i_dreamt_that_i_dreamt_18
unhinged gavin woke up startled, lilly shaking him. 'gavin...gavin. wake up.' there was a hint of amusement in her voice with a strong undercurrent of sadness.

he looked around and noticed he had fallen asleep on the overpass above the beach. coltrane had curled up next to him. lilly reached out and grabbed his face in her hand as gavin came back to awake.

'you said you wanted to be alone,' he mumbled.

'yeah, i did. thanks.' lilly pulled his face close to her and pressed her lips to his. trane jumped up, whacked lilly in the chin, and licked both of them square in the mouth. they both laughed.

'sometimes i can't get over how much he likes you.' gavin reached out and lilly helped him stand up.

'in my experience, it's always good to be in with the dog.' lilly reached for gavin's hand.

'what happened today lil?'

she squeezed his hand. 'to state the obvious, i'm still sad about my gram.'

'i know but....'

'but i was crying during sex because,' she coughed and scratched her nose like she always did when she was nervous. 'because when i was in college i got drunk and some guy raped my virginity away from me.'

'and us having sex reminded you of that?' gavin's voice cracked with hysteria. trane stopped walking to watch them.

lilly looked at her feet. 'no gavin. not US. just...having sex reminds me of that. especially when i'm sad.' lilly stopped walking and pulled gavin to a stop also. trane hovered between him, alert, his tail wagging in protection mode.

gavin grabbed lilly's waist, searching her face for any clue. 'so you don't want me to touch you when you're sad?'

'no, no no,' lilly shook her head in confusion. 'it's just that...before i met you i really hadn't had the best physical relationships. i mean for christ's sake, my parents....' gavin pulled her close in a big hug, trane stuck in between them.

'i'm sorry gavin.'

'what for?'

'that i'm so damaged. that i....need you.'

gavin tilted her chin up to look in her eyes. 'you remember the night we met?'

she nodded. 'of course.'

'i hardly ever go in that place. for some reason, that night i decided i'd stop in. for the first time in like months and there you were drowning in whiskey. do you remember my house when you first moved in? do you remember how scruffy poor trane was?'

'yeah, i remember how long it took me to scrub your house.'

'you aren't the only damaged one lilly. you aren't the only one that needs someone. i'm human too. i'm not superman or anything. why don't we go home?' 		080128
...
c r 0 w l gavin took lilly's soft white hand in his, interlocking his large fingers with her little ones, a tight, warm fit. he held his skateboard, wheels out, under his left arm. coltrane scampered slightly ahead of them, his bushy tail straight up like a flag proclaiming victory. she squeezed his palm affectionately and he returned the tender gesture of love. he was so relieved and indescribably happy that she came back to him. he thought of dennis' negative words on the phone and realized how wrong he was. maybe the whole adventure with him was wrong, gavin thought. suddenly remembering his strange dream about ruth, he turned to look over at lilly as they crossed the narrow freeway overpass. the offshore breeze blew her long, chestnut hair straight back from her face revealing simple silver hoop earrings. her high-boned cheeks were slightly blushed. he swallowed the acid in his throat and slowly shook his head. i'm such a fucking idiot, he said to himself.

"you're so beautiful," gavin said, declaring his simple, but obvious observation. lilly smiled without showing her teeth and met his gaze for a moment and then shyly looked away. she never knew what to do with a compliment. just then he came up with a great idea to surprise her.

as they arrived at the end of the bridge, lilly began turning left to take the usual shortcut back to the house, but gavin stopped her abruptly.
"let's go into the village," he said, pulling her back next to him.

"why?" lilly whined. she had her own surprise plans. corduroy lines creased across her furrowed brow. she impishly pouted a mild objection. coltrane turned around and sat next to lilly straining against her side begging for attention, tail beating the asphalt.

