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a chaotic gift to idealism
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someone said to me tonight, "maybe it's ment to be. maybe you are the savior" "Jon, you are by far ne of the most level-headed guys I have ever met"
neither of these comments left me with much to say. i do not mean this in a bad way though as, I believe it was complimentary.
This was an officer of the law i was speaking with. I know him and have known him for some time through voice chat and I am his commanding officer in an online gaming clan(yea, i'm a dork... what of it!?). I hold him in high regard as, he is a very nice fellow and very open to things. He may not think himself the smartest of characters but he surely is wise. wether he would admit it or not. I spoke to him of all my past drug use and bodily abuse. this only put him into more of an awe as he still held onto his previous statement about me being level-headed.
I never asked him to clarify his statement as, I think I am totally yonks.
As for his other statement.. well...
I discussed a matter with him and a specific loved one. I will not go over the wonders of the entire conversation as, it was quite the long one. Let me say though that, this loved one would probably slap me for talking to an officer of all people.. period.... let alone about her.
Anyone, I will say that I am sitting in a place of unknown answers to a couple of horrifying questions. The big one being... Did I make a mistake?
what result I have come up with on this is.. unknown. the explanation being that, sometimes people go over the edge. I did this for MANY years. I am sure that i need not explain in which manners i had done so but a simple... the things that bring one to the brink of death, so so many times.... should clear that up.
well, in this 'world' of over the edge, we are never really over the edge until we lose all rationalization. this isnt exactly hard to achieve but, sometimes, some of us push it to the point of not being able to return. i hit it about as close to home with that as i could. i was quite the fucktard back in the day.
well... did i make a mistake?
my loved one, i believe, has been dangling on the edge for some time. i believe that i may have completely, totally, seriously, unintentionally may have pushed. by a simple drunken statement that came out in a way that seemed to have focused blame on her, instead of the person the blame was aiming for.
did i make a mistake and be the one person who had been pulling her back from the edge... only to shove the hardest at the end?
my loved one and i left on that note. departed from one anothers presence. she went far far away for a few weeks and none of my questions will be answered until she returns.
did i make a mistake? was i the wrong person for a moment and turn out being a pusher... instead of a saver?
i wish she could know that, she means too much to me to push her... ever.. in ANY way that would be hurtful.
My armed forces friend insists that it is obvious i am a saver for her. i have told him the lifes story of my lover and i.. the lifes story that has spanned 2 lives.
to be continued... i think.
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050616
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