i_dreamt_that_i_dreamt_30 cr0wl lilly knew very little about gavin's parents, using her sallow lack of knowledge as an unintentional, (or was it intentional?) mechanism to mask the tragic loss of her own. she never asked him questions or engaged him in any of her raging curiosities, choosing instead to wipe the sweat from her face and glean what interpretation she could from the snippets of jovial conversation she managed to luckily gather from lazidasical eavesdropping sessions when he chatted with his mom and dad. she knew his father liked spanish rioja, french new wave films, and talking existenialist philosophy and his mother always shopped at banana republic, preferred vine-ripened tomatoes, and new york times best sellers. among other things. as gavin filled the old blue saab's gas tank, hearing the expensive fluid slosh inside like amniotic water in her belly, lilly thought about how her parents would react to the news of her engagement and god forbid she tell them about the pregnancy. it was hard for her to see past the crime. still bodies, unmoving as dead fish, laying in pools of generous blood. still, she couldn't help but hope gavin's mother could become even a ghost of what her mother was. she shook her head quietly,eyes blinking, wishing she were in her studio. she turned back in the seat of the car and watched gavin. her hair, freshly shampooed with a deliciously-smelling product she found at the local whole foods, cascaded across her bare arm to the sun-faded vinyl. the light was her friend as usual, accenting her beauty with nuanced shadows. she smiled to herself and even made a small gasp that no one could hear. an evocation of present moment happiness, bringing her paintings to life with shape, color, and breath. we're not just magic dust, she thought. we are flesh and blood and bone, and movement. she had more than his baby inside of her. it was his seed growing into a whole new version of what they as three would become. they were on their way to the hills near carpenteria, where gavin grew up. it was a small working farm near the pacific that gavin's dad baeroun ran an even smaller business out of. he simply used fieldstone and beach rock to make gardens for the elite of montecito, santa barbara and goleta. other than that they raised food, milked goats, collected eggs, spun honey, and grew wheatgrass. she sighed. it felt good to be out of dennis browne's presence for a while. she enjoyed the money, secretly enjoying spending boatloads of it on fanciful lingerie, but the man himself, and his wandering eye was wearing her down. she knew what he wanted ultimately from her and it was grossing her out the more she thought about it. gavin closed the cover to the gas tank and then returned to his seat. lilly smelled the air of his wake. gasoline and a hint of cinnamon and always earth. gavin looked at her. she sucked him into the liquid pools of amber coziness. "what?" he asked. 080824 ... unhinged 'i love you.' gavin grabbed her hand. 'i love you too.' he squeezed it and she grasped his hand tight. they drove awhile in silence. she wanted to tell him about the baby. she just knew, but she had no medical proof. it had only been a couple of weeks, no missed period. but she was starting to wake up queasy. she could feel roots where there had only been whispers. she disentangled their hands and pressed her belly. 'are you ok lil?' gavin took his eyes off the road to look at her. 'yeah, sure. i just feel a little sick is all.' she didn't know for sure so she didn't say. lilly knew gavin. he would tell his parents. what if her sickness was just psychosomatic? what if there was no baby? a strong wave of sickness smacked her in the face. 'pull over.' 'what?' 'gavin, pull over. i'm gonna be sick.' the country roads didn't have space to pull over. gavin sped up. 'hurry.' tight lipped, he drove to the next cross street and stopped abruptly. lilly jumped out of the car and knelt at the ditch on the side of the road. even in his concern, gavin felt joy creep up into his throat. was that dream of a couple weeks ago a prophecy of sorts? lilly had seemed quieter than usual, like something was on her mind. thoughts of a family raced through his head. maybe they needed to get married at the courthouse. lilly got back in the car decidedly greener. 'lil?' 'i get motion sickness sometimes. how much longer?' 'everything will be ok. we'll be there in like 15.' 