hsg intelligence_becomes_the_common_denominator 081117
unhinged mindfulness

i've been distracted for months now. but that's no reason to not pick up where i left off.
unhinged take some time everyday to think on_contentment
expanding the circles of love
in my heart
in my life

tends to make the bad thinks shrink

the profound affect
my yoga/buddhist practice
as slacker as it's been
has had on me over the past few years
is amazing me
who i am right now
definitely impossible
without it

that in reality
i'm a happy person (!)
unbelievable to me
ten years ago
five years ago
but if it's here inside of me
i know it's inside everyone
cause shit
i used to be so black
i couldn't smile at the sunshine
and when i woke up this morning
to the sun shining in my window
the smile slipped out
before i could even think of
containing it)
Ouroboros increase your number of perspectives
hold paradox in balance
radical acceptance

has been listening to ken_wilber
h s g ken_bewilbers_me 081118
arwyn I tried.
Gods, I tried.

I reached out in desperation.
I stayed out of obligation.
I stayed out of hope.
And still...
You managed to fuck it all up.
You managed to make it all about you and your neverending hurt feelings.

I apologised.
It wasn't enough.
It's NEVER enough.
I've hurt you more than you could ever have hurt me???
You've hated me since I was an infant because I didn't save your shitty marriage.

All I've ever wanted is your love.
All I've ever wanted it to make you proud.
I've tried so hard to get you to love me - the REAL me, not the construct.
I've never been enough.

I was stupid to think nearly 6 years would be enough to get you to think through what you wanted and decide I was worth something.
I was stupid.
I kept trying.
I made myself vulnerable and told you what I needed and you threw it all back in my face and reminded me that this is all my fault.

"pretend I died or something"
I want to.
I want to pretend that my mother loved me.
I want to pretend I was a wanted child.
I want to pretend


you won't let me.
I can't let me.
I can't forget.
Gods know I've tried to forgive.

Once again, I have to let go.
Once again, I'm alone.
Last time felt freeing.
This time...

I feel alone.
This is where love got me.
what's it to you?
who go