death_is_change_death_is_still_sad bloodred Even the smallest creature, if you see it everyday, talk to it, feed it...it becomes your friend. Always happy to see you and so eager to shine all the colors of the rainbow for you. When you can smell death coming when you see it right in your face you think you can prepare yourself for the inevitable doomsday creeping in... and then it dies. you'll never see this friend again anywhere on the planet. What can prepare you for that? 040916 ... . . 050106 ... aM i DiStUrBeD? Dead On Arrival 050106 ... unhinged nothing cause i've been trying to prepare myself for that for the phone call 'dude i'm so sorry, but...' and he was preparing himself like the old and wounded that drag themselves into the woods to die i knew that for what it was knowing easily that that happy night could have been the last night for us death is change the worst of all and even though he's been on the brink for years nothing prepares me for it the day he's finally inevitably gone 050106 ... high priestess sad because you still do not know the meaning of it all. you are afraid that with death you would be finished forever. remember death for it would make life taste so much more pleasant. 050113 ... egger hats off, unhinged. 050114 ... unhinged i imagined him in his hospital bed; i could barely get through that without a tear. hospitals reek of nothing but death for me. knowing they probably had him tied down, i shuddered. (i've been attempting to live my compassion again) so i imagined him in that bed, white, or maybe yellow or antiseptic green, all nasty death colors for me. i imagined the beeps of monitors telling them his heart was still beating ('i think your head's alright, your heart's just really broken') and i imagined sitting next to him, holding his hand as he slept. they probably drugged him to sleep through the worst of it. i imagined squeezing his hand. and then over his shoulder, i lit a white glowing bulb of compassion, with all the love of my angel that watched over me in my darkest times. i lit his powha for him, whispering the words that had changed my life. even though it would have worked better if i had actually been sitting there, if i learned anything it was 'think it and it shall be' with more truth in those words than i cared to know sometimes. i lit his powha for him from miles away knowing he didn't want me that close to him to see that. the straps, the machines, dark and unhealing sleep. so i turned a light on for him, hoping that the small part of his soul he left glowing would find it and latch on to it. so that when he does die, he can find a better place than the one he's at now. i still fight with how i would react; would i lay alone? would i finally desparately ask for some help? would they ever see it coming? i still don't know. 050114 ... please say yes is anybody here? 060819 ... ? ? 060819 ... anybody ? 060819 ... ? hello? 060819 ... nom hello! 060819 ... Doar Goodbye . 170507 ... Doar And hello again. . 170507 what's it to you? who go blather from