080825 ... cr0wl dennis browne coughed once and cleared his throat. he was standing on a stage of polished wood and leaning comfortably into the sleek, minimalistic podium at MOCA's geffen contemporary art museum, speaking on behalf of the upcoming emerging artists'series. beside him was an easel containing one of lilly's paintings. he looked out to the packed audience, many of them sickly wealthy collectors. others were art critics, journalists, professors, and even a handful of celebrities. he blinked in the light of camera flash. "ok," he said, as if he was continuing a thought he had begun and then had been interrupted by a more pressing thought within his spiraling subconscious. during his presentation of lilly's paintings he was struck by the vision of her discovering the flowers he had left for her with the note of his apology. dennis was used to getting what he wanted. he wanted lilly. her art for him was a doorway to a world he felt like he lived in. each work she completed was a piece in the mosaic his life was forming before him. he explained this to the crowd and they snorted it like coke. "notice the open door of the state police car," dennis said pointing to it on the canvas. the image of him doing it was transferred to a large, high definition screen above them. "you can almost hear the hiss and buzz of the dispatcher." he lifted his right arm and ran his fingers through the scratchiness of a one day's beard growth. "does anyone know about this scene? about what's going on here?" a question from the audience. dennis faced the crowd again. he closed his eyes for a moment and the screen of his soul was filled with lilly's face. the nose scrunch she makes when she's happy. he opened his eyes, wet his lips, and spoke. "lilly is definately pulling from incidence. her paintings tell the story of a dream within a dream." as the presentation continued, twelve of lilly's paintings, which were removed from her house without her knowing it, were discussed. after the show, all twelve had interested buyers. 080830 ... unhinged lilly's phone rang. she dug in her purse and a flash of pain in her head and stomach brought her dangerously close to heaving again. she finally got her hands on it and silenced it without looking. 'lil? really, you look sick.' she propped her head on her right hand and shut her eyes. 'are we almost there?' 'actually, here we are.' gavin turned into the gravel drive that wound around to the house through the fields where the goats grazed, the bees made their honey. lilly tried to open one eye and a crooked smile crossed her lips as two kid goats head butted each other playfully mocking the adult males. 'goats...' but she couldn't say another word as more bile crawled up her throat. gavin drove up to the makeshift parking area. 'lilly, you are scaring me. you've never got this sick in the car before. is it because....?' she looked to see the nervous caring up-through-the-eyelashes look gavin gave her when he was afraid to say what he wanted and her heart flopped over. 'well, i am nervous about meeting your parents. the whole farm thing has kinda been freaking me out. but that's not why i'm sick...' 'i can't take this lilly. you've been weird for weeks. what's up?' lilly bit her lip and started to pick at the fingernail on her left pointer finger. she finally looked him in the face and the tortured concerned look on his face loosed her tongue. 'i think i'm pregnant.' gavin's face erupted into a huge smile. 'really? i had a dream; i was kinda hoping that's what was 'wrong.' his smile narrowed to a sheepish grin. tears sprung to her eyes before she could stop them. 'really really? you want to have a baby with me? i mean i didn't take a test yet but,' she pressed her hand to her belly. 'i can feel it.' he reached out to hold her face in his hand. he smudged the tear away with his thumb. 'oh lilly. i want to spend the rest of my life with you. i want to make a house full of love babies with you.' tears were streaming down her face. 'don't cry mama. please. don't cry.' lilly clutched his arm with both hands and pressed his hand into her cheek. 'i can't help it. you are like a dream to me. a dream i thought would never come true.' she sniffled and then suddenly got out of the car and spewed her now empty stomach onto the gravel. gavin ran to her side. 'see, we are so disgusting together even i can't take it.' he knelt down beside her and rubbed her back. they looked up to see his parents walking down the path. 'don't tell them. i'm not sure. don't say anything.' 