square_the_circle_chapter_3_ crOwl square_the_circle_chapter_1_ square_the_circle_chapter_2_ the bus lumbered to the right, up the exit ramp, carrying its full and heavy load of travelers and their belongings, all of them weary and ready for something other than the broken white lines of the endless stretch of midwestern highway. the boy from philly let out a primal holler, just raised both tattooed arms in the air and shouted. no one even looked at him, they sighed, all of them in their own way, because it's what they all felt. this sense of relief. this new chance to walk and breathe fresh air. it was high time to pause, to get out of the sardine can and stretch. scott led kayla from the cramped bathroom back to their seats. she sniffled and held on tightly, and in her grip he felt her need. he was holding her hand without thinking, instinctively offering his concern out of the compassion he wanted to give her. a few passengers peered up from their seats to watch them and passed their judgements to themselves. the boy from philly was surprised and disappointed, figuring there was something going on with the two of them. he had been planning on making his move. scott was worried about kayla. he offered her his white handkerchief from the pocket of his cords so she could wipe her tears. she accepted it with a gracious smirk and dabbed at her cheeks, said thanks, gave it back to him, didn't look at him, staring off at the other passengers preparing to get off, as the bus rolled slowly to a stop in evansville, indiana. scott stuffed the handkerchief back into his pocket and then bent down to snap up his carry-on bag. he lifted it to his lap. kayla turned to him cautiously and he caught her gaze. "don't run off this time," he said. she looked down and away. "let me get you something to eat." she looked at him again and thought carefully for a few seconds, blinking her eyes. scott could still see the residue of tears on the long lashes. her eyes were glassy with moisture and her cheeks were slightly flushed. she reached up and put several strands of hair behind her ear and cocked her head to one side. "alright," she said, smiling for a brief second. she clutched her purse in her lap and stood up. scott stood behind her and they enterd the aisle of the bus, standing in the slow moving line. his nose nearly touching the back of her head, scott could smell her shampoo, some faint mixture of fragrant herbs, he saw the hair falling gracefully on the gradual slope of her shoulders and he closed his eyes. he remembered the scent of paige, how she would stand in front of him at concerts, his arms wrapped around her waist, his groin pressed into her ass. she would rock back into him, push her head into his lips, and then upon his shoulder, grind and melt into him, as the music carried them far and away to their own place. scott opened his eyes again at the wail of the hispanic baby. his grandmother said something in spanish and he stopped, burying his face in her shoulder. they didn't speak, simply followed the snail-paced movement of the line until they finally reached the door. it was chilly and a light wind ran its long fingers through kayla's hair. scott stayed close to her, as if he didn't she would go on without him or even disappear. he wanted to put his arm around her, draw her close, like a brother, but he didn't. they stepped along the sidewalk towards the building, this time a mcdonalds/pizza hut/starbucks combination and scott held the door open for her. once inside they stopped and several travelers pushed past them and around them heading off in every direction. the boy from philly approached from behind. "dudes, i scored a j." he said in a heavy whisper, lifting one eyebrow. "want to join me?" he looked at kayla, who ignored him and then at scott. scott shook his head no. in another time he would have jumped at the chance, sieze the opportunity without hesitation, share the elation immediately, but those days were over. "thanks anyway, man." he leaned next to kayla's ear. "how about a bagel?" 041208 ... unhinged she wanted him to hold her. she hated when she wanted boys to hold her like that. she was slightly frightened of scott because something was quickly developing between them but she was still broken and bruised and in pieces from sammy. and she wanted to run away from him and revulsion sprung up in her like shit spilling out of a clogged storm sewer. this hit of oxy was doing nothing for her; even the oxy couldn't fight all the shit that was raging in her head. oxy had a way of not working when she was this fractured. she was tempted to follow the boy with the joint. weed could knock anything out of her head; she should just go back to weed. 'how bout a bagel?' she didn't like bagels. she didn't really like to eat. especially right after pills because it ruined her buzz. a little tiny surge of chemical euphoria entered her brain that forced a budding smile to her lips. 'uummm, i don't like bagels much. maybe just a banana or something. i don't think it's a good idea for me to eat much.' 'do you get motion sickness or something?' 