Steph*A*Knee it's what i recieve when i do wrong.

it's what i don't think about before i do wrong.

it's what my mom loves to give be but it breaks her heart when she does.

it's killing me. Almost
endless desire deserves nothing. this war with myself
food being the enemy.
food being my best weapon. . .
or lack there of,
i should say.
no more fooling around.
i am sick of this.
for real this time.
please don't stop me.
i promise not to hurt myself.
this is my punishment
for today at practice
and for being ugly
and for hating myself
and for having so many reasons to hate myself.
i wish i could be perfect for you
for everyone.
the whole world who is standing their
just judging and expecting and wanting.
((she never measures up, you see))
i wish i could be perfect for them all.
but i can't
and i've tried.
and this is my punishment for failing.
my body itches for this punishment.
all of me yearns for my punishment.
and i am sorry.
but there is nothing i can do anymore.
i've wasted too much of my life like this.
please, hunger. give me all you got.
he's not going to read this one.
please don't read it. please don't stop me.
i know i am doing better
i know it has made life better
but i can't be weak anymore.
i just can't be weak anymore.
don't make me be weak.
i can't be weak.
you said people can't go back.
i can't go back.
self hatred is too much a part of me.
we have 'history' now.
i can't be weak.
me again you see my dad is going to make me eat dinner.
i really don't know how to get out it.
i've done this well. today and yesterday.
please don't make me break it.
you will be punishing my punishment.
oh well maybe i deserve to break it
because then i will feel guilt.
that's a whole new angle of punishment.
endless desire there was nothing i could do.
i couldn't get out of it.
and now i can feel my stomach stretching.
please stop stretching.
please please stop.
endless desire () funny, when i type 'endless desire' it comes so naturally. i don't even think about what i am typing when i tab down. but i don't want these in with the rest of the pile. i don't want you to read it. but i put my name in for it to go with everything else. luckily i spelled my email wrong. very very lucky of me. 030620
Syrope i'm trying to be reasonable about this. i have to listen to my body, and i can't be so harsh on myself if i need sleep more than i need the gym, or comfort food and a blanket more than stylish clothes and hair gel. i've found that as much time as i spend punishing myself and indulging others, they spend punishing me and indulging themselves. it's just not sustainable. 080814
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