who_were_you miniver I tend to theorize alot about what I want/don't really want. Take writing, for example. I write, sometimes. Not too much, really -- 'cause I have this problem where I tend to start loathing what I write a day or two after I write it -- sometimes sooner...sometimes even as I write. And then I go through a phase of non-writing, allowing myself enough time to be re-deluded into thinking that I might write something that will actually be brilliant. (It's one of those, you know, 'vicious cycle' thingies. Well...not really vicious, I guess. More 'stupid'. Yeah. Stupid cycle.) Alright. So, then there's places like blather; well, primarily, there are other people who might read what I write. And, so I have deduced, it has something to do with that whole self-loathing issue (self = self's writing...of course [[of course]]) -- though this may be immaterial to the matter -- that the debate should begin between want/want-not. In this instance, the subject of possible wanting is a fairly weathered branch of "Greatness" -- that were, literary admiration. Which, you might dismiss, is not so worth the thought...an idiomatic trifle, really. But, it's actually not about whether or not I want greatness, nor even the slightly more philosophical issue of a probable (though impractical, and hardly empirically definable) 'greatness'-seeking human nature. It's actually just about whether I should go with "want" or "not want" (and literary greatness just happens to be the phrase of the day). And not even in any potentially moralistic contrivance! It's not about going against my animalistic drives (/wants) to try do do some socially "Right Thing". All I can figure is, somewhere along the line, I began an experiment on myself. So, theoretically, I says to myself: "Self," I says, "let us see what would happen to me, if I did the opposite of what I wanted to do, whenever I happened to notice that I particularly wanted to do something". Just for kicks, kinda thing. Or maybe I don't trust myself. Or maybe -- and I've been considering this one in particular of late -- I have been fostering some semi-subconscious delusion that doing/having as little as possible of what I really want will, itself, somehow, make me stronger/better/greater/something-other-than-what-i-am. Which would be why 'greatness' is only secondary to the cause -- 'greatness' is just a variable -- 'greatness' = x. Although, note well, ye, for this is curious and poorly written: people who are 'great' at whatever it is at which they are great -- they are those whose fundamental purpose, in doing what it is they do, is typically not "greatness". I digress. In any case, and, as it goes, I have no idea what I want. 'cause when a person starts to figure that he/she is going to start not wanting something, then he/she pretty much starts wanting to not-want. You see? So, now I'd have to write, publicly, because I want to not-want to do that. Of course, then, I could not-want to want to not-want, and this could all continue to no end, times 3. Yep. So, I dunno... Vanity. 000821 ... Alan Watts Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth 010214 ... G_wiz13 ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________that is me. 010214 what's it to you? who go blather from