'sometimes and this guy's been driving pretty wild. i don't have any dramamine either.' 'so a banana. i'll be right back.' and he looked at the benches right by the opening of the food court trying to direct her with his gaze. his persistent watchfulness with that edge of worrying was beginning to annoy her. but, he was only trying to help. he disappeared into the food court and she sat down. a few seconds later the kid from philly sat down next to her. 'hey. my name is tim by the way. thanks for the smoke earlier.' 'oh, hey. no problem man. my name is kayla.' she shrugged. 'so, uh, what's up with you and that dude?' 'oh...nothing.' 'really? are you sure you don't want to go smoke this joint over in the park?' and he held out his hand between them. a nice fat joint sat on his palm. kayla bit her lip and looked over her shoulder to see where scott had gone. she really did want to smoke with tim. and what did she owe scott anyway? his immediate clingyness was really beginning to agitate her. that was her standard response to anyone that tried to stop her from doing things. she definitely held true to the idea that only she could stop herself. she didn't owe scott anything. 'yeah. let's go.' and she got up quickly and moved toward the door. 'i mean do you know that dude?' 'no. the seat next to him was the only empty seat left when i got on back in youngstown.' they walked across the parking lot to the empty winter park. they walked past the playground swings into the woods. not that the woods would cover them up in early december. the bare stick branches rattled together quietly in the slight wind. he lit the joint and passed it to kayla. they kept walking. after a couple of hits he looked at her. 'why'd you leave town? why you going to l.a.?' 'to get away from my ex.' he raised his eyebrows. 'interesting. how long you been broke up?' 'ummm....three days.' 'must have been nasty. but why l.a.?' 'cause the west coast is as far as i can get.' 'yeah dude, i hear ya on that. i've had a few of those myself.' they continued to pass the joint between them and just kept walking quietly. unlike her and scott, the quiet wasn't awkward. all of a sudden she felt really trashed and stumbled on a log. tim caught her. 'woah there.' 'sorry man. i'm really blowed. that must have been some good weed.' and the weed had drawn out any of the oxy in her system; oxy and weed was a strange but fun mixture. 'eh, it was alright. i think it was whatever else you've been doing.' and he smiled a devil grin at her as he held on to her elbow and led her back towards the parking lot. 'you want some dude?' she said dude and man way too much when she was stoned. 'well what you got?' 'pills. many kinds of pills. codiene, vicodin, muscle relaxers, valium, oxy...' 'oxy, shit babe. i'll pass on that but maybe i'd chill on a vicodin.' 'how about a vicodin and a smoke?' 'sounds chill to me.' in the meantime, scott had just navigated his way through the crowd in the food court and handed the cashier the money for the bagel and the banana. he left the food court and of course kayla wasn't sitting on the bench. he hadn't really expected her to be but really hoped she would still be there when he got back. he shook his head and sat down himself to eat his bagel. 041209 ... crOwl "can i help you?" the teen-aged barista asked. she was dressed in the typical starbucks uniform, green apron, white shirt, and black cap. the espresso machine whirred irritatingly behind her. "do you happen to have any fruit?" scott inquired. he was scanning the display case to where the bagels rested, plump and inviting, along side tempting white forest bars and mouth-watering pumpkin cheese cake. "sure do," she answered. her small silver nose piercing caught the design conscious overhead light. "bananas, apples, and um, let's see... pears!" she had a lilting midwestern accent that scott thought pleasing. he also liked the necklace she was wearing. hemp and beads and how it acentuated her ample cleavage as she bent over. "could i have a banana please, and, um, a cinnamon raisin bagel?" he scratched his head. pretty girls made him nervous and air-headed. "why sure." her friendliness was somehow comforting. as the girl worked to fill his order, scott dug into his back left pocket, the weight of his carry-on shifting to the right. his small, black wallet was well worn. he opened it and a foto of paige, the one he took himself at washington square park, stared up at him. it was a sunday in july, three weekends after they met. she was wearing a gauzy singlet and board shorts. a thick, sky blue headband pulled her hair off her face. she was still dimple smiling from the conversation they had with a small, african-american boy who just said that the sun coming in and out of the clouds was god opening and closing his eyes. this brief moment of happiness seemed to mock and jeer him. it shook him with regret. he quickly opened the bill slot and yanked out a five. he scanned his decent savings and felt somewhat satisfied. he tried to scrimp at least enough from his landscaping work to get