six_years_ago ClairE Six years ago today, I started my first long_term_relationship. It lasted over three years. 031125 ... ferret i never thought i'd be who i was today, either that, or i thought i'd be exactly who i am today. i don't know the difference anymore 031125 ... r1y9a6n4 about this time six years ago i was a kid with a head full of dreams o how the things of life have their ironic fun with dreams 031125 ... birdmad if i knew six years ago what i know now, i never would have told her. 031125 ... des i was 10. 031126 ... oblivionmachine six years ago i couldnt have known the failure i would become at the hands of my lover i could only fanatize 031127 ... tail-devouring snake all my hopes were a far-away dream, and the best i could do was physically move, knowing that what i was moving to wasn't them, not even close. 140217 ... tail-devouring snake i practiced yoga multiple days a week, rode my bike to work, and was winding down a relationship. i lived with a ridiculous man who spent hours blow-drying his hair every day. i was glowing in the aftermath of a fantastic burn, and the successful experience of journeying with fungi by myself at dawn. i had brunch with my mom and grandma, the last time i saw my grandma as herself before dementia took a hold. i felt hopeful, calm, strong, empowered. 140910 ... flowerock 2008? the early days of a very toxic_relationship. I let in a disease. I learned all the wrong things the hard way. I was a wilting flower, covered in aphids. desperate for approval and to be responsible and stable in the midst of chaos and a dark un_reality. sick. used. a tool. lost. oblivious. confused. hurting. so much better now. better than I have words to describe and somehow, it continues to amaze me with its ever_bettering of everything! I am so thankful and fortunate an happy and loved and in love and capable now... I am no longer wilting but stretching my petals towards the sun and pushin my roots out in all directions, new buds burst into bloom every day and drop seeds of light to follow the sun to guide me home. I an stillearning. to let my soul shine and be less guarded and afraid. I have the most amazing sunflower to help me though. thank you universe for this lover, guide, co-learner, teacher, student, soulmate. 140910 what's it to you? who go blather from