i_dreamt_that_i_dreamt_20 c r 0 w l the party arrived like night after a full day, when satisfaction is ice melting into the earth after weeks of being frozen against the earth. gavin was worried. he knew lilly was on to him, but he wanted to prove to her that ruth was only present in his dreams. he spurned her once. he could spurn her again... if she should advance towards him at the surprise for dennis. i am a keeper of secrets, gavin thought and it saddened him. he injured lilly as if he had shot her with an arrow by mistake. they arrived as whispered about guests. many girls thought gavin was beautiful. all of the men knew lilly was gorgeous. they were the proverbial "it." ruth stole up to gavin as lilly turned towards jeremiah. he kissed her on both cheeks. she thought it a very european thing to do, but still it embarrassed her, even as she gushed. "let's hide, for he's coming..." they scurried about, rushing into closets and stairwells. gavin ended up squished besides ruth. he cold feel her back pressing into his front. lilly, finding herself stuck with jeremiah, turned to face him. his breath was scented with pineapple and coconut. "when does he arrive?" gavin hushed to ruth. his breath hot in her ear. "7:30." ruth said, pouting listlessly. she had a fight with jeremiah and was thinking about making him jealous. she eyed gavin like one beholds a statue of a greek god as it collects moss in a shady garden. he could be her new day, after a fall of rain, when the sun returns as if in a dream. "he's here...HUSH...HUSH.........HUSH..........." dennis stepped out of a mini cooper driven by a man gavin or ruth had not seen before. lilly didn't see him at first for she was fascinated by jeremiah's straight white smile and his disheveled hair. the man who appeared gentle and unassuming actually seemed to be the center of attraction. many other strangers affectionately greeted him and there were even flashes of a camera. he pushed dennis forward for it was his day to be surprised and treasured. 080205 ... c r 0 w l lilly 's earlier fascination with jeremiah waned as gavin returned close to her side, holding her hand and putting his other hand against the small of her back. he seemed to lead her that way about the eventually large amount of guests, many of them artists and musicians, mimes and magicians. the party was a wonderous event. food, provided by a vegan co-op was deliciously original. fires burned, small plays were performed by a young actor's guild, poetry was recited. chamber music was live. gavin stayed beside lilly, a companion to the quirky mix of enterainment. once, they watched a ukrainian gypsy clown perform a simple trick with a trained chihuahua. later they saw the same clown, dressed in a csirkefogo, hand-sewn costume, played a whimsical tune on a toy piano. lilly was pleased to see ruth clinging to jeremiah, although she saw her eyes trying to burn a hole into gavin's. lilly had the most fun chatting with nancy, who turned out to be a surprise guest at the party. they discussed where the paintings would be hung in the gallery-like setting within the elegant village garden shoppe. gavin joined in their conversation. "i think lilly's work will compliment the many artistic touches already present in the shoppe," he said, looking about at the garden paths dennis built. he sipped at a glass of red wine, squinting his eyes. 080206 ... c r 0 w l nancy, who arrived at the party with her sister, a graphic comic book illustrator from ojai, considered gavin's comment. she was impressed by lilly's work, to be sure, and was eager to hang the provocative rose piece. thinking of the blank spaces of the shoppe being filled by her microscopically infused seasonal flower paintings, she spoke with the authority of one who studied artists and their process. "lilly is an original artist that finds life in nature, that's obvious. yet, it almost seems like she's trying to preserve her own. i've heard things about her life. the tragic murder of her parents, how she had a trembling gun held to her head. that when the trigger was pulled, it was empty. so you see, she has already died. perhaps she is dead and rebirthed. she can think whatever she wants to think. she is who she says she is." whoa...gavin thought to himself. this lady is an existentialist. yet, i feel she's here to take lilly to a nice... place. 080207 ... c r 0 w l if lilly had played russian roulette unwillingly, then she clearly won, as if for a specific reason. she watched gavin talk with nancy and thought he had a nice smile, as if when he spent time with you his effort was genuine. she was glad he loved her, for he was someone who could love easily, for he seemed to be able to make friends easily. she wished gavin would ask her to marry him. it was her wish. her dream. she, who was now without parents had to recreate her own life. she was her own mother and her own father. who was gavin? her very heart and soul? we are all so different. we are so confident in our own life. she thought she needed a savior, but now things had changed with the recognition of her talent for painting. she suddenly found another possible explanation that there was no bullet left in the pistol. she didn't need gavin. she was an artist designing, creating, and constructing...she was leaving something behind to represent the tragic loss of her family. lilly had been standing in front of gavin and he was holding her on his lap. a young man with a recorder blew a sweet melody. lilly waited for him to play it through once and then sang along with his tune on the second time... "a legacy..." she sang, beautifully. "...of love and acceptance...motivation and satisfaction...genuine concern...affability..." she wanted to be needed. she wanted gavin to tell her she was pretty. that she smelled nice. that she cooked good. that she was his best friend. "yeah, that's what i want," she sighed, as the small crowd applauded her singing. "wow!" jeremiah said, coming up to her holding out his palm for her to slap. she followed through. he chuckled. "yeah. that's right. unbelievable. go ahead sing some more." lilly waited for a small blues band had formed around her in response to her torchy singing. "now...here you are...step by step...up and down to the fork in the road. one way:ice; the other:fire..." her words floated on the salty pacific air. she let the instruments play; guitar, upright piano, drums, accordion. "jump into the fire!" 080208 ... unhinged gavin stood on the other side of the bonfire watching lilly, gaping mouth hanging open. jeremiah walked over to him. 