something started once he reached los angeles. memory still had its painful hook in him and yanked him cringing back to that same summer day. they took the subway and skipped on in their delirious haze to coney island and after several hours of crazy amusement park fun, made out heavily under the boardwalk with cotton candy breath. paige was never self conscious to display affection in public and did erotic things to him, sneakily and crafty, even when strangers were a few feet away. "that will be $3.69." scott was locked away in the torment of recollection. "sir?" "oh, sorry." he handed her the five as paige's delicate image shattered into a thousand silent pieces. "you can keep the change." "why thank you. now you have a nice day." she smiled, looked him in the eyes for a second and then refocused her attention ahead to the businessman standing next in line. "you too." he snapped shut his wallet and put the haunting memory of paige away. yet, he knew he could never forget her. scott stopped suddenly and stood motionless, banana in one hand, a starbucks bag in the other. kayla was gone. "fuck!" he breathed. he felt flushed. blood rose to his face and began to boil. it didn't surprise him, but still he wished they could have some time together out in the open away from the tight, cramped quarters of the bus. he had so many questions he wanted to ask her. who she was. who she wanted to be. why she was traveling alone. why she was crying in the bathroom. who she left behind. where she was going. who she would see when she got there. what she hoped to do. but even more than that he wanted to talk about getting high. why she did it. why he did it. why he quit. if she wanted to quit. he wanted her to know he cared and that his concern was genuine, even if he came off as a cliche. he sat down on the bench where he left her and laid the banana down in the emptiness her absence had created. i've already fucked things up, he thought, taking a bite of the bagel. it was amazingly delicious, a direct contradiction to the bitter remorse he'd been chewing on. he figured his solicitude was too clinical. she probably thinks i'm condescending, he thought. he chewed and swallowed. an anne taylor dressed mother who obviously had work done on her face sat near him with a punk girl that must have been her daughter. she looked bored. they exchanged glances. the girl looked sourly at him a second time. he smiled to himself. he liked her pink and blonde hair and black t-shirt with white letters. looks like an alix olson quote he thought and he wondered if she was as 'subtle sister.' looking away, he scanned the crowd of milling travelers, hoping to catch sight of kayla. it never occured to him that she would go off with the boy from philly and when he saw them coming back in from outside he was somewhat shocked. a creeping feeling of rejection washed over him, black clouds covering the sun. shadows disappearing. she was clumsily bumping into him as they walked, laughing with overly dramatic flair, putting strands of her gorgeous hair behind her ears, beaming that killer smile. from twenty feet away, she noticed scott and put her head down. he pretended not to see her and kept eating. the bagel lost all of its flavor, diminishing to paste. moments later, kayla stood next to him. he could smell skunk from the slight breeze of her approach. he immediately put it together. the dude from philly saw her sitting alone and talked her into getting stoned. fuck that, he thought. he was pissed. he was fuming hot. "there's your banana," he said, pointing, looking up at her. yeah, her eyes were glazed. he finished the bagel and tossed the wrapper into the trash can beside him. the punk girl stared at him again, but he did not notice. kayla picked it up from the bench. "thanks," she said. scott ignored her and folded his arms. looking down at his doc martens with their broken shoelaces, he dug close-mouthed at pieces of his bagel with his tongue where they had lodged in his teeth. he always did weird things with his mouth when he was stressed. "how's that bagel?" she asked, trying to break the ice of his cold shoulder but she was met with an obvious disregard. "what's your problem?" she asked. there was amusement in her tone, almost laughter and he knew it was from the weed. scott shook his head and sighed. no wonder paige hated when i smoked fucking dope, he thought. he did not speak, opting instead to swallow his rage. he wanted to understand why she left, trying to put himself in her place even though there was an arrow sticking in his heart. he wanted to be able to act the part of the friend who was there no matter what, the man on the bus whom fate had brought to her for some intricate plan of destiny, but not now. fuck it, he thought to himself. so he snubbed her. he stood up, gazing out amongst the crowd. he was searching for the boy from philly. he had a plan. he found him coming out of the restroom. leaving kayla as she peeled back her banana, he walked up to him. the skunk smell was slight. his eyes were red and nearly closed. a little boy ran past