i_dreamt_that_i_dreamt_27 cr0wl the sun rose, like always, day after day, a gift from a generous god. time passed, like stones skipped, lines radiating from the surface to the shore. moments evolved into stories, fading to memories. some remembered, others desperately forgotten. gavin heeded lilly's solicitous advice and immediately began working less, easily taken care of by seriously talking with rod and discussing the reality of his mental and physical exhaustion. with the carefully calculated extra time, he and lilly devoured it and soon became best friends, sharing everything, even the imagined details of their future marriage. the worried lines on lilly's face diminshed and they conversed like lovers, laying beside each other naked in the heat without a sheet, the fan blaring, the sweat from their tireless fucking drying like dew in the midsummer's early morning act of transpiration. it was this morning in mid july when gavin woke from a particulary vivid dream. he laid on his back, listening to the revolutions of the steel blades like his own heartbeat and gathered the elements of his phantasmagoria. he remembered he was working in an unknown garden, standing on a stone path gazing out through the wine-colored leaves of a bloodgood japanese maple and spotted lilly in the neighboring property, standing as still as a delicately carved italian marble statue, allowing the perfect light of the magic hour to produce the breathtaking glances of the man who beholds beauty as if it is something to be collected. she remained like a chosen subject who is being photographed, and gavin as the willing artist lingered, fortunate with the secret. he caught her more than once gazing at him and when captured she innocently denied it by turning away quickly, blushing with the salmon pink of an approaching sunset. finally, she could no longer ignore him and spoke out to the dying light in a voice not unlike a song one sings when they are completely happy. her voice contained the confidence of a girl who has experienced love, yet desires more. much more. and she knew that this one who was stealing glances at her would be the one she would share her life with. "avez-vous un bebe avec moi?" and in the dream, gavin heard the words and knew instantly they were french. he picked the words apart, like a hungry and determined robin, removing a worm form the soil between leaves of grass. he translated it until it made perfect sense. he sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes of sleep. he turned around to behold lilly still asleep in the weak, but spreading light of the new summer day. he could not help but reach forth and touch her naked shoulder peeking out from the white sheet. it felt like the petal of a daylily. he continued to touch her with a firm hand, extending his reach to the supple parts of her neck along the fine hairs at the base of her skull. she murmured cooing noises of pleasure. his fingers played her spine like a careful game. music from a soundless piano. the unrestricted movement wandered forth exploring the base of her back and down, stopping respectfully, lest caution became lust. still, he pushed further with delicate accidents, replacing friendship with desire. she did not stop him, instead she encouraged him, urging without language, only a series of utterances infused and dripping wet. they tumbled like leaves, colliding, cart-wheeling, head over heels, into love. they became animals. they became feeling. two became three. and that was the morning lilly conceived. 080720 ... unhinged it had been awhile since gavin attacked lilly with such fervent passion. his exhaustion was more pervasive than either one of them initially thought. at first, she was surprised to be woken up that way, but all the practice of their earliest months together came back to them. he kept his hands on her mingled with affection and authority. trane laid his head on the foot of the bed and sighed. as usual, gavin and lilly couldn't help but laugh as his despondence over their animal passions. gavin's head was resting on lilly's naked belly. she stroked his face. 'why does he do that? i mean why does he get so upset when we have sex?' gavin purposefully climbed on top of her. 'he only gets upset when you are loud. he is afraid that i'm hurting you.' lilly glanced at the clock and pulled gavin close to her. he tried to melt into her but she twisted and pushed her way from underneath him. 'i have to get ready to go in to the gallery today. i have to prepare the last of the sales and pick up the last couple canvases that didn't sell.' gavin chased her into the bathroom. 'well let me help you get ready.' for a moment, annoyance was plain on lilly's face, but the annoyance quickly turned to satisfaction. 'so when did you get all hot for me again?' 'i've always been hot for you mama. i just didn't realize how much i was working. i was trying...' he couldn't look her in the eye. lilly grabbed his face in her hand and lifted his chin. 