earning amy in red well, yes, it would be good to earn a paycheck as well as be given money. with two caveats: the paycheck would need be value-laden, and not value-less (or worse, in the red as far as long-term moral or ethical value goes) when one regresses (for whatever reason) it is good to be given stuff -like teachings and skills- stuff that is or could turn into treasure (& which is not free) to get to the appropriate level. i guess there is a belief that people regress in order to be given stuff. nah, i don't buy it, regressive instincts to me to be fairly complex reactions to, i don't know, whatever they are reactions to. it wouldn't be a regression if it were an advancement somehow. is losing disability, despite the possible-no-win risk-taking behavior that the top-a-grand, lose-your-whole-check policy that otherwise discourages productivity at my hourly worth. in a culture that denies disability to people that really need it a bunch, it seems lame for me to not try to go for it even though my karma (or whatever) is still attracting flies which can build into subconscious enmity-revenge-entitlement-non-accountability scenarios which, in a dark time of year at an eclipse around people who recognize the scapegoat in me (alas, i'm such a trooper) inevitably just pushes me over and i totally lose my mind completely and feel so much better afterwards but technically that was a foul, i'm still sick, i guess, i don't know if i feel better now i think that was advancement, right? i won't take the disability & i'll push, but i won't stop reminding others that, no please don't hit "see her again in her old guise since i so-missed-out" when it comes to that point because you know what? that's pretty unfair to me, because somewhere in my superconscious i suspect exactly what's happening, and that's when i go bloody murder. if i've ever done that see-you-once, see-you-twice thing on people feel free to give me a "few bucks" and tell me to leave. i think it might be true that unconscious *yearning* can't be blamed but there is not much ground for a close relationship there. too much memory for person A, not enough for B, B steals memory from A! A, of course, loses. i completely hate that stuff now. if you see me doing it, don't let me. i promise that i will faithfully get some stuff accomplished and keep it real with the boundaries. as for "sympathy for the devil" theme i otherwise have going, it is also very maddening, but it is an order of magnitude more tolerable than this variety of unfairness. what the earning/receiving money issue has to do with the interpersonal one, i don't know, maybe i just don't like "freedom" or my country or something and i just need to turn everything off and do my best to forget my own personal issues, it's possible they are only that: issues, and not problems, it's just that awareness tends to rachet them up a little. so, ok, go on a trip, on a journey, forget, forget, forget. 120203 what's it to you? who go blather from