him calling out for his dad. "hey dude, what's up?" he asked, a bright smile spread across his face. he shook his head up and down like a bobble-headed doll of himself. "those automatic towel dispensers are bitchin' dude." "what's up?" scott returned. he couldn't help but laugh, a hissing drop of steam on the fire in his soul. "hey, i got a favor to ask of you." "oh yeah? right on." scott shoved his hands in his pockets and turned back to look at kayla. she was sitting on the bench talking with the punk girl. her mother was standing in the starbucks line. he turned again to the philly boy and traced an invisible line on the vinyl floor with one boot, as if this is all the farther he would go with kayla. and then with an impulsion he only employed when he felt someone had completely disrespected him, he beseeched the stoner. "when we get back on the bus could you change seats with me?" 041210 ... unhinged they sat down on a grey weathered picnic table next to the abandoned playground equipment to smoke a cigarette. she pulled the bottle of vicodin out and popped one in his hand. then she put the cigarette in his mouth and lit it for him. 'thanks babe.' 'nope, thank you.' she sat far enough away from him that there looked to be an invisible wall between the two of them. 'so what are you gonna do when you get to l.a.?' 'honestly dude, i don't know. my life was so fucked up back in that shit hole that anything has to be better than that. i guess it's kinda stupid to move across the country without any plan, but i couldn't stay there. not another day.' 'no kay. i getcha. i'm almost planless myself.' 'could you please not call me that? my name is kayla.' tim scooted a little further away from her and exhaled his smoke in a noisy puff. 'sure. i'm sorry.' 'no i didn't mean it like that. it's just...people i would prefer not to remember used to call me that.' 'yeah.' they huffed on their smokes in silence for a bit. 'i bet scott is waiting for me with my banana. we should probably head back. ' 'sure.' they walked back across the parking lot into the food court. he was sitting on the same bench eating and he looked pissed when he glanced at her. a little of the oldschool ghetto belligerence crept up on her. she was rather fucked at this point after all. but she swallowed it; scott was just trying to be nice. right? she would just play it off. she walked up to the bench and he barely glanced up to acknowledge her. 'there's your banana.' he pointed in a pissy fashion at the banana on the seat next to him. 'thanks.' she picked it up but wasn't sure if she wanted to sit down. scott was bristling. she hated public confrontation let alone with someone she barely knew. even though it pissed her off when other people did it she started the small talk 'how's that bagel?' he just stared down at his feet silent. the belligerence she had stifled welled back up; honestly what the fuck was his problem? but when she was really trashed and pissed it came out more as a laugh 'what's your problem?' and a little stoner chuckle escaped her. he got up and left without saying a word. at around the same time, the yuppie sitting next to her got up and left her cute little punk daughter sitting next to kayla all alone. kayla started to peel it and turned to the girl with the pink streaks in her hair. 'is that modest mouse lyrics on your shirt?' the girl's shirt had the line (the world is my ashtray) printed on it in plain white type. her scowl made her even cuter. how long had it been? too long. suddenly the girl looked up and smiled. 'yeah, that's cool that you know that. i wouldn't think many people around here would.' she rolled her eyes into the crowd. 'well i'm not from around here. i'm from youngstown. would you like some of this banana?' kayla looked up to see scott talking to tim. 'youngstown huh? i have a cousin in youngstown. you dudes know how to chill out there. sure, i'll take some.' 'yeah we do.' their hands touched as kayla passed a sizable chunk of the banana over to her. 'what's your name by the way?' she took a bite and said 'clara. and yours?' 'kayla.' kayla flashed a melty grin her way and the girl looked nervously down at her hands. even though it had been awhile, looked like she still had it. clara gobbled the last bit of the banana and suddenly looked defiantly up at kayla. clara grabbed kayla's hand. 'come to the bathroom with me' a whispered pant. 'right on babe.' and they both ran the five feet to the bathroom door. kayla dragged her into a stall and locked the door behind them. both with wicked grins, they melted into each other. kayla looked at her grinning face and realized she was probably committing a felony. 'you taste like pot.' 'yeah, i'm kinda high.' kayla bit her lip. 'hot. wish i was. my mom is driving me crazy.' she bit kayla's lip and pulled her closer. 'woah. woah. you are probably illegal.' kayla's voice was smothered with sweet hot kisses. they both heard the bathroom door open. 'clara? clara are you in here?' clara's eyes popped out of her head. she mouthed the words 'oh shit.' 