cycles_of_hate unhinged i go through cycles of hate with him. sometimes i barely think of him for months. and then i will be walking through campus on my way home for the night and pass him on his way to someone's car: i do the glance where i look and it's like the most horrid thing i've ever seen and i look away fast and never look back; but my mind keeps looking back. far back; months and months ago back. and now more than anything i just hate him. i used to fear him; hyperventilate at one look of him; see him in the morning and let the rest of my day sour. if i told you i said no and he did anyway what does that mean to you? but the fact that i was drunk changes your opinion somehow. the fact that i was drunk meant more than anything that i invited it. that when i said no, i really truly meant yes; wanted it. the fact that as soon as he heard the panic in my voice he stopped nullified what he did. 'i know you know what i did to nicole' makes my eyes red: i want to choke the life out of him. everytime hands make their way to my belt buckle, my throat chokes on the word no. i wanted to say no to frank but simple words don't mean anything. and once again, i was fucked up beyond all recognition. so i didn't say no. only put up a little bit of a fight. but i don't blame frank for that. i blame him. he couldn't keep his hands off of me. i kept waffling around the word no. but i couldn't listen to the begging. my once again drunk/high mind gave in. he probably would have listened; but i don't put much trust in words. and i blame him. sometimes i wonder if it was just me and him, no witnesses, if i had a gun would i pull the trigger? you know what i could have did to your life you stupid piece of shit? do you know what you did to mine? the most obvious part is i'm sure you don't care. so i'm just going to wait for next september; the next time i should say no; the next reason that i'll give to myself for hating myself and why i'm not good enough. you can take it all...my empire of dirt. i will let you down someday i will make you hurt 020108 what's it to you? who go blather from