging, and hopped on his bike. just when he was about to pedal back to the house he heard his name coming from a feminine voice that sounded somewhat familiar from his not too distant past. he stopped like a deer at the side of a busy road. he saw a new shiney black escalade he had not noticed when he pulled in. at the passenger side was a bleary-eyed dude about seventeen. scott didn't know him. the guy's lids were so heavy that he was either stoned or just waking up. scott bent slightly down to see who had called his name from the driver's side but no one was there. he heard the door slam and figured whoever it was would come around to meet him. he stepped off the cruiser, propped it back where he first left it, and waited. "i can't believe this!" it was a young girl, slightly travel weary, but stunningly gorgeous. maybe it was the small framed glasses or the longish blond hair, but scott just could not put the voice and face together. "SCO-OTT!" finally the lilt hit him like a slapping wave. it was clara. "oh my god. CLARA!?" she ran up to him and hugged him on the asphalt of the parking lot. her body was soft and yielding against him. she pressed into him long, too long he thought. she let go but only slightly and looked into his face only inches away. "did you get my letter?" her breath smelled like sweet alcohol and cigarettes. scott's discomfort was obvious and as he pulled away, she released her hold and flipped her hair behind her ears. he backpeddled a few steps like he was treading water in a suddenly turbulent sea. the door of the convenience store opened and the old man appeared. he had pulled the bag of popcorn out of the plastic bag and continued reading the label. "um...yeah. actually today." scott scratched his head. clara's perfume was strong. it hung in the air between them like a curtain pulled open to let bright light pour unexpectantly into a room. scott felt like someone had suckerpunched him and he was picking himself off the floor. clara laughed and pointed. several bracelets jangled at her wrist. "is that your bike?" she was chewing gum open-mouthed. "scott looked over. it reminded him immediately of kayla and why he came. "yeah." he squeezed nervously at his bag of aspirin with one hand, pushed at his eyebrows with the other and watched the old man get into his car, a cherry vw bug with an ancient california plate, black and gold. "i know this is crazy," clara said, shoving her small fingers into the tight front pockets of her jeans. scott could see the top of her lace panties. she rocked her hips to one side. the sunlight caught the pout of her lips. "but i just couldn't stay in reno any longer. do you guys live close to here?" she took a step closer to him and reached out for his shoulder. it was like a shock. "it's so amazing to see you again. scott smiled and looked down. "i love ventura!" scott looked past her to a seagull that had landed on the dumpster and perched. it balanced precariously on the edge and peered in for something to scavange. "ah...yeah..not too far." he couldn't believe how clara had grown and changed since he saw her last. "i'm dying to see kayla again." clara squealed. "why don't we follow you there?" she turned around to the suv. scott glanced at her perfect ass. he felt his chest tighten. the dude she came with had his head one one arm. he was out. scott looked down and kicked at a discarded slurpee cup. it scraped and slid awkwardly away from him. this is not fucking happening, he thought to himself. he could see kayla laying on the couch, impatiently waitng for him. already wondering what was taking him so long. there's no way i can bring clara and this wasted dude back with me. "you know what?" he said, devising and concocting his lie. her recent anxiety attack flashed within him like sudden lightning that turned a dark night abruptly bright with severe reality. "she's back in ohio with her parents." he could only look into clara's green eyes for a brief second lest he fall head over heels into them. "fuck!" clara shouted, folding her arms. scott watched her push up her ample breasts, straining against her too small t-shirt. he turned away and grabbed the handlebars of his bike. "when is she coming back?" scott sat on the seat and wheeled around to face her, thinking fast. "she basically split. i don't know if she'll ever be back. we're trying to work things out but who knows?" he glanced at her enough to seem believable but mostly avoided eye contact. clara said nothing. when scott peered up at her. she was staring into him, burning a hole into his eyes. she knows i'm talking crap, he thought. he could feel his face hot with embarrassment. i'm so fucking busted. "so what the FUCK do i do now?" scott saw her eyes welling up with tears. she lifted her right hand and covered her mouth. scott exhaled. she bought it, he thought, relieved. 