080904 ... cr0wl after the thorough and exhausting presentation of lilly's work, dennis browne, still surrounded by a tightening circle of attendees clamoring for his attention, fielded a question from a young and eager journalist rep announcing her position as associate editor with the art magazine, frieze. dennis heard her fascinating inquiry and paused. sometimes it only takes a moment for a vision to take root. dennis found his mind whirling with sudden possibility. "come with me," dennis said, making a second's eye contact and taking the woman off guard. she pushed her designer spectacles up the bridge of her nose and blushed slightly. the group was abruptly quieted by dennis' sudden move and respectfully parted to let her out as dennis pushed past them. the frieze rep shut her leather bound notes, shoved her blackberry in her purse, and followed him, her moderate heels clicking along a spanish tile hallway to a private, glass-enclosed office. dennis opened the door for her and she walked in thanking him. he could smell her flowery perfume but it did nothing for him except cause him to think more of lilly. for several weeks now he had racked his brain for a way, any way, to get her alone with him where they would, for business purposes, have to travel together. "please sit down," he said, closing the door. it barely made a sound. she sat at a slick, steel table and dennis joined her, taking a seat across from her. original art hung from the adjoining walls. ambient music was pumped into the room along with the air conditioning. dennis pressed his feet with firm resolution into the berber carpet. "i find your idea tempting to be sure," he continued, tugging at the grisled scruff of his chin. "how serious are you?" "completely serious," the woman said. she fingered her salon cut hair. two silver bangles jingled at her wrist. "the 2008 frieze art fair is in london this october. i think lilly's work would definitely be considered for admission. could we call her right now?" dennis removed his phone from the breast pocket of his black suit. "i'll call." he pressed lilly's name and it rang once followed by her voice mail. dennis rolled his eyes at the rep. she pursed her lips in disappointment. he listened to the sound of her brief request to leave a message, matching it with the image she had long ago painted upon the canvas of his longing. "fuck," he murmured to himself. he snapped his phone shut and sighed. 080908 ... unhinged gavin's parents reached their parked car with lilly still stooped over, gavin rubbing her back. marcy gave baeroun a knowing look. 'gavin, this must be lilly. are you alright dear?' lilly stood up and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. baeroun took a cloth hankerchief out of his pocket and handed it to her. lilly took it shyly, wiping her hands and patting the corners of her mouth. 'i just get motion sickness sometimes.' she looked out on the farm. 'your farm is beautiful. it reminds me of where i grew up a little.' marcy grabbed lilly's arm and locked elbows with her. 'yes, gavin told me a little about that dear.' marcy led lilly up the path to the house. baeroun pulled gavin aside, allowing marcy and lilly to go ahead. 'she's a vision son. why didn't you bring the pup?' gavin sheepishly kicked the gravel and squinted up at his dad. 'i know i haven't been home in a long time dad. i....' baeroun grabbed his son, one arm around gavin's shoulder, and pulled him in. 'family is a strange thing. we are thrown together by fate, and sometimes different as different can be. you had to go out there. i understand. but i missed you and worried about you. i am not so worried anymore. you two are made for each other.' gavin was taken aback by his father's uncharacteristic show of emotion. appropriate words wouldn't come to his lips. his dad just squeezed him. 'let's walk to the garden. i've started getting it ready since your email. but maybe you need to get married soon?' gavin's head shot up. 'what do you mean?' 'motion sickness my foot. morning sickness seemed more like it. if i were you, that girl would get no rest from me.' 'dad!' 'so what did gavin tell you?' 'you sound offended. i'm his mother after all. he's been gushing about you ever since he met you.' lilly pulled away a little to look at marcy. 'i'm sorry. it's not that. i've been having some troubles with my agent. and farms stir up memories...' marcy pulled her back close. 'of course they do. call me marcy by the way. would you like some ginger tea to settle your stomach?' 'yes, that would be nice.' they rounded the path and came in view of the house. lilly burst into a smile. 'ooooh. gavin makes so much more sense to me now.' marcy laughed happily in response. they stopped for a moment to enjoy the view of their beachside cottage. 'thank you for bringing our son back to us. i know we just met, but you already feel like all i've wished for for him. you will be happy together. i can tell.' marcy reached over and patted lilly's stomach and winked. 