disspirited W.C. I believe music is intended to be the expression of the soul, but then why do I find nothing spiritual in making it? Instruments hold little mystery to me. Devices were made by men and follow certain rules and maintain specific characteristics. They're hardly an extension of a soul. There are rare occasions that mechanical sounds penetrate my heart. They are usually orchestral, and a multitude of sources must be employed to encompass my being. It takes a harmony the size of a monstrous beast to shadow the pride in my heart. But if a single soul sings--if someone hums softly on a summer morning--I am enthralled as a babe. I listen to it bittersweet, jealous it comes not from me but lulled all the same. 070402 ... blue_j Oh, God, the world is coming down on me. Why do I do this to myself? I am okay. I feel better than I have in years, but there is still something on the inside. It tugs at my heart and my mind, makes me weep alone at night. During the day, I am not alone, surrounded by one's who think I'm pretty, funny, nice. At night, though, I am so alone. I never thought this is where I would be. I hate being so alive on the outside, but dead inside. Sometimes I can't help but wish I wasn't here anymore. Lord, forgive me. 070402 ... Lady Lightness Today I want to crawl into a hole and feel nothing. Yesterday I wept when I slept with him, this morning I was ashamed when he took me home. I want to believe in the love I feel for him, I wish it were all uncomplicated and pure, but there is so much more to me, and everything is once again up in the air and I am worried and scared and I feel small and worthless. And these feelings will pass, as they always do. And right now I am up in them, I am up in my room, the door is closed and I want everything i've ever wanted and I want to just be dead and be over with it and I want something, someone, anything, to be enough. 070403 ... f but i want to give you a flower how can i if you are on a virtual... cyber space...? that's no good feeling like that.. when i can't be more than just words on a screen. do somthing nice for yourself, eat a whole box of chocolates under your duvet. i do that somtimes.. it's fun. 070403 what's it to you? who go blather from