'i know what you were trying to do lover. but you don't have to try so hard now. i'm finally pulling my weight around here. i guess i don't really have to be at the gallery til this afternoon.' with a crooked grin, she pulled him into the shower. it was gavin's day off, so he decided to drive her into the city. she was quiet on the way there. gavin had learned to let her be. he turned on some music. she grabbed his ipod and changed it to the xo album by elliott smith. he raised his eyebrow in her direction, but she was gazing out the window. he just kept driving. it had been weeks since they were both willing and able to have sex. there were no condoms in the house. in her sleepy haze, she hadn't really thought about it. until the third time that morning in the bedroom after she was awake from their shower together. but there was this odd gleam in gavin's eye that she had never seen before. she decided she didn't want to make it disappear by freaking out about birth control. but as they got dressed, she counted the days in her cycle and realized that she was probably ovulating. that at that very moment she could be getting pregnant. she went downstairs under the pretense of making some coffee and stood at the kitchen sink gazing out the window. she tried to concentrate, to see if she felt any different; but she couldn't decide if she actually did or if it was just nerves. trane came into the kitchen and bumped her hand with a little whine. she fed him. then her and gavin left. she didn't say a word for the entire ride. when they got to the gallery, she hopped out and walked towards the door without a word or a glance. gavin couldn't handle her recalitrance any longer. after their morning together, he was confused and a little hurt by her distant silence. 'lilly are you alright?' she threw a 'yeah, fine' over her shoulder and kept walking without looking back. 080721 ... cr0wl gavin rolled his eyes, sighed, and leaned back hard against the door of the car. he folded his arms tightly against his chest and lifted one heavy foot over the other. lilly's cold words hung in the distant sky above him and then dropped to the ground in front of him breaking like a thin sheet of ice. he thought he had become calloused to the ever increasing way she wrapped herself up in an emotional blanket, hiding from him and the rest of the world. natural, he usually figured, considering what she endured through the grisly murder of her parents and the mountains of looming depression she had to climb just to get through the day. although he hated to be shut off, he let her go without altercation, knowing from experience she would work it out her unique way and in her time. his hope for her complete healing lay in their marriage, a topic she always seemed to avoid. he so longed for her to bring any difficulties, troubles, or questions to him and especially now, as he regarded the recent, mystical dream about her desire to have a baby. he closed his eyes a moment and imagined lilly holding their newborn. goose bumps crept along his naked arms and legs. tears welled up in his eyes. he opened them again and watched lilly disappear into the gallery. he blinked a few times, cleaned his face with his fingertips and followed her in. he found her talking with dennis browne. ever since the strange events at his topanga property gavin tried to avoid him. ever since lilly began dealing with him, he was uneasy, yet the money was too hard to ignore and resist. plus, lilly was gaining valuable exposure to many other collectors. walking past them to where her paintings stood, gavin was immediately concerned with the belligerent tone dennis was using and almost addressed him. however, lilly gave it right back to him like she was used to it, so he got busy packing the paintings. he noticed lilly following dennis into a back room. he hesitated and then began carrying the paintings to the car. on his first trip back inside the gallery, there was an eerie silence. gavin paused again to listen and could only hear the hum of an air conditioner. there was a slight odor of cigarette smoke. gavin continued taking the paintings out. on the second trip back, lilly had returned. gavin thought she appeared happy and even managed to acquire a slight smile from her, although dennis still had her attention. he was reading something to her from metro section of the la times. gavin grabbed the last two paintings and carried them out. when he returned, he found lilly alone talking on the phone. gavin stood beside her and gazed upon the stark white walls of the gallery trying not to eavesdrop on her conversation but couldn't help but hear phrase like, "yes, my agent is here now," and "sure, we can be there within the hour." gavin stepped out into the expanse of the room, empty except for one permanent piece, a print of marc chagall's "three candles." in it the two lovers seem to be looking out upon what lay ahead. gavin couldn't help but reflect on his recent dreams. "hey gavin," lilly called out, pulling him from his reverie. gavin turned around. "i've got to run. dennis is taking me to see this collector in new port beach." 