'you didn't know she could do that did you?' gavin shook his head, squinting to see lilly through the flames. the wind was carrying her voice away from him. he only caught snippets. but he watched her face as she sang, passing through happiness, nervousness, sadness, elation. with every song, she gained confidence as the crowd passed on their drunken approval. after a long set, the band wanted to take a cigarette break. lilly kept singing a capella. 'this is a song i wrote.' she caught gavin's eye and he started to move near her. gavin was still speechless. lilly started stomping a beat with her left foot and sang. i'm an easyrider baby i don't give my daddy no rest i'm an easyrider baby i don't give my daddy no rest i just do what i want and let him try and guess i cooked your food i cleaned your clothes what more could want? only god knows i'm an easy rider baby i don't give my daddy no rest i just do what i want and let him try and guess i let my phone ring cause i don't need a leash leave me twenty messages after the beep i'm an easyrider baby i don't give my daddy no rest i'm not trying to cheat just do what i do if you knew me better you'd know that i'm true i'm an easyrider.... the band cheered as lilly finished up her song. gavin reached out and hugged her. 'lil....i'm speechless,' he whispered in her ear. she grinned at him slyly. 'i guess we haven't been together for very long. we still don't really know each other.' she grabbed his face and kissed him with all the might and passion of the post performance adrenaline that was rushing through her. nancy approached them. 'ah, young love. i didn't know you were so multi-faceted artistically lilly. you wrote that last song?' 'yeah. the words and the melody.' the guitar player also approached the circle that was fast forming around lilly. 'we should make this a permanent thing. you know, like be a band together.' 'um, eh, i'm really busy with my painting right now. nancy just commissioned me to do a huge series for her store.' 'you are a commissioned painter too? shit. well, we should keep in contact for sure. maybe if your painting slows down, you could come sing with us. my name is kale. like the cabbage. damn hippy parents.' he chuckled and stuck out his hand. 'yeah, i had fun kale.' lilly dug her cellphone out of her pocket and they traded numbers. gavin drifted away to let her do her thing. she was so talented. what was he good at? he felt pastel next to her, pale, washed out. but as he slowly got to know lilly, gavin felt like she was the sunshine in his life. sometimes the only sunshine. the child's song popped into his head as he replayed the recent memory of lilly enraptured by her own singing, eyes shut. 080210 ... c r 0 w l gavin walked to the table where much of the food, catered by a local sicilian cafe was nearly gone. he picked up an opened bottle of rioja and poured a healthy splash in his empty glass. he sat down on a weather-beaten adirondack chair. he could hear lilly singing again without instruments. he was bursting with pride. sipping his wine, he couldn't believe how fortunate he was to be the one that could help to feed her soul. he looked past the stone-walled garden to see a larger crowd growing around her. he shook his head with incredulity and smiled huge into his glass, swallowing a gulp. he could feel it slide warmly down his throat. give it to them, lilligirl... he thought. when he brought his glass down to the armrest of his chair, he saw someone step out of the darkness in front of a line of avocado trees heavy with fruit. he tilted his head into the firelight of the smaller patio fire and discovered it was ruth. "hey ruth," gavin called out, reaching for his glass again. "hello..." she said, coming closer. she was wearing a little black dress with white tights and no shoes. he saw she was slightly weaving, carrying a half glass containing a clear liquid. she took a sip after holding it to her lips much longer than gavin expected. he actually thought for a second she might be losing it. then she swallowed and brought the glass away from her mouth and spoke into it as if it was a microphone. "your girlfriend is a sweet nugget..." "yeah, for sure," gavin said, sipping a bit nervously. ruth wriggled on to the armrest and leaned into his shoulder. in the short distance, he could hear a hearty burst of applause for lilly with a mix of punctuating shout-outs . "listen to that." he said, trying to distract himself. "and she's over there..." ruth said, leaning up and turning towards gavin as he sat back against the curved wooden slats. they creaked as he squirmed. her hair, a brilliant honey color in the firelight smelled like woodsmoke and salon shampoo. her breath was spicey and exotic with the alcohol. she set her glass down on the bricks and lifted her bare right arm, bringing her hand to gavin's scruffy beard. she moved her fingers to his bottom lip and gently squeezed it with her thumb and index finger. "and i'm here..." gavin felt paralyzed. ruth's touch was like a snake bite and he could feel