flimsy unhinged i try to occupy my time but there's no cable or internet. i guess when school starts things will be different. i feel like i have run out of things to say to you. i haven't been doing much interesting these days. i wash local t.v. i make myself some meals, wash dishes, clothes....that sort of boring everyday stuff that you have to do when you don't live with your mom anymore. i think a lot about us. i go through periods of disgust; for all the assumptions, for all the times i kept my mouth shut when i should have told you what was in my head. for all the things you thought you knew about me that were just wrong. for how everytime i get into a relationship i lose myself somehow because i am so afraid of you not liking me for who i really am. a lot of times i sit and think about all the little moments that made up the string of us. the good ones, the bad ones, the normal ones, the weird ones. but part of me still feels like i fit to you. but i haven't been doing much interesting to talk about. and you seemed so defensive, aloof the last time we talked. i miss laughing with you. what we knew of each other before all this is so distant now. i wonder sometimes if i will ever be competant. i had just waited so long to be what parts of us where. i am always quick to let someone walk away. i think about you a lot. little tiny pictures framed in my heart. i am afraid that those things will be gone forever now. when i complain about you i always leave out the important things to justify what i let walk away. the shift of myself, the sobriety i found, that was because of you. yes, you make me angry. everyone is bound to make me angry. yes, you are immature. but i don't think that means much to us. i think a lot about the night that we saw each other again at the plaza. the way you grabbed my hand. sometimes i wonder what you thought of me before that night. if when you were in vegas, you thought of me. that all the persistent love i gave you years ago had finally sunk in when your life had changed. i miss you. i still love you. i'm afraid i always will. that there are those little parts that you were the only one that could fill. yes, i'm still quite attached. 030819 ... unhinged my resolve to never speak to you gain waffles, is flimsy. i keep seeing that mitsubishi commercial with that song you used to play and think about us when you were driving down the strip in vegas. 'days go by but still i think about you; days when i couldn't live my life without you; without you' i'm just selfishly protecting myself from your backlash. i don't think i could handle anymore of it. 030920 what's it to you? who go blather from