"well...first of all...just look at you," gavin said, letting go of her hand. "you lost your shoes!" he lifted one eyebrow and pointed to her feet.

lilly grinned sheepishly and wiggled her bare toes.
"but...i can't go without shoes..."

"wear mine," gavin said, stepping out of his leather flip flops. lilly giggled and tried them on. they were slightly big, yet they would work.

"what about you now?" lilly asked, petting coltrane on the head. he licked her hand.

gavin dropped his skateboard, jumped on, and boldly pushed into the sidewalk in front of them, easily ten feet away. "i'll ride!" he yelled, his words following behind him.

lilly, arms out like a bird, chased after him while coltrane barked excitedly, her new shoes slapping the concrete. gavin pushed on and then circled around her. she reached out to grab him but he kept out of her grasp by inches. lilly's giggles increased and her hair flew about in every direction.

"gavin!" she shouted. "stop!" coltrane barked louder and leapt up on lilly's waist.

"sorry, what did you say?" he pushed a bit farther away as they entered the village. another couple walking arm in arm past parked cars and tidy storefronts hesitated as if they were worried gavin was going to hit them. the girl also seemed frightened of coltrane.

"come on, trane!" gavin yelled. he obeyed and followed. gavin did a smooth 360 and then waited for the couple to pass. the man threw him a dirty look. lilly put her hand against her mouth to stifle a laugh. removing it, she mouthed, "you're such a show off!" 		080128
...
c r 0 w l gavin skidded to a stop in front of the flower shoppe scattering a pair of seagulls that were scavenging at a food wrapper at the street's edge. he casually flipped the board up and caught it with his left hand. "stay," he ordered coltrane and the dog protestingly dropped both tail and ears and sat down on the antique brick landing next to a large terracotta pot with a healthy, shiny-leafed, emerald green ficus. lilly, coming up behind, folded her arms, cocked hips and heads to one side and waited for gavin's next surprising move. "after you, miss..." he said, dramatically bowing. he pulled open the heavy glass paned door like the porter of a grand hotel. a light tingling of bells ensued. she nodded her head with mock gratitude, curtsied, quickly stuck her tongue out and entered.

the floral bouquet hit them both like a wave and immediately lilly's senses heightened. she felt a warmth spread over her as gavin once more reached for her hand and led her in. she recognized a mozart piece coupled with the soothing tinkle of a marble fountain swirling softly in the background that instantly spoke elegance and taste. they stepped slowly upon the combination of persian rugs and worn wooden floors like strangers in a strange land discovering wonder for the first time. light, color, texture, smell, and sound joined together and enveloped them. they stopped in admiration of it all, touching velvety petals, leaning in to uncover hidden scents, marveling at the intricate kaleidoscope of blooms with names they couldn't even pronounce.

"hello," a pleasantly plump, middle-aged woman said approaching them, holding a tin watering can in one hand. she had a rainbow-colored scarf tied around her head and bright yellow crocs on her feet. "may i help you with something?" 		080130
...
unhinged 'actually my girlfriend has been really sad lately. her gram died. i want to cheer her up.' lilly had wandered away from gavin's side and was scoping out the flowers and greens that were not in the refrigerated cases. she stopped in front of some yellow snapdragons.

'oh that's very sad dear. i think flowers are the best medicine next to homecooked food.' she grabbed gavin's hand and gave him a warm motherly smile. 'it looks like she's drawn to the spring flowers. i'll make a bouquet up for you.'

'well.....ok.' gavin bit his lip and started looking for his wallet.

the shop owner glided over to the area lilly was looking around in. in five minutes a beautiful pastel bouquet of different stalks budding little blooms and tulips and hydrangeas and some pretty green leaves appeared in the lady's hands.

'wow. that's really beautiful. it makes me want to go home and paint.'

'you paint dear?'

'yes. i especially like flowers and other organic stuff. i do a sort of 'blurry microscope' thing with the organic stuff i paint.'

'oh my. where you selling your paintings at a corner store a couple weeks ago?'