060123 ... unhinged it should have taken scott twenty minutes at the most on his bike to get the aspirin and come back. forty minutes after he left, kayla could feel the panic climbing back up her throat. where the hell was he? she laid down on the couch and martin crawled up under her chin, purring and nuzzling her. she couldn't help but smile. he had turned into the most adorable stray ever. she couldn't help but scratch his chin; he seemed a little starved for affection but not the way abused animals are. he must have wandered from his home or his mother. he laid down on her chest and she scratched his back. where the hell was scott? kayla needed him more than the cat. but, she thought to herself, martin was a suitable replacement. maybe she would end up an old cat lady after all. the thought made her smirk. scott came barging in the front door. 'kayla..where are? oh, there you are. you gotta get upstairs.' kayla made no move to get off the couch. 'what took you so long? what are you spazing about?' 'look. i ran into clara when i was at the store. i told her you are back in ohio but i couldn't get her to...' 'why did you tell her that?' kayla was too drained to raise her voice. the thought of yelling made her heart skip a beat. 'because i didn't think you were in any condition to deal with her.' scott walked over to the couch and helped her sit up. 'she's on her way here; i couldn't get her to leave town. you have to go upstairs.' 'scott, i'm not going to go upstairs. i don't have the energy right now.' he shot her a disbelieving glance. 'no seriously scott. i can't believe you don't believe me. what the fuck?' 'ok ok kayla. i'm sorry. i don't know much about panic attacks.' 'yeah, if you've never had one, then you should believe me when i tell you. and it was a bad one. it's not my fault you lied to clara. i don't really care right now. i don't have the energy to care. let her come over. let her see me a nervous wreck. she can leave in the morning.' martin was weaving in between kayla's ankles and began to mew rather plaintively. she picked him up. 'well at least he believes you.' suddenly she grabbed scott's arm. 'i don't want to fight baby. please, just lay here with me for awhile. i need you to hold me right now.' they laid on the couch together until the doorbell rang. 060126 ... crOwl when they laid on the couch together, kayla had her head on scott's chest, her brown hair spilling across his shoulder and her left arm wrapped around his waist. he reclined on his back and watched her face rise and fall with his breathing. this is how he wanted to live the rest of his life, even if it was metaphorically, just side by side with kayla, the two of them together, involved, connected. he didn't want anything or anyone to come between them and though he lied to clara he didn't think it was wrong. it just happened so fast, so unexpected, especially coupled with the out of nowhere call from tim's brother, matt readle. kayla's anxious reaction scared him and he acted out of compassion. he was hers and he wanted to protect her. he wanted to keep evil away from her. but kayla's words stung like so many wasp bites when he returned from the convenience store with the news of clara's presence. she was on her way over and it couldn't be good. even though kayla said she could be gone by morning, scott knew that wasn't going to happen. kayla's too soft, scott reasoned, his mind whirling out of control at a hundred miles an hour. he remembered standing with tim at the rest stop outside of chicago and watching clara duck into the women's room with kayla. she's a fucking weasel, scott thought. he knew shit went on with them in reno as well. she would be a bloodstain on their new white world. i can't let her come here, he grimaced to himself. as kayla continued to relax and turned away from him, pressing her ass into his groin, scott listened to her peaceful relaxation and prayed she would fall asleep. he pulled out his string of lies and unraveled it. this time he would have to tie one on for kayla. it's for her own good, he told himself. it's for our own good. meanwhile, clara, after crying and pouting to scott in the parking lot of jue's market and successfully coercing him with a clever mixture of charm and seduction into helping her, shoved the address of scott and kayla's rental house on santa clara st. and directions in the tiny back pocket of her jeans. having told him with a misty-eyed, five grand veneer-capped smile that they would come over as soon as they got a bite to eat, she stepped back into the escalade, waving to him, four fingers up and down, child-like, next to her chin. previously, scott had peddled furiously back to the house, all the while hatching a weak plan. he figured the last thing kayla would want in her fragile state was an unexpected visit from her recent, troubled past. i should never have told clara to come here, he thought, cursing himself. he was shocked to hear her berate him about his lie, but the more he thought about it, she was right. he should have told her straight up about kayla and tried to steer her elsewhere. but where? his mind reached out like fingers in the dark, trying desperately