catharsis_ jane june was a nightmare. a long, steady nightmare that isn't yet over. on the 5th: i got a call from my roommate alex's father, k (using alex's phone), telling me alex had had an accident and had passed away. alex was at k's house - up late writing - not unusual for him - for whatever reason, was going outside through the back door. he must have missed a step because he fell and hit his head. fractured his skull in 2 places. k said he woke up around 4am "for some reason," maybe because the lights were on (my guess is he heard this. that's gotta be loud) - and went outside. found alex in a pool of blood. ambulance was there in 5 minutes, they got him to the hospital in 10, but by that time there was nothing they could do. the hemmorhaging was too bad. he was 27. i was at work when i took this call. my cube neighbor came over and was right there when i hung up. she grabbed all my stuff and took me to the conference room where it was private. i told her i needed to make phone calls and she told me she was going to go tell my boss what happened and that i would be going home. she understood that i didn't want to talk to my boss. i started trying to get a hold of my other roommate, and of reggie (who already knew). i was on the phone when the door cracked. it was my boss. fuck, really. i waved her away. she left, and a few seconds later my cube neighbor came back. she apologized profusely - said that she'd told my boss i didn't want to talk to anyone, but she insisted on coming in. selfish. i walked from my work all the way back to reg's. we were all converging there. we had to call people. he'd already called rebecca. she was the last person alex had dated. he professed his deep feelings for her and she responded by telling him that she didn't want to be his girlfriend. they'd been friends for 7 years and she had been in a long term relationship for the majority of that time. he was angry at her - told her he didn't want to see her anymore and that she couldn't hang out with his friends (us). we all thought that was silly and she came over to hang out with us a couple times when he wasn't there. i guess the guys had some dinner where alex told them, "you have all betrayed me." they asked him what he