080728 ... unhinged dennis was a flexible man. when he heard about gavin's health issuses, he gladly okayed the relaxation of his schedule. he didn't want to kill the poor shmuck. in fact, quite the opposite. so, dennis decided to turn his attentions on lilly. one of his biggest pet peeves was untimeliness. when lilly and gavin finally showed up at down the rabbit hole that day, dennis bristled with annoyance. 'what took you so long?' tap tap tap of the wing-tipped foot. 'i was busy this morning.' lilly gazed distractedly around the studio eyeing up the work that needed to be done. 'busy?' dennis had a dangerous hint of derision in his voice. 'too busy to keep your appointment and leave your phone unanswered?' 'i keep the ringer off when i'm home now so gavin can get some rest.' lilly sent a piercing gaze at dennis. 'i think he's finally beginning to feel better' lilly looked to her feet and a faint smile crept across her face. 'i see. too busy fucking your boyfriend to read this review?' dennis waved a newspaper in her face. 'fiance. and yes. we fucked all over the house this morning. that's why we were late.' dennis' face contorted in mild disgust and as usual he couldn't tell if lilly was telling the truth or not. honesty was not something he came by easily like lilly. 'well i have some other galleries and collectors in the area that are interested. call this phone number. put a smile in your voice.' lilly glared but did what she was told. she noticed gavin silently doing her work. her heart and her gut dropped to her toes with guilt. with another meeting set up, she left gavin in their dust to go off to newport beach with dennis. she sat in silence for the whole trip and dennis didn't seem to mind. as she watched the foreign california landscape pass by outside the window, she started to think about what she couldn't concentrate on earlier. what if....what if she was pregnant? would that be so bad? her and gavin could have a beach baby. coltrane was wonderful with kids. she wove many fantasies of her perfect little family with gavin. as the car pulled into wherever they were going, the last thought that crossed lilly's mind: gavin is going to be a great dad. 080729 ... cr0wl back at the house, having stacked lilly's paintings in the studio room, gavin sat on the back steps that looked out over their small garden with his laptop. coltrane having tired from a bout of frisbee toss laid at his feet, head in his paws looking up at him from time to time, ears twitching as gavin whistled a goofy tune that mirrored the happiness swirling around inside of him. an idea had germinated and taken root inside his mind, in that fertile place he had reserved for lilly and himself, the growing world of their solid future and this was the e-mail that could help make it happen... to:yuirxuel@yahoo.com from:gav23@gmail.com subject:what do you think? hey dad, how's it going? how was the play? i'm a sam shepard fan also. things are going well around here. i've cut back on work a bit, like i told you, and lilly is continuing to sell her paintings. she's really starting to make a name for herself. remember i was telling you about lilly and i thinking about getting married? i was wondering what mom and you thought about us having the wedding at your farm...i know there would be a lot of work involved, but i could help and we could wait, even until next year, whenever you thought would be good. i haven't even told lilly yet, but i thought i'd ask you guys first...and any ideas you have about what we could do would be much appreciated...so let me know... love, gavin he pressed send and shut the computer. coltrane sat up and yawned. gavin set the laptop down and picked up the frisbee. coltrane came to life, yipping for gavin to throw it. "if you catch this, the farm wedding is a go," gavin said, positioning the disc for a perfect toss. he let it go and coltrane took after it, running as fast as he could. at first it seemed like there was too much speed and it was going to sail over the fence into the neighbor's yard, but then coltrane sprung, leaping with all his strength and with perfect timing snatched it out of the air right where the fence began. "nice catch boy!" gavin yelled. 080803 ... hee hee you have 40 minutes to write a story.. On your marks... Get set.. GO ! oh yeah, and you at the back there... you get extra time... because you day dream! oh excellent! that means i can pick my nose at the same time! 080803 ... unhinged (go fuck your_mom_ on your own page....nasty defiler) 080805 what's it to you? who go blather from