home_again Ouroboros going in the car- my mom is driving and upset, my aunt is on the phone explaining to our cousin that no, we're not going to the hospital to pull the plug on my grandfather, my uncle is being supportive, and my brother is high. and my grandfather is dying. and my grandfather hands are strapped to the bed so he doesn't pull out the thick plastic respirator tube that is currently keeping him alive and breathing. and my grandfather cried when he saw my aunt crying. and held my hand. and blew me a kiss when i told him i loved him. and shook his head vehemently from side to side when i asked him if he was ready to die. and my mom ran out crying and shook and asked me 'what should we do'. and he wants to get up and go home. and my grandmother fell last week and hit her face on the sidewalk. last night i slept at her house and we crawled into bed and whispered in the darkness. his friend, who she hated, had taken her out on a date, before my grandfather asked his permission to go out with her. he was cute and everyone in the family liked him and thought he was nice. on the table next to me is a psychiatrist's bill, "purging type." i saw my brother's bong this afternoon. i rode the bus home from the beach, the only gringa on a bus full of latino families. my grandfather's kidneys are failing, his blood is cancerous, his brain may or may not be functioning fully, his lungs can't breathe on their own. he doesnt want to die. he wants to get up and go home. my grandfather is dying. my father can fucking sit at a dinner party with his new girlfriend and pretend he doesn't hear nora jones come on and doesn't remember that we played her at Heidi's funeral 2 years ago. cars drive past and past and past and i want to scream at them that they are actively destroying our earth. i give my leftovers to a haggard boy who has nothing but scorn for me. i am listening to 'peach plum pear' on repeat. i say fuck in all my sentences. i read crime and punishment in the sand listening to the waves and screams at the chilly water. 060531 ... Ouroboros he was sleeping when we stopped by for 8pm visiting hours, with the horrible piercing alarm going off whenever he stopped breathing. my mom and the nurse talked about his alertness. bye grandpa i thought in my head. 060531 what's it to you? who go blather from