'yeah....yeah, i was.'

'my husband bought me a very beautiful painting of the underside of a deep red rose that day. i was thinking of bringing it in to hang up in the shop. dear, you are very talented.'

'god, that's so cool. thanks.'

gavin came up behind lilly just in time to overhear the end of the conversation. 'see lil. i told you. i remember that rose. that was an especially good one.'

'yeah, i kinda didn't want to sell it. i kept it until most of the other ones were gone and i couldn't hide it from the people that were looking through the canvases anymore.'

gavin glanced at the placards on all the containers and then at the bouquet. he bit his lip again. the shop owner caught his worried expression and gave him a conspiratorial wink.

'follow me so i can wrap these for you. really, bouquets look the prettiest when they are wrapped correctly. usually, i don't get to see the smile on the recipients face. or meet the artist that painted the painting that i still haven't found a spot to hang. what a doubly nice treat today.' she grabbed lilly's shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

'what's your name?' lilly asked the store owner.

'nancy.' she pulled some complimentary colored tissue and wax papers from the rolls near the counter and expertly wrapped up the flowers.

'oh nancy. you're right. they do look even prettier now somehow.' lilly's eyes got wide like a childs checking out the pretty present gavin was about to buy for her.

gavin shook his head and reached for his wallet again. lilly sure was moody but at her best, everything was like the first time to her. 'how much?'

nancy punched some buttons on the old fashioned register. 'well, i was about to put these flowers on sale anyways because they've been in the store for awhile. and lilly needs some inspiration for the rest of her paintings i want to hang in here. $20.'

'no way.' lilly and gavin both said simultaneously. nancy flashed a devilish grin at both of them.

'yes way. take a look around. i have all kinds of empty walls. and to say the paintings are of flowers from my store would be a wonderful advertisement don't you think?'

'yes. totally. maybe we could do some different seasonal flowers.'

'well, i am about to close my store. why don't you come back tomorrow? your dog also looks antsy out there.' lilly and gavin turned to the door to see coltrane's face pressed against the glass.

'thank you so much nancy. i will be sure to come by tomorrow.' 		080130
...
c r 0 w l gavin pulled open the door for lilly who had her nose buried in the gift, both hands gripping it with obvious satisfaction. this was the kind of face gavin loved to see her make. he turned and waved to nancy before they left the shoppe. he could hear coltrane whining impatiently from the outside. "thank you again!" he called out. "have a nice evening."

"good night!" she replied. the experience with lilly and gavin, which had become the highlight of her busy, lucrative day would become the one memory she played over in her mind as she rode the crowded freeway back home and would be the first thing she would detail to her husband when she returned to their cliffside, spanish-style house overlooking the sea. he would share her excitement and encourage her to hire lilly to do a whole series of works to decorate the shoppe. after that, she would immediately enter their book-lined den with its cozy fire and well worn leather couches and once more admire lilly's rose painting where it hung temporarily between a bay window full of geraniums and an antique brass floor lamp. she would carefully remove it, delicately cover it in bubble wrap and parchment paper and then carry it to the garage. popping open the trunk of her lexus, she would set it down like a prized orchid where she would take it back to the shoppe the following day. for now, she sighed, watched them leave, and for a moment remembered herself young and in love.

coltrane wagged his tail with abandon and stood up on his back paws in an attempt to see what lilly was treasuring, hoping it was something he could eat. gavin told him to get down.

"wow..." he said, gently dropping his skateboard to the sidewalk. "that lady was very cool."

"yeah, and she didn't even care that you were barefoot." lilly added, giggling. she had become deliriously happy. studying the selection of flowers in the bouquet, she was already thinking of ideas for a new painting. coltrane obeyed his orders and trotted proudly alongside her purposely avoiding gavin.

gavin chuckled and jumped on his board. he pushed away from lilly and did a 180 as he hopped the curb. he turned back to her, flipped the board up into his hands and walked along side her. his feet were roughly calloused from walking the low tide rocks during surf sessions.

