to_mark vicious I hope my sanity can hold as long as it takes for me to get help. I had a long talk with Greg the other night, and he knows what I'm going through, though his reasons dealt more with his sexuality than anything else did. That's the funny thing, the one thing I know about myself is my sexuality. It's all the other shit in my head that I can't handle... Please don't view this as me leaving you, because that's not what I'm doing... I want you to be happy, and I don't think you can if I am always there... I think that you think you are obligated to always be there for me, and I cannot expect you to do that... that's not your job. You are my friend... nothing more, nothing less. I once toyed with the idea that you were my soul mate, and maybe in a way we are connected but we haven't figured out how. I love you, and that's my problem, not yours, and I can't let you dwell on that. I know I have all too-often. I think I dreamt so much that you loved me, that it became true to me and me alone. I think most of the things I remember only happened in my head, and it's getting to the point where I can't distinguish fantasy from reality. And that's not a healthy way for a person to live. I know you love me, at least you say you do, but it tears me to say it back, because different skews of love can cause such pain. I would have loved to have "Mackenzie"... my little dream child, and I loved the idea that you would be her father, but that is improbable. It wouldn't have happened. I want you to sing for me. I want that memory. I want you to be happy, and I truly don't think you can if I'm always there. I just want the best for you, and I think, after time, it will be okay. It will. I'm very sorry that I cannot come to your graduation. I wanted to so badly, and I looked forward to it. But one can never expect to lose her car and her job in less than one week. But please consider that I told you, and didn't leave you hanging like you have to me so many times. But I refuse to dwell on the bad stuff. So I will remember that one Saturday morning that I lay in your arms and we watched cartoons, and I will smile. I will remember you singing in your car and reaching out to me to "just take my hand (and) hold it tight". I will remember how great of a person you are. I will remember you. 000423 what's it to you? who go blather from