i_can_still_smell_you little wishes years ago, an ex told me that, for about a day after we'd fuck, he'd raise his fingers to his nose to smell me on them. today i looked down to find your shit under my fingernails. and i laughed. 041017 ... somebody i can smell you in my room, even though you've never entered it...you left enough scent on me for it to cling, all the way home, in the taxi where the taxi driver pitied me then tried to touch me. i can still smell you, even though i spent an hour in the shower, trying to wash you away. i never wanted it to happen, but it was inevitable, from the moment i accepted the rum_and_coke you forced on me ande moment they went into the bedroom. you looked at me, with something predatory in your eyes, something primitive, an urge, something that scared me, so i smiled, nervously. 'you've got a beautiful smile' you said. i stopped. you were manipulative and, say what you may, you took advantage. you took a 15 year old girl into your flat and got her and her best friend drunk. i should have known from when i saw you sizing up which of us you'd have most chance with. she was taken. i was drunk. drunk enough to override my better judgement, but the very first time i met you i had to override my better judgement. i forced myself to enter your house, to meet you, and for a while i believed my gut instinct had been wrong, that you were someone i would value knowing. i've learnt now to trust myself when every fibre of my being tells me not to do it. so for that i'm thankful. but whatever bullshit i may spout about respecting you, i don't. there are few things i can think of that have made me feel worse. mostly, they involve death or pain. not kissing. much as i want this to be your fault, it wasn't. i did get pissed ,and i did flirt, and i did, maybe, even enjoy it. while it lasted. however, you did get me pissed, you didn't stop me when you saw i couldn't stand up, or told you i'd had enough. strangey though, i feel oddly benevolent towards you. i make myself feel sick, physically sick, when i think of what happened or might have been. but you know what? i relished the experience. i've learnt from it, will grow from it, will see the world in a slightly more cynical way forever more. so thanks. but no thanks, no more, no matter how 'pretty' you tell my friends i am, no matter how much you have 'to teach' me. it won't be happening again. 041017 what's it to you? who go blather from