"do you actually realize what it could mean having your paintings hanging in that flower shoppe?" gavin asked. lilly, thrilled by gavin's positive reaction, raised her eyebrows but didn't say anything, however as he continued to bubble over, she couldn't help break into a toothy grin thinking of the various possibilities. "i just love how this has all happened. she buys a painting from you...you don't even know who she is...and now you meet her again and she wants to have you do more work...i mean all kinds of snoots come in there. you never know who..."

suddenly gavin's phone rang. they both stopped walking. coltrane sat down and scratched. gavin set his board down and pulled his phone out and checked the caller i.d. he didn't know it, but it was a los angeles area code.

"who is it?" lilly asked.
"i don't know the number," he said, slipping the phone back in his pocket. he picked his board back up and kept walking. lilly joined him. coltrane kept itching and gavin whistled for him. his ears rose and he followed.
"i think i have an idea for a new painting for nancy," lilly said, breaking the unexpected silence. she tried to restore the simple happiness they were sharing.
"oh yeah?" gavin remarked, but he barely heard her, hearing instead the beep of his voice mail. a mixture of curiosity and discomfort burned in his gut. he had an uneasy feeling it was the one someone he must not even think of ever talking to, let alone seeing again. "hold on," he said, cradling the board under one arm. he retrieved the phone, flipped it open and checked the message:

"hey gavin. this is ruth. call me."

lilly watched gavin's face. she was shocked at how quickly it lost its color going with lightning speed from ruddy tan to pale white. she felt a paranoid tightness clutching at her throat. "who was it?"

"some fucking telemarketer," gavin said, slamming the phone shut. 		080130
...
unhinged 'gavin you are full of shit. that wasn't a telemarketer. you're white as a ghost now. just tell me.'

gavin let out a ragged sigh and started shaking his head. coltrane headbutted him into lilly.

'see. even trane thinks you should tell me. good boy trane. good boy.' lilly gave him a vigorous scratch behind both ears. 'gavin seriously, what's wrong?'

'you really wanna know? you are gonna hate me.' gavin jumped on his board and jetted ahead of lilly and coltrane. coltrane ran after him.

'i'm not going to hate you. you just bought me the prettiest flowers ever. come back.'

gavin stopped and turned towards her. 'remember the adventure i had while you were gone?'

'yeah....'

'well there was this couple there. the girl kept eyeing me up.'

'where you eyeing her back?'

'no, no.' gavin shook his head vehemently. 'but we were all at dennis' house out in the middle of nowhere sitting around a fire, smoking and drinking and stuff. maybe, i guess she could have thought i was eyeing her. i mean i told them. i told them all about you. and stuff.'

'gavin....'

gavin inhaled sharply. 'dennis has a bunch of guest rooms. he showed me where i was going to sleep. eventually, ruth came in my room and...'

'AND....'

'i told her to go away. i swear. i didn't give her my phone number. i SWEAR.' lilly buried her face in her flowers. 'lilly, you're mad at me.'

'no, i'm not. let me see your phone.' 		080130
...
c r 0 w l gavin's heart throbbed as if he was being hunted and chased then tackled to the ground, filling his face with the heat of embarrassment and shame. his breath was trapped in his lungs and it forcibly hurt to take a new breath. light-headed and blank, he found a bench and plopped down, tossing his board to the side like a piece of trash. it crashed hollowly like his own soul, one wheel spining and spinning until it stopped lifelessly. lilly sat down next to him expectantly. "come on gavin," she urged. "give me the phone."

coltrane crawled underneath, turned around three times and laid down, head on paws. a toothless old man sipping from a styrofoam cup of coffee shuffled past, gnarled toes poking through the hole in one shoe.

gavin took a deep breath, pressed his feet into the warm bricks of the sidewalk and dug the phone out of his pocket. he flipped the lid up and produced ruth's number. "i'll put it on speaker," he said, pressing the tiny button on the side. his thumb trembled. lilly tried to grab it away from him, but gavin, with the phone to his ear, turned his shoulder away from her.