to find anything, anyone familiar. the only comfort he felt was hearing kayla's gentle snores rising forth and crashing like waves. "dude, who the fuck was that?" kayla's traveling companion blurted out from the khaki leather front passenger seat. his head was still plastered up against the window, but he slowly sat up and turned to face her as she started the car. he looked at her with slits for eyes. his mouth felt stuffed with cotton. he reached for the small pipe in the ash tray. his name was stewart. he was clara's teddy bear/fuck buddy/escape from eric. he was sixteen and his dad was conscierge at harrah's in vegas. he was the youngest of five and his mother was on a yoga retreat in bali. she didn't even know he had left reno. "that's my friend, scott, i was telling you about, dick-weed," she said, attempting to back up. she nearly hit a hispanic man pulling into the lot in a small honda civic. his horn shouted at her. "fuck you!" clara breathed. "dude looked like he was out of it," stewart said, reaching for the bowl that rested in the ashtray. he pulled a small tin out of his front shirt pocket and packed it. "you're fucking out of it." kayla said. she pulled on to figueroa street and looked for thompson boulevard. "let's get something to eat. i'm starving." she zoomed up to a red light. "then we'll go to scott's place. he's going to let us stay for a while." 'right on," stewart said, lighting the bowl. acrid smoke filled the plush interior. he hit it hard and passed it to clara. she sucked it and passed it back. "dude, we are so going to kick ass in this fucking place." she exhaled laughing. stewart nodded his head to the music and hit the bowl. he turned up the cd player at the same time. mars volta. he zipped down his automatic window and shouted, "crazy!" into the california blue sky. scott tried to remain as still as possible. kayla asleep was an answer to prayer. he figured he would take clara and her friend to his surf buddy, neil's house on pierpont. there were three of them, mandy and sean, with one room to spare since lucy moved to seattle. at least they could stay there the night, maybe the week-end. just to get her away from kayla. he could tell kayla that they must have changed their minds. that he didn't know what the fuck happened to them. they just never showed. clara and stewart found a tiny hole in the wall burritto joint called johnnie's. they ordered way more than they could eat and sat in the sun chewing and talking about chem trails conspiracies. clara loved when stewart smoked. he was so serious about everything. her favorite thing was to listen to him fill in all the imagined details of a complete stranger's life. "tell me about that old man," she said, sipping from her coke and pointing futively. he stood at the counter ordering. "dude just changed his old lady's diaper back at their little spanish tile roofed bungalo. she used to be a landscape painter and got alzheimer's last year. he comes here everyday to escape. gets a couple tacos and goes to the beach, sits in his beater buick and stares out to the sea. dreams about their adventurous history. their journies to spain. thinks he can't do this shit anymore." "that's fucking depressing," clara said. "sorry," stewart said, standing. "let's go check out this scott dude's place." when the doorbell rang, scott heard it like a fire alarm. he was gripped with panic and immediately turned to check on kayla. thank god, she's still asleep, he thought, inching carefully away from her in hopes of not waking her. he rolled off the couch like a circus contortionist and tiptoed to the door, carefully turning the knob and opening it only enough to slither through. he found clara and stewart sitting with their backs to him on the front steps. "hey," scott said, quietly shutting the door with a small gentle click. before they could say anything, scott had already stepped around them and was heading towards their car. "you know what?" he said, back peddling along the sidewalk. he pressed up against the escalade. clara stood. stewart stiil sat, squinting into the sun, thinking scott was definately spastic. "i was thinking we should head down to the beach. there's some friends of mine we can hang out with." "ok," clara called out. she extended a hand to stewart. he grabbed it and stood. they both joined scott at the car. "this is my friend stewart," clara said, smiling. scott shook his hand. it felt cold and clammy but firm. "nice to meet you," scott said. "what's up." stewart returned. ""you want to drive?" clara asked, tilting her head. "sure." scott answered. he took the keys and thought clara held on to his fingers a little longer than she should have. 060129 ... . in paragraph 4 it should read clara's traveling companion, not kayla's. 060129 ... . . 060207 ... unhinged square_the_circle_chapter_20_ sorry impatient little . i was having writer's block and internet access problems and then i had to go be auntie nicole for a week. :-P 060219 what's it to you? who go blather from