conscious_decision re_alisma although i think conscious_decisions are a little overrated, i still find myself in a bit of a conscious_decision_making mode/bind/whatever. my age being what it is, and my not having children yet, i find i must think about this issue. i'm not going to get down on myself for not having had any children yet, but i still have to keep thinking about it, a little bit to my chagrin, but not totally because it's the right thing to do. i'm not jealous of other mothers for being mothers, although i am jealous of anybody that seems to have a purpose in life. i work with children (age 8 and up) and i don't particularly pine to have one, or some, a little closer to me. same is true of my little nephew and niece, i enjoy them, but i don't wish that i could be enjoying them more (or something -- i'm trying to avoid language that implies potential ownership). this bit of aloofness on my part means that i don't think it would be any great personal tragedy if i never had them. BUT here is the big stickler. i have a very close relationship with my mother. and my father. separately. without going into details, i think i might want to have a child (or whatever) to advance the state of these relationships. and i would probably enjoy my own (erggg can't get away from it) child or children since parenting is a great creative outlet. i wish i could be like: BECAUSE I LOVE KIDS. but i don't really. kids are kids. they are people that need attention. who doesn't? they just make it a whole lot easier than adults seem to. so yeah, the issue is not without charge for me, but kind of ambivalently. i suppose it would make me happier and grow me up a lot, and also give me something to do. but i won't feel tragically disappointed if it doesn't happen, because i will have had time to attend to other things (like i already have -- one must believe that time already spent was time spent doing what was meant.) i actually wish it weren't so charged and i just accidentally had a kid and had to say OK THERE YOU HAVE IT, IT'S IN YOUR ARMS, DEAL WITH IT. and then that would be my fate, which is probably more enjoyable than an illness. although i can't put my illness down on the lowest rungs of the ladder either. so it's extremely hard to say. i think i would say I'm not sure. and that would be an honest answer and not an evasion. i'll tell you this, though, i will be VERY SAD if i get through the last two-thirds of life without accomplishing anything beyond what i've already accomplished. but i suppose the problem then is that i would have been doing stuff that's hard to claim, so you just have to trust that you're not wasting your time or something. anyway, i'm getting confused and it's time to end this little update on the whole "So, do you want to have children?" question. the question should actually probably be, "So, do you want more new people in your life?" to which i could answer unequivocally in the affirmative. And then leave it up to God or the guides/masters/teachers/spirit guides/angels how that's supposed to work. so, actually, huh, i change my mind. i don't want to make any conscious decisions in the matter. i probably wouldn't be able to pull that decision off, consciously. 101209 what's it to you? who go blather from