i_dreamt_that_i_dreamt_29 cr0wl gavin's dad was a stonemason by trade in a long of masons and sculptors. he designed and built meandering sidewalks and retaining wall planters, long walls, and garden bed terraces. a mosaic to him was fitting stones like pieces of an earth puzzle, each of them in their respectful place.each one necessary to compliment the one beside it. like people. he even had a personal philosophy about it that he called, "ische," some zen gardening derivative he thought he made up himself but learned it was a collage of several others. ever since gavin told him about asking lilly to marry him, his vision and dream was to build a garden for his son's wedding. a holy and sacred place full of life-giving energy where he could provide a physical and tangible metaphor for two becoming one, or at least accomplishing some form of collaboration actually, the small, southern california farm itself where gavin was raised with his sister, koey, was in much need of renovation. what better reason to enliven it than for his son's wedding. he had never met lilly, but looked forward to it with great interest, considering she would be the one to give birth to his grandchild, that is if that was how it would go down. his plan was to have the ceremony in what had become known as, "the st. francis garden," for the small weather-worn, moss-dappled statue that graced the middle of the english style cut-out with sod paths and a rough cut unpainted picket fence with four entrances facing the four winds. his vision was for it to become his magnum opus, complete with cobblestone paths and a variety of exotic trees, perennials, culinary herbs, colorful annuals, sprightly shrubbery, and a plethora of bulbs. presently, he was standing in the middle of the garden at the statue island. he had begun digging out the weeds and grass that had overtaken it. a wheelbarrow, full of various sizes of fieldstone he had lifted from a creek bed, rested beside him. in the distance his two horses swatted flies instinctively with a swish of the tail. a robin hopped in the grass near him. a gray and white cat rubbed a fencepost. he smelled woodsmoke. he rubbed at his grisled chin, a slight beard growing out from the last week shave he had to do for the clown show he does on the side at a local children's camp. he sighed for he knew much work lay ahead and if it were to become complete it would be only him that would do it. remembering lao tse, he quoted the i ching. " a thousand mile journey begins with a single step." and each step is a thousand days, he considered, realizing that ische also meant that the "now" is all we ever have. memory is for bright colored packages and drips of water upon the surface of a lake, he mused. we all interpret our lives. gavin's dad, or baeroun as his wife, marcy called him, thought on. he yanked at the grass, feeling a pang of pain in his left wrist, an injury that had never healed since he once fell off a ladder when unexpectedly attacked by several bees at once. we also have the hope of the future, he winced. yet, he knew it was more like a carnival ride. the ferris wheel that spins and dips into the water. as long as we hold our breath and wait patiently out we come, safe once more. in three hours he had the first stone circle set where gavin and lilly would say their vows. it stunned even himself with a beauty that was solid and enduring like love. the sun sank into a bed of fiery clouds and baeroun went back to the farmhouse. marcy had a bath run for him. "guess what?" he called out, removing his shoes at the door. their little chihuahua came up to him and wagged his tail languidly. "what?" she called back, approaching with a bowl of pudding. "here," she said, extending it to him. he could smell the vanilla. "have the rest." "thanks," he said, digging into it. "what?" she laughed. "we should have gavin and lilly's wedding here at the farm." baeroun swallowed and licked the homemade goat's milk concoction from his lips. "you know i always said we should baer..." marcy reached for his empty bowl and set it in the kitchen sink below a windowsill overflowing with several potted herbs. "though it will take all the time we have to get ready." "that's for sure," baeroun said, walking past her into the winter room. he sat down at the computer and checked his email. news from lake webegon. banana republic. slate. paste. his eyes jumped at the one from gavin. he clicked it on and read. "marcy!" baeroun yelled, "gotta come read this!" 080809 ... unhinged when they finally arrived at her house, there were no parting words between dennis and lilly. she got out of the car without looking at him and walked straight to the door. dennis' mouth flapped open and shut like a hooked fish. anger quickly rose up in him; who was lilly to make him feel this way? he was building her career for her. he sped off in a noisy flurry of expensive tires. lilly went straight to her studio. all the way home she had been thinking of the painting that would fit perfectly in carl's room of perversion. in her anger, she knicked a few other canvases digging through the stacks to get to it. her father. the blurry painting of the nightmare she had over and over of her father's brains blown out onto the hallway floor. gavin's tear stain still marred it. she fell to her knees, her bottom lip trembling. gavin heard the commotion in the front yard. 'come on boy. lilly's home. we have to tell her our new plan.' 'lil?' no response. gavin moved towards the staircase. 'lil?' coltrane followed behind, alert and wagging. 'up here.' her voice was tiny. gavin had learned that meant she was close to tears; as if the sound of her full voice would pull the tears right out. they bounded up the stairs and found her with the worst of her nightmares in her lap. 