do_all_things_with_love hsg intelligence_becomes_the_common_denominator 081117 ... unhinged mindfulness new_tonglen i've been distracted for months now. but that's no reason to not pick up where i left off. 081117 ... unhinged take some time everyday to think on_contentment expanding the circles of love in my heart in my life tends to make the bad thinks shrink insignificant (lately the profound affect my yoga/buddhist practice as slacker as it's been has had on me over the past few years is amazing me who i am right now definitely impossible without it that in reality i'm a happy person (!) unbelievable to me ten years ago even five years ago but if it's here inside of me i know it's inside everyone cause shit i used to be so black i couldn't smile at the sunshine and when i woke up this morning to the sun shining in my window the smile slipped out before i could even think of containing it) 081118 ... Ouroboros increase your number of perspectives integrate hold paradox in balance experiment radical acceptance has been listening to ken_wilber 081118 ... h s g ken_bewilbers_me 081118 ... arwyn I tried. Gods, I tried. I reached out in desperation. I stayed out of obligation. I stayed out of hope. And still... You managed to fuck it all up. You managed to make it all about you and your neverending hurt feelings. I apologised. It wasn't enough. It's NEVER enough. I've hurt you more than you could ever have hurt me??? You've hated me since I was an infant because I didn't save your shitty marriage. All I've ever wanted is your love. All I've ever wanted it to make you proud. I've tried so hard to get you to love me - the REAL me, not the construct. I've never been enough. I was stupid to think nearly 6 years would be enough to get you to think through what you wanted and decide I was worth something. I was stupid. I kept trying. I made myself vulnerable and told you what I needed and you threw it all back in my face and reminded me that this is all my fault. "pretend I died or something" I want to. I want to pretend that my mother loved me. I want to pretend I was a wanted child. I want to pretend but you won't let me. I can't let me. I can't forget. Gods know I've tried to forgive. Once again, I have to let go. Once again, I'm alone. Last time felt freeing. This time... I feel alone. This is where love got me. 190828 what's it to you? who go blather from