the venom enter his bloodstream. he felt faint. overwhelmed. he wanted to sit up straight but he couldn't get his legs to work. the bite was going to kill him. he was sure of it. ruth let go of his lip slowly, first putting his index finger into his slightly parted mouth until she touched his tongue. continuing to prolong his agony, she pulled her finger out in slow motion and then wriggled on to his lap until she was on top of him with the back of her head in his face. moving it to the side, gavin felt her cheek against his. her forehead pressing against his temple. still, he could not move. his hands were concrete plastered, gripped to the curling edges of the armrest. his feet were unmovable slabs. and then she began to grind her hips into his groin. gavin could hear lilly singing again, her voice rising up and joining the sparks of the fire, swirling with the smoke, reaching his ears. gavin closed his eyes. i'm not dreaming, he told himself. 080211 ... unhinged another strain of lilly's singing reached gavin's ears and suddenly he stood up dumping ruth unceremoniously onto the patio. ruth turned to look at him. 'what's wrong with you?' 'you need to stop ruth. i'm with lilly.' gavin's left calve started wobbling. he pushed the chair out from underneath him and tried to hop over ruth. 'you haven't tried to hard to stop me gavin.' 'you're right ruth. if lilly was different, i'd probably be glad to be with you. have you heard any of the lyrics lilly wrote?' ruth shook her head. 'do you know anything about her life before she met me?' ruth shook her head again. 'you wouldn't ask me to cheat on her if you did. i love her too much ruth. but like i said, if lilly was one iota less, i'd be glad to bust up you and jeremiah.' 'he knows. he approves. he let's me stray.' 'well, i don't want someone else's stray when i have myself a devoted talented wonderful girlfriend.' ruth stood up and dusted herself off haughtily. 'well, i guess i pegged you wrong gavin. i didn't take you for narrow and conservative.' she turned to walk away. 'right. walk away. make me look like the evil one.' she snapped her head back towards him, 'whatever dude. just keep walking.' gavin started walking back towards the bonfire in a longer more roundabout orbit. the crowd was getting rowdy with all the alcohol. 'sorry guys. really. i can only sing one more. i really want a cigarette too and after that my voice will be shot.' there were faint boos echoing across the crowd. dennis spoke up from his throne at the head of the fire. 'if lilly wants to take a break, let her take a break. she isn't at this part to perform. but thank you dear. what a marvelous addition to my party.' 'thanks dennis.' lilly chuckled under her breath. there was something endearing but vaguely arrogant about dennis. she still couldn't quite decide if she liked it. 'i'm gonna do my favorite. boom boom by john lee hooker.' she looked right at gavin as she sang. i like the way you walk i like the way you talk 080211 ... c r 0 w l gavin, truly feeling a shackleless freedom now that he abruptly spurned ruth, listened to lilly's in-his-face singing, accepting each note like a butterfly kiss. he carefully watched her, staring without blinking into the liquid of her velvet gaze. this was his vision and he would have to define it as the beginning of his complete love and devotion to her. he would give it a name and call it: "boechrys" it would be the word he would write in his journal when he talked about himself and lilly. it was the title he gave for the two of them in love. her voice was almost gone from all the singing, but still gavin loved it for it was the voice he wanted to hear first in the morning and at all the important and beautiful moments of his life. he wanted to hear her say "yes" when he asked her to marry him. he stepped closer upon the stone patio and as the crowd gazed behind themselves to see who lilly was staring back at, they parted like a chinese accordion fan to let gavin in her circle. gavin felt a rush of complete clarity as if the way he looked at life was all what lie ahead for lilly and himself. a future of wonder. anything was possible with the two of them becoming one person. but how could that happen? he couldn't worry about any fear or doubt. they would fight it. all he knew for now was the next step. lilly stopped singing. gavin kept walking. the crowd hushed. ruth, who had dusted her dress off from being pushed to the ground rejoined jeremiah. she clung to his arm and waited for gavin to speak. she could feel electricity or some kind of warm energy in the air. dennis folded his arms on the wooden table within the circle. he also waited. he was excited at the numerous possibilities lilly represented. nancy craned her head and on tiptoe tried to see gavin better. "i love you, lilly," gavin said, breaking the silence like a piece of glass, flashing light through the crack. the crowd audibly groaned their admiration and cheesily gushed. ruth clenched her teeth. "i love you." lilly said, barely above a whisper. gavin couldn't hear the sound of her strained utterance from where he had stopped about ten feet away from her. however, he read her lips. "i want us to be together...always..." gavin said, and when he said, "always" he physically bent down as if the words needed to be said with the great strength and will it would take to accompish a whole lifetime together. he took three steps and lilly took two to meet him. they hugged hard and tight. the crowd began to applaud with a strange mixture of respect and humor. when they parted lilly looked straight into gavin's eyes. she searched momentarily, diving inside the twin pools, looking for truth. "what are you saying gavin?" she urged. she was fighting for her breath. "marry me lilly..." 080213 what's it to you? who go blather from