080909 ... crOwl "what do we do now?" the frieze magazine rep asked. she tried to appear frumpy in a coquettish kind of way. she crossed her stocking legs and straightened out her new fall line banana republic skirt. dennis browne's mind was miles and moments ahead of her. he was a thief that stole other people's lives. "we'll just go and see her in her studio. she's always there painting." he dipped his own brush into a jar of black and white lies. setting it to the blank canvas, he designed the perfect scene where he could not be hurt. "where does she live?" "in the foothills on cedar st," dennis said. "come on, i'm sorry, i forgot your name?" "oh, lynn." "lynn?" dennis stopped. "that is a derivative of lion. are you a leo?" "i am," lynn said, proudly. dennis smiled. i know leos quite well, he thought. he opened the door for her and inhaled her perfume as she passed by him. this time he did not think of lilly. he drove her in his black mini cooper with the two white racing stripes past the state beach, past the great stacks of driftwood from the recent storms and the now tranquil pacific ocean. they talked about lilly's troubled past and how it influenced her art. about the magnus opus painting she was supposedly working on that was 6' x 8.' lynn was dying to see it. when they pulled into the driveway, a seagull cried piercingly and flew off from where it had been scavenging at the metal trash can. dennis led her past a tightly trimmed privet hedge and lilly's oveflowing flower garden of black-eyed susans, nasturium and lantana. up the wooden steps to the porch where a few of trane's chew toys lay frayed and spit-dried. their footsteps creaked on the painted floorboards. dennis opened the screendoor and then pounded on the closed main door. lynn looked at the mailbox. there were envelopes sticking out of it. no one seemed to be home. lynn began to frown. dennis looked at her unaware. he drank her like needed water. "stay here," dennis said, innocently grabbing lynn's shoulder and squeezing. he had this sense of connection that one fell into like a sudden trap, led like the smell of food to the starving. she waited and could not contain her curiosity. she inspected gavin and lilly's mail, finding a package with an air mail sticker from canada. there was also a magazine about flowers, an ad from vons, two bills, and a handwritten envelope with a drawing of a bird. a few minutes later, dennis was inside the house, pushing the door open. "come on in," he said. "i guess they're not home." surprised, but not startled,lynn didn't ask how he got in. she just figured as her agent he had access like a close uncle. she went in. there was a scent of cinnamon and earth and a slight waft of wet dog. she heard water dripping at the kitchen sink. the silence was slightly eerie. she looked about with breath caught in her throat like a bird temporarily tangled in a blackberry thicket. lilly's paintings were on every available space. most of them were flowers, but lynn noticed a peculiar one of a girl on a stage playing a violin. "wow, i've never seen her do people so real," she said, looking closely at it. it hung next to a vase of hydrangea blossoms. "who is this girl?" "i think it's some part of herself," dennis said. "come upstairs to her studio." he began to take the steps up. lynn followed him. 080917 ... unhinged gavin and lilly's time at his childhood home was perfect if not for her unsettled stomach. marcy made a wonderful dinner. baeroun showed them the garden he was getting ready for their wedding. they sat on the beach telling stories for awhile. marcy tried to convince them to spend the night. 'mom, you know i can't leave trane.' 'you did that on purpose gavin. we live on a farm and you don't bring your dog. seriously.' gavin kicked some gravel and mumbled. lilly laughed. 'yeah why didn't you bring trane?' 'oh no. my mother and my fiancee are not teaming up on me. no way.' 'your mother doesn't need a team mate son. next time marcy. next time gavin can bring that damn dog and they can all spend the weekend.' they all exchanged hugs and lilly and gavin headed home. dennis and freize rep sat there for awhile. she anxiously began thrumming her fingernails on the kitchen table. 'i'm sorry mr. browne but i do have other work. i can hold the spot until tomorrow morning.' she glanced around at the canvases. her eyes stopped on the blurry close up of the center of a sunflower. 'modern impressionism....post industrial van gogh' she mumbled under her breath. dennis watched the rep walk out to her car and angrily rubbed at his chin stubble. 'fuck. damn.' he picked up his phone and dialed lilly one more time. 081005 what's it to you? who go blather from