destroying_my_own_sanity unhinged i remember how i felt as a little girl. they would scream at me and my only bodily response would be to cry. my brain couldn't formulate a coherent thought, my lips and voice couldn't formulate words. and they would scream all these questions at me and expect a response and the only thing i could manage to say was 'i don't know' even when my father threatened to hit me if i said 'i don't know' one more time. my mother started screaming at me today about having a plan for my future. my only bodily response was to cry. my brain froze up into a contorted painful mess of self_hate and anger. the person my parents know as me is nothing like who i really am. i am frozen by their expectations for me. over the past six years i've changed a lot. but i feel like i have to maintain my old facade with my parents. for some reason, it is not acceptable for me to be content with a simple meager yet happy existence. i'm supposed to want to be married with kids with a house in the suburbs with two cars and because i don't want that something is wrong with me. because i don't want this and because i am not currently chasing a career because the past six years of college have so burnt me out that i have no desire to even think about it, in my parents' eyes i've wasted the past six years of my life and i am a lazy irresponsible ambitionless piece of shit. and i am really beginning to hate my parents for this; because i know why i think that i'm no good. because no matter what i do, that's what they've been telling me my whole life. that no matter what i've done or achieved what i'm doing at this present moment is disappointing and worthless. and of course they mask that with 'that was good but' or at least they used to. and little do they know that all their yelling and punishing only inspires the contrary result with me. my mother was cryscreaming at me today about how she is sick of hearing how horrible it is to live with them. but it isn't the phsyical living part that frustrates, agitates, and sickens me. it's the mental part. that no matter what i do, i'm getting yelled at for what i didn't do. that at almost 24, i'm reduced to tears by them because i don't dare say what i'm thinking. i would be an ungrateful unappreciative bitch if i said what i was thinking. and the whole situation is only complicated by the fact that i know that they love me and i love them because they are my parents. but i can't live under the same roof with them or anywhere within a two hour radius. being that close to them is destroying my own sanity. 050719 ... LS Move out. 050720 ... unhinged i'm working on that; i was hoping to have everything squared away with my degree first. but at this point, i don't care. knowing how to drive would help. *sigh* 050720 what's it to you? who go blather from