'yeah mom,' her voice cracked. kayla motioned that she would stay put til they left and that clara should walk out of the stall. clara grabbed her hand and nibbled on her kneck. kayla pushed her towards the door. in the meantime the mother kept talking: 'i walk away for one minute....that line was horrendous...i don't even think they know how to make a decent latte in indiana....' kayla hid in the inside of the door as clara opened it and the last she saw was a wink. kayla waited til the mother's endless prattle was silenced by the closing door. she walked out of the stall and stood in front of the mirror. her cheeks were flushed and she had that post kiss face grin. she was suddenly hit with a blast of oxy/weed and her grin only widened. it had been too long. 041211 ... crOwl tim, the stonerboy from philly, clasped his hands behind his head and stretched. he didn't know what to say in response to scott's puzzling question. his immediate thought was yeah, why not, he liked kayla and her candy and definately wanted to get to know her better, who knows, maybe it could turn into sex, but he wondered why scott suddenly came to such an abrupt change of heart. so he asked him. his one word inquiry came forth with a curious groan. scott's anger fueled his answer partly due to tim's intrusion. didn't he know he was trying to prevent her from hurting herself? how dare he butt in and override the princely intentions of his dramatic rescue. yet it was her obvious brush-off that was bothering him the most. "i don't know, you want her. you can have her." he knew that was a cheap lie and he could almost taste the bitter selfishness as it came forth and hung on his breath. the truth of her rejection of him was too hard to accept so he played the martyr as if he was unwillingly giving him something precious that belonged to him. "whatever, dude," tim said, having trouble making sense of this ridiculous reason. "i was just tryin' to liven up things. don't take it so seriously. she's a good girl. she's just goin' through a rough time. give her some space. we're all just gettin' to where we're goin', havin' some fun through the madness." scott realized he had a point. maybe he was acting impulsively. maybe he should just let her obstinancy wash over him like rain before the clouds clear up and forget about it. simply let things play out and not let his ego get in the way. why was he trying to save kayla anyway? the last thing she needed was his condemnation and self-righteousness. giving up his seat beside her would only show he was a worthless prick. he already wished he could take back his indignation. scott felt the resentment fading. he swallowed his pride. "nevermind," he said. "i was just pissed, but you're right. i need to make room for who she is and not let myself get in the way." "there you go, dude." tim said, dropping his hands and firmly patting him on the back. "besides i like the old dude sittin' next to me. he's all smart and shit, always talkin' philosophy." suddenly tim gasped. clara, the teen-aged punk girl was coming out of the women's restroom and caught his eye. her lolita swagger was hot as hell. "dude, check HER out," tim breathed out heavily. he ran his long, bony fingers along his scraggly beard and bit down on his bottom lip. the weed he smoked with kayla and the vicodin she gave him was hitting him like wind in a sail, enriching his powers of observation, especially with the opposite sex. scott followed his direct gaze past clara to where he left kayla at the bench. he noticed she was gone. "yeah, i know," scott said, automatically, but he barely saw her in lieu of the blindness his self-introspection was creating. "dude, she is SMOKIN'!" tim exclaimed, emphasizing his point with a throaty whistle he blew through the slight gap between his front teeth. he couldn't help but stare as she made her way in front of them, past the oblivious crowd of travelers, her pert breasts straining against her t-shirt, her tight, high ass swaying. he watched her approach her mother who was bending down beyond the starbucks line to tie what must have been her little brother's shoes. she looked up with her suburban exsaperation and they exchanged words. tim shook his head with wonder, undressing her with his pornograhic mind. clara spoke quickly and fervently and eventually seemed happy with the way the small conversation went and quickly turned around, heading back in front of them to the bathroom. she gave tim a brief, lusty nod. tim thrust out his hand and tapped scott on the arm. "dude, you're missin' it." scott looked up and watched clara nearly collide with kayla as she came out of the women's bathroom. they both noticed the flush in her cheeks immediately. before they could say a word they watched in surprise as clara kissed her on the cheek, grabbed her hand and practically yanked kayla back into the bathroom. "what's up with that?" scott said, amazed. tim began to laugh incredulously. "dude, there's some crazy shit about to go down!" 041213 ... unhinged square_the_circle_chapter_4_ 041213 ... a must read red blathe . 050727 what's it to you? who go blather from