of_the_crumbling_difference maria between_wrong_and_right 040202 ... refleciive bird there's where i drifted left_of_center there i was then, blurring_the_edges (..."that's me in the spotlight, losing my religion") 040202 ... endless desire changes make my stomach turn in loops and circles as though my insides latched themselves onto a mental rollercoaster and had a field day in my middles. around in endless circles&loops, twists&turns. and if you think changes are bad imagine these memories and their impact. i ask him 'WHY?' i had to know. because he was suppose to be there to protect me and care for me. but instead... (maybe i ought not mention these things. these aren't the type of things you share with the world, or atleast that's what the cold women told me. she told me to keep my lips together and walk through the world with a little pride) i asked him. needed, wanted, longed to know. he said he didn't think of me as his sister at the time. he was out of control. he gave in. BUT THAT'S NOT ENOUGH i wanted him to tell me a good reason. i reason that would satisfy me, such as, "there was man behind me with a gun to my head saying i had to touch you so softly..." but it's ok i suppose. it's ok. it's ok. what an honest answer. attraction. plain and simple. lust. but then..., "you wouldn't have done that to any other girls?" because he was wholesome and respect- ful. or at least, from what i know, he is. he was shaking all over. i knew how miserable he felt to look back on this. a year feels like mountains ago. but i urge him to continue, his body shaking. i don't shake, instead i dig my nails into my thumbs until i feel them start to bleed. pain entangles me in comfort. "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?" he half shakingly yells. "what can i say, ellyn? that i didn't care about you? that i cared about you less? i don't know at all. but you just have to know how much i care about you now." something like that. he was shaking a lot and everything feels fuzzy from that night. like a big circle of ideas, a swirl of colours, blots and twists. and i think of these differences and the things we used to think were unspeakable. but now each one sneaks to the open, floats to the surface, and then crumbles each painful slit of broken that come down like rain. and now im bleeding and now im dying and you can't see because im hiding. these days are so awkward, i want to scream. 040202 ... unhinged how do respect and forgiveness coincide? 180702 what's it to you? who go blather from