"gavin!" lilly yelled. he was alarmed by the near panic in her tone.

ruth picked up after one ring. "hello?" her voice sounded tinny and strange. lilly set the bouquet down on the bench and pressed firmly up against gavin as held the phone in the turbulent air between them.

"hey, this is gavin. i just got your message." he pictured himself a mouse when the cat has caught it and is deciding what to do with it. but i didn't do anything, he reasoned to himself. yet why was he feeling so convicted? he knew why.

"oh yeah," ruth said, "how's it going?"

"good," gavin said, swallowing hard. he pressed his lips together. he could feel the blood pulsing at his temples and then something else, as if his insides were being pulled apart.

"hey, um, the reason i'm calling...um, jeremiah and i are having a surprise birthday party for dennis this week-end and we wanted to know if you and your girlfriend wanted to come?"

gavin couldn't speak. his eyes, drawn by the magnet of lilly locked into her narrowed gaze. he didn't know what he saw in them. calculation? suspicion? she seemed to be blank like a cloudless sky, but then he wondered if it was just that he had erased everything. the silence was awkwardly long.

"hello?" ruth said, punctuating it. lilly hunched her shoulders waiting for gavin to respond. 		080131
...
unhinged 'well....' and then lilly elbowed him and nodded her head. gavin's brow wrinkled in confusion. 'maybe that would be a good idea.' lilly started to nod in even more obvious agreement.

'that's awesome. dennis can't stop talking about you. i'm sure we all will have a great time. this saturday at dennis' place at 7pm?'

'wait, you are having a surprise party for him at his house?'

'of course. his house is our house. and he's going to be in the city til around 8 anyways. we'll see both of you then.'

'bye ruth.'

'bye gavin.' click. the phone snapped shut with a flick of gavin's wrist. lilly got up, picked up the flowers, and started walking towards home.

'lilly?'

'i need to paint. come on. let's get home.' once again gavin was left in lilly and trane's dust. he hopped on his board and scooted up to them.

'why do you want to go to that party?'

'i want to meet the girl my boyfriend's been fantasizing about.'

'lilly! that's not fair...'

'no, it probably isn't. it's also not fair that i'm obsessively monogamous. which isn't your fault gavin. i have resigned myself to the fact that guys just naturally wander. you didn't....did you?'

gavin grabbed her arm and pulled her to a stop. 'lilly, i pushed her away. i kicked her out of my room. but you are right, i have been fantasizing about her. but i felt guilty just thinking about her. that's why i didn't really tell you. i don't know. damn.'

'she snuck in your room and tried to get on you. why wouldn't you fantasize about that? i mean of course i'm jealous of that. the timing of it doesn't really help either, but all of that said i feel better somehow knowing about it. i especially most of all don't like secrets gavin.'

'yeah i noticed. i remember the surprise picnic debacle.'

lilly laughed unexpectedly. 'yeah. exactly. i gotta know things. i gotta plan things. moving in with you is about all i can handle in the secrets/surprises department for at least 12 months.'

'ok. ok. duly noted. but....i felt like i cheated on you anyways lil. i didn't DO anything, but....'

'you wanted to. because you're a guy. that stereotype exists for a reason you know. that's why i want to meet this chick. i want to know. because i have to know.' lilly grabbed his hand again but wouldn't look him in the face. 'for now, i need to be done talking about this. for now, i need to paint.'

'alright. sorry i made your bad day even worse.'

'like i said, i feel better somehow because you told me. but, done talking about it now.' they walked in silence the rest of the way home.

when they got home, lilly arranged her flowers in a vase and took them upstairs to her workroom. gavin fell asleep alone waiting for her to stop painting. 		080201
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