brodie jane it_haunts_me listening to mozart's requiem, lacrymosa & wanting to dig my toes into a california beach with a curly strawberry blonde with freckles & dimples & knowing i'll never have this feeling again in my life, that feeling i can't quite forget & can't quite remember; that feeling that i want to leave but still it haunts me like the moon on an autumn night at the beach...drifting away with someone i've known for so long in a moment, someone who can look in your eyes & see you & smile, the kind of smile that makes you want to cry...i miss feeling. i want it back, i want to feel anything...please help me . 030915 ... jane brodie called me with innocent reflection that a mirror wouldn't want to face. i had to stop everything [okay, watching tv] & go out into the hall where i did not find the peace & quiet i had hoped for...i tried to revert myself back to californianisms...surfing? cool...i forgot about the ocean being west...it's here too, for sure, but i haven't seen it yet. i wish you would drown in my sorrows with me but it makes me feel selfish...i'm still in love & i know it...some people just fit, you know? 030915 ... jane calling me this morning at eight:20 & talking for 79 minutes and 29 seconds which is almost the full 80 minutes but just thirty seconds to tease me no sleep in three days & you're losing your mind..."the most honest conversation"...where you are sleep deprived & i had just been awakened but surprisingly was not cranky...the only person who couldn't make me cranky by calling me early in the morning & talking about god knows what...goats or something...faces people make in their sleep...you want to drink me from my back...draw me...drinking whiskey...we shouldn't get married because of the rolling_stones... i've never thought this on my toes before...all i can think about is you & me in california...where the sun can barely rise fast enough to start the day...but we always make it... i'm tired of the city. already. & you are home. 030928 what's it to you? who go blather from