redtree_innerviews_lostgirl redtree what is your earliest memory? 100421 ... lostgirl the earliest memory that i recall is more perceptive than visual. i am not certain exactly how old i was, though i can filter it with the age i was when we lived in the the teeny little house with that awesome green velvet chair. i was somewhere around 6 months old. maybe younger…my dad was holding me in his lap, staring at my face, looking just plain old punchy with love. i remember how it felt to be held in his strong arms, and how i grasped his pinky with my four tiny fingers and a thumb. i remember how he smelled, and the feel of that velvet chair when i touched it. it is a memory of unconditional love. i have always believed that we have the ability to choose our parents, and i have absolutely no doubt that i chose mine to be close to my dad. now don’t get me wrong, i love my mom….she is a wonderful person, and has been and continues to be a terrific mother. but my daddy….he was the center of my world as a child. my mentor as a young adult. my teacher in my chosen profession. my consultant in real adult life. in our case, the father-daughter bond transcends most normal relationships. i read somewhere recently that we all have ‘soul mates’ that are intimately connected with us, that need to be found in present time. i also learned that soul mates are not always romantic relationships—in fact most often they are not. they can be siblings, parents and friends as well as significant others and spouses. these soul mates are looking for us just as we are looking for them, and it is not an accident when we find each other. my dad is such a treasure. thanks for reminding me to remember that! 100422 ... rt what is it about the green velvet chair that makes you remember it? 100423 ... lostgirl perception linked with emotion. 100423 ... rt what are your impressions of elementary school? 100424 ... lostgirl although elementary school is meant to be the accepted means for teaching children, it has always seemed to me that it is the first step in taking away the individuality of a child by trying to "make them be" what they are "supposed to be." and have them learn what they are supposed to learn....etc. elementary school for me was not much more than a series of traumas, starting with the first grade teacher, (a nun no less!) who dumped my desk in the middle of the classroom because it was such a mess, onward to the disappointment surrounding not being "popular." round that all out with the fact that i started kindergarten at age 4 and then subsequently skipped the third grade because i was "gifted." it still sort of makes me wonder sometimes what they were all thinking, but i have been a better parent because of that whole experience. i watch the educational process of my own children very closely. incidentally, middle school and high school were so much better! when i could finally speak for myself, my individuality was much less of a struggle. 100424 ... rt tell me about your imagination as a child. 100424 ... lostgirl the original imagination paired with that impressionable age…when i think of this question, creative play comes to mind. i was very interested in art, whether it was painting, or creating little universes out of household items or making little books for the neighbor kid who was mentally challenged. a favorite pastime of mine was designing and drawing "future houses."funny how none of those designs came to fruition like i thought they might.... i never wanted to play with toys, was never a baby doll “mothering” type and despised playing dress up and “wedding” with the other little girls in the neighborhood. my best friends were all boys. i was such a tomboy, it drove my mother crazy. until i was 14, we lived in an area that was directly adjacent to woods and a creek, and we played outside winter and summer. the bigger the “adventure” the happier i was. we pretended we were wilderness people, and camped in tents, fished for crayfish and minnows, and cooked over pretend campfires, we played cowboys and indians, lost in space, and had elaborate war games where we hunted each other wearing full camo. 100426 ... rt describe yourself as a high school girl. 100427 ... lostgirl ah…..high school. well first of all, at the beginning i was so PAINFULLY shy, quiet to the point that most others thought i was a standoffish bitch. coping as we all do, i found a strong person to stand behind. thank goodness in middle school i was blessed with meeting and acquiring my best friend. she was as outgoing as i was backwards, so the long and short of it was that she led, i followed, and that’s how i ended up being somewhat “popular.” i would have never socially fit in like the show i put on was depicting. i'd have never chosen the other girls in our little clique as friends, and in fact, now that i look back, they were really not friends at all. i would have never tried out for cheerleading either. that was so not me.... in any case, these people were simply girls that i spent time with. friends are different. i stayed in the background and had the illusion of being in the foreground. it was perfect. they were the proverbial mean girls. i couldn’t hurt a fly….a mean girl i never was. perhaps because i was the victim of the mean girls in grade school…but the thing is, i didn’t really try to stop them either. i just stood down, like a freaking doormat. yikes. though i was part of this elite group, invited to all the best parties, always wearing the right clothes, etc, i never truly felt like i belonged there. i therefore stepped beyond this group of mean girls and ventured into other arenas. i made friends with kids from the mountains that i skied with, and with the diving, swimming and track teams i participated with. i also never really had a problem being alone. i loved to read and write even back then, and was always comfortable not having people around me at all times. i developed a sweet platonic friendship with my next door neighbor, rob, who was three years my senior. he played guitar and built fires in the backyard, and we at quiet sometimes, sometimes we talked and drank beer for hours. he was golden….such a good person, i still miss him….he moved my freshman year in college and we lost touch. in 9th grade i was forced to make the choice to stick with springboard diving as a sport. i had to give up cheerleading at that point, which threatened me socially, but it was the first time i took a stand and stood up for myself. diving took an immense amount of my time, and required year round commitment that was at least 3 hours a day. the cheer squad was more of a social crutch, but i was spreading too thin and actually was getting sick because of it. i couldn’t eat. my parents noticed it was a problem thank goodness. it was the best choice i could have made. i went to another high school from 4-7 each evening to be coached by a guy named jack. he was an amazing coach, even though we knew he smoked dope before practice. i think he liked to watch us do death defying tricks with a buzz on. there were 12 of us, a mixed group of guys and girls, from all different schools… and all of us were barely dressed, with wet hair and no make up. we weren’t able to impress each other. didn't need to. there was no peer pressure at the pool. we were just a close knit group with a common sport. no pressure was good with me. i finally fit in somewhere. i never really had any issues with grades in high school. in fact, i don’t recall studying. ever. but yet my class rank was good enough for me and for my parents. they didn’t pressure me to get straight a’s. i really actually didn’t give a rip about class work. i remember being so exhausted at 9 pm each night and going to bed without dinner. i was able to gain early acceptance to college however, and the second semester of my senior year was spent skipping the 29 days i was allowed to miss by law. all done with the blessing of my parents. though i was not out screwing around. i was working with my dad earning money for school. my parents had a code of ethics that was unspoken, and i was expected to act within those guidelines. i tried to comply for the most part, because i would never want to disappoint my dad. but i did push the envelope when i ventured out into areas where i was certain no one would report to him. that’s i guess where the partying started. i rebelled from being little miss perfect. since i started school at such an early age, i was the youngest in my class. i think i was right there with the kids i was hanging with as far as maturity went, however, i had no driver’s license when everyone else did. so, i was forced to tag along. it usually ended up with a party somewhere. i became well acquainted with various types of alcohol, but never did any drugs. we had some interesting weekends, and as a parent of teenagers now, i greatly fear that they will get into what i did at that age….its actually amazing we are all alive and free of criminal records. as far as the dating scene went, i was not involved. i liked one boy throughout high school, the proverbial bad boy, and he barely gave me a notice. i didn’t go to any homecoming dances, not even close. but i did manage to hit junior and senior prom. junior prom was a favor to a friend who had gotten dumped the week prior. that prom was a blast. senior prom, i was asked by the “boy of my dreams” that i had pined over for the bulk of the 4 years of high school. we were obviously not well matched, however at the blinded age of 17, he was ‘all that’. we went to the prom, and he spent not one minute with me there. he met a girl from another school that was someone else’s date, and they ended up in the bathroom in a locked stall. broke my heart for the first time….that prom was a crying nightmare. graduation was uneventful. it came. it went. i got a diploma. high school for me was just a stepping stone in the process of becoming who i am and who i didn’t want to be. it was an experience, but not necessarily the best time of my life. i know people who still today claim high school was the best time of their lives. ugh. i think there were many better than that, and hope there are many more to come. i still hear stories from time to time from people who either knew me or knew of me back then, and they tell me things that i don't even believe, like the boys that liked me that i didn't give the time of day. funny how i missed that part at the time?? high school was simply a method to get to college and beyond. and college on the other hand…..that could definitely be considered the most fun in my history book….. 100427 ... rt college fun? let's hear it! 100428 ... lostgirl was college fun? oh yes. it was a blast. but at the risk of boring you to tears, i cannot possibly just talk about the partying. i chose my college based upon its proximity to my home. i was definitely not ready, at 17 to venture too far out into the unknown. in fact, i had been accepted to a really good university just 15 minutes from home, and my parents did not permit me to acknowledge that acceptance….it was too close! so an hour and a half away i went, my best friend right at my side. we were rooming together! seriously i would not have been able to live with someone i didn’t know. not for a whole year. i don’t think my parents ever looked beyond the pre-med program to dig up the information of the “party school” status that this school had and continues to boast. funny that once i left, i never went home, unless they forced us to leave! i didn’t even tell my parents about parents weekend! it was our first taste of freedom! wooooohooooo! we actually danced for joy to live in a shoebox with a black rotary wall phone and two beds and two dressers. we shared a bathroom with the other 24 girls on the floor. another shocker for my parents was that there were BOYS living on our floor, their wing separated from our wing by a lounge and the elevators. we were safe though….even though we saw them half dressed most of the time, those guys never mixed with us girls in any way other than platonic friendships. they took really good care of us, and as a floor, we were quite tight in freshman year. i was enrolled in a vigorous pre-professional curriculum, and because my career choice involved a prerequisite program, not a degree program, in essence, my plan was to be there for two years, get finished, and get on to professional school. the first semester was filled with challenging courses, and along with the party schedule that was for all intents and purposes every night except Monday, i quickly got into trouble with my grades. i finished out the first semester on academic probation out of sheer laziness. college was a rude awakening for me with school work. wow, you actually had to study?? imagine such a thing. and go to class? hmmmmmm. big disappointment to the parents…i did clean up my act once diving started, because i had to maintain grades in order to participate. the first two years of college were wrought with firsts. i tried all sorts of new ways to party…none of which were continued for any duration thank goodness. towards the end of freshman year, i met my first love. one of those weird coincidences…..alignments of the stars, whatever that was, he was big for me. we were on a biology field trip for credit, down in Chincoteague, VA. we were on a bus, i was alone, and knew no one, so of course i was just sitting there quiet as a mouse reading. (and listening to the rowdy conversation of the frat boys behind me with some level of annoyance.) however, something caught my attention. the boy behind me was talking about choosing between two “familiar” professional schools. aha!! common ground. can you imagine that i turned around and struck up a conversation with him? and was he good looking….he had grey blue eyes, the curly longish hair, built like….well, you get the idea. in essence, we were inseparable that whole weekend. i got the first taste of the possibility of finally having a real boyfriend. we talked and talked, and kissed and kissed. he was a perfect gentleman and did not push for more. when we got back to school, i was anxious to tell my friends about him. was i in for a surprise….he was another bad boy! a drinker, a fighter, hazer in his fraternity, and worse than all that, committed in a relationship with someone else….while also being well known to screw around on the side. great….well, fate has a way of intervening i guess, because he “changed.” at least i thought he did. we dated for three years, in all, and even were committed to marriage down the road…. the only trouble was that he was a full year ahead of me, and that meant he was leaving school and moving on before me. trouble was on the way. he was insanely jealous of anyone who talked to me. he had people watching me! it was creepy….by holding so tight he was pushing me away. then, fate intervened again. i decided to stay a third year at college. since by doing so, i could concurrently complete my bachelors degree during my first year in professional school, it sounded like a win-win situation. and i ultimately decided on attending my dad’s alma mater instead of my boyfriend’s school. that cemented the of the end of that relationship for good. that third year at school was nuts. i had last choice for housing because i decided at the last minute to return. i found an apartment with orange shag carpet and green kitchen appliances. it was above a subway and a pizza joint and a china palace. i lived alone….with the roaches that is. that was absolutely the grossest living arrangements that i could imagine. disgusting!! and it was in the worst section of town. thankfully, i became friends with the two guys living in the apartment across the hall from me, because they were 300 pound football players that looked out for me. i was always able to call them if i was coming home after dark, and they would meet me in the stairwell. i am still amazed that my parents allowed me to live like this. i learned so much more than class work during this time of my life. i learned that i loved english and literature as much as the basic sciences. i loved journalism and creative writing, as well, and those extra course have helped me tremendously. i also learned responsibility to the nth degree, and the fact that responsibility could not only be learned but also applied successfully just as much as irresponsibility could wreak havoc. i learned how to love and be loved, and had a better idea of what kind of guy might be the “right” one. one of the bad things about college was that i started smoking cigarettes. i succumbed to this habit via peer pressure, and i was the only one that got hooked. it took a long time to get over that addiction. at the end of those three years, i was educated and ready to move on. i had socially climbed out of the necessity for standing behind my friends, and was more than willing to go on my own halfway across the country to iowa, where the next chapter began….. 100429 what's it to you? who go blather from