'what's wrong lil? what did dennis do?' she looked out the window and wiped a tear off her cheek with the back of her hand. 'he took me to his friend's house.' she sneered. 'he had this huge room full of sick twisted art work. there was a video installation of nasty porn... perverted sculpture,' lilly let out a ragged sigh. 'he wants one of my 'darker' paintings for his collection. i told him he was disgusting. me and dennis got in a fight on the way home. i...i don't know what to do. i don't think i'm cut out for this part gavin. dealing with people; people that have way too much money and contemptable tastes.' he sidled over to her and put his arm around her, taking the painting out of her hands. 'really? you want to sell him this one?' 'it should be etched in his brain too. if he wants to collect other people's nightmares, he should have my worst one.' gavin pulled her in to give her a real hug. 'i have good news for you mama. i thought of the absolute best idea today. trane thinks so too.' trane jumped to lick lilly's tears. she laughed. 'boy, that's so gross. keep your tongue to yourself,' lilly pushed trane away which only made him more playful. 'down.' the menacing edge in her voice made him stop instantly. he shot her his best puppy eyes. she turned her attention back to gavin. 'really what's that?' 'we should get married at my parents' farm. i emailed my dad today to ask him.' lilly hid her face in gavin's chest so he wouldn't notice the new tears. 'that sounds like a wonderful idea bub. but shouldn't i meet them first?' 080810 ... c r 0 w l the first time gavin told his parents about lilly, he had seen her three times. the initial meeting was at a bar in santa barbara near the palace cafe, then at a party in hope ranch, then after a dinner in ojai, he had to call his parents and share the mystery she threatened to become. he described her long brown hair like a horse's mane in the wind. her hazel eyes like a jewel in some rich woman's ring. her laughter like splashes of wine in a glass. her smile like the first promise of the day. his dad told him to shut the fuck up. his mother swooned and gushed. he described to them how she was a painter, but it was more like art therapy for he told them with grisly detail of the horrific experience she was forced to endure. yet, he wanted them to know she was doing well and especially because art was becoming a refuge as well as a spring of hope. he likened her as the four seasons of his life. spring's blush. summer's growth. fall's sadness, winter's death. she was his level balance. he wanted to marry her, he went on, because he knew they were partners in a collaborative effort to reach the world surrounding them. maybe it would be lilly's art, maybe their family for he divulged his recent dream history, or maybe a mosaic of all three, including his desire to write. "definately. i'll take you to meet them. they want to meet you really bad," gavin said, rubbing his hand across lilly's brow and putting her hair behind an ear. "how about this week-end?" 080811 ... unhinged 'yes, yes. i want to be as far away from the city as possible. the city makes me nervous; it's sapping all my energy. i am a farm girl after all.' gavin nibbled on her neck and trane licked her toes. she didn't know how to field both of them at once so she stood up like a small child toppling the blocks they had just painstakingly stacked up. 'let's go to the beach.' she flitted away to their bedroom and gavin couldn't help think of her as light he couldn't hold on to. 'hear that boy? wanna go play fetch?' the word 'fetch' put trane into a picture perfect downward dog, tail wagging, tongue lolling. they walked into the bedroom to find lilly putting a bathing suit on. 'woah. you're actually gonna go in the water?' she flashed him an impish grin. 'at least my toes. wouldn't want to get my clothes all salty.' 'i didn't even know you had a bathing suit.' 'i just bought it last week. i didn't even know your parents lived on a farm.' gavin winced. 'well....i guess i feel weird about my parents lil.' she snapped her head around at him. 'wait. just hold on a minute medusa. i know you don't want my pity. i know. but i've been like driftwood in my parents' lives lately. in and out with the tides. but i started talking to them more because of you.' he pulled her close to him. she wriggled in his arms. 'i like that you are all touchy feely again. really i do. but i need the beach. the rhythm of the ocean evens me out.' 'that guy was a super creep huh?' 'like dennis' evil twin. he talked about me like i wasn't even there. and the porn on the tv; the people were cutting each other. in painful places.' 'ummm...ew. what did he say about you?' lilly arched her eyebrow at him. 'that i'm hot.' she disappeared down the stairs. 'come on guys. to the beach.' gavin and trane both ran after her. lilly dipped her toes in the water as promised. every time a wave crashed in it chased her and trane back to higher ground. gavin watched from afar and chuckled. he was just glad to be included in her evening out time. in the mist it looked like her belly was rounded. gavin shook his head and rubbed at his eyes. when he looked again, the illusion was gone. 'yes, that is my baby mama.' he imagined toddlers milling about at her feet, touching her, following her like baby ducks. when they got home there was a bouquet of sunflowers on the front stoop. lilly picked them up and opened the card: i'm sorry. dennis 080811 ... cr0wl gavin, having taken coltrane the long, adventurous way around the back did not see lilly find the flowers and note from dennis browne. instead she found him engrossed in a jolly discourse on his cellphone with his parents. she heard him laughing like he was embarrassed for she was growing to know this about him. she was learning to love him for who he was, bit by bit. coltrane had his head in gavin's lap and peered up at lilly, batting his eyelashes dreamily at her. "where did you get those?" gavin asked lilly, spotting the sunflowers. he set the phone against his chest. she held them in both hands. she hid the card. "oh," lilly said, pausing. "i got them earlier." gavin hesitated before putting the phone back to his ear and he knew he had caught her in a lie, even if it was slight. he felt strange, though, as if in his trap was a helpless bird. he thought of which men in her life could have sent her a flower or given her one. he thought perhaps someone who enjoyed her art, but then she would have told him that. must be someone else, he thought. suddenly, he saw dennis browne and the way he admired lilly's body. the brief blankness of face suddenly turned green with jealousy and then slowly diminished to normal and he returned to his conversation with his father. "yeah, dad, ok..." gavin said, smiling. "we'll see you friday night. love you. bye." 080812 ... unhinged gavin walked over to her and snatched the card she was hiding behind her back. 'gavin!' she exclaimed like he had hit her. he read the card and lilly noticed the jealousy creep back across his face. 'what's he sorry for?' 'i don't know. probably for taking me to his friend's house. i freaked out on the way home.' 'why did you lie to me lilly?' 'because i didn't want you to freak out like you are right now.' he grabbed her arms and squeezed a little too tightly in his rage. she wordlessly squeaked. she broke his grip with a single strong downward jerk and ran into the house. gavin followed 'lilly!' he found her in the kitchen beating the bouquet against the garbage can. petals, leaves, pollen swirled around the room. trane tried to get close but was frightened by the force and noise. lilly looked up at him and froze him to the spot. 'don't you put your hands on me that way.' the quiet menace in her voice made the hairs on his arms stand up. coltrane barked a frightened exclamation mark. 'you best stay away from me.' she went upstairs in a whirlwind. gavin fell to his knees in the kitchen. eventually, he could hear her sobbing. coltrane heard her tears too, cast a baleful look in gavin's direction, and left him alone on his knees in the middle of the sea of linoleum. 080812 ... c r 0 w l gavin breathed out and his breath was sour with regret. his deflation was mortal, that is, as if he had been wounded. self-inflicted, yet accidental. he knew he grabbed lilly and that was why she fled from him and hid. yet, why? was he so enraged by the possibility she could be linked with dennis browne sexually? but what he felt stronger than anything was lilly's sadness and tears. they would destroy him. he got up and found a piece of paper. sitting down at the wooden kitchen table with its gingham tablecloth, gavin scrawled these words ... dear lilly... i'm sorry about scaring you. i never want you to be afraid of me. i'm sorry for hurting you. i'm going to the beach. i'll see you in the morning. please go with me this friday to my parents... i love you, gavin he grabbed his skateboard and ollied his way down the stairs to the street and on to the sea. 080813 ... unhinged lilly woke up completely disoriented. trane was cuddled up to her, the dog smell deep in her nose. she sat up and sneezed. she noticed gavin wasn't there. even though she had told him to stay away, she resented that he'd listened. that was one of the times he was supposed to do the opposite of what she said. her rational mind realized how ridiculous she was being and shook her head. she fumbled downstairs to make some coffee but stopped in front of the coffee pot. should she even be drinking coffee? she noticed gavin's letter on the table. trane was practically bowling her over in attempts to herd her toward his food. 'ok boy. jesus. i get it. food.' lilly sat down at the table and read the note over and over. her mind wouldn't work. her dreams from the previous night kept snapping back into head in vivid patches. everything she touched fell apart or bit her. the back of a tall guy who could have only been her boyfriend which the sight of made her afraid. her face in the mirror like a beat up picasso. trane rested his head in her lap whimpering. 'let's go to the beach boy.' as they walked, lilly realized that it was barely sunrise. there were very few cars on the road, some exercise fanatics running or jogging, a few others like her walking their dogs. she knew exactly what part of the beach gavin was on. he was curled up on a dune, wrapped into himself like a fetus. she laid down next to him and held his face in her hand. 'gavin....' in his sleep, he tried to pull her close and the sand started to fall down on them. 'woah. what? oh....' his monosyllables played across his face as he stood up. lilly stood up too and kissed him. gavin grabbed her close. 'i'm sorry i lied to you. nothing is going on between me and dennis. really. i have no idea why he sent me those flowers other than he felt bad. but he doesn't ever seem to feel bad.' lilly shrugged in gavin's arms. he pulled her even closer to whisper in her ear. 'i feel like an asshole.' 'you should. so do i. can we go home now please?' hearing lilly say 'we' and 'home' in the same sentence put a smile on gavin's face. 'so you gonna come with me to the farm on friday?' 'of course. asshole.' she playfully jabbed him in the stomach and trane barked. 080818 what's it to you? who go blather from