firsts jane i can now tell you about the beginning of the experience. it's the first time a friend of mine has died. S called me within the last hour to tell me that Sam was dead. he hadn't shown up for work tonight, and that wasn't like him. S's first instinct was to think that he had committed suicide. his second instinct was that same was in jail, and refute the suicide theory because he was making plans to see his daughter graduate navy boot camp at the end of September, which is less than a month away. next thing i know S calls me to tell me Sam is dead. he doesn't know how, just that he got a call from Sam's ex-wife. now i know he died in his sleep. and now_i_know what people say about treating everybody as if it's the last time you see them. the last time i saw Sam was 12 days ago. Sam had invited us over for barbecue. we ate and talked; his daughter had movies on. the food was incredible. i tried to pace myself but ended up feeling faint, and felt frustrated by that. S offered to drive me home, i offered for them to hang out at my house, S said maybe next time. well now there won't be a next time, and i do feel guilt for that. maybe if my stupid body hadn't given up on me, the last time i saw Sam wouldn't have ended so stupidly. we both loved him. he was a good man. his daughters are in my thoughts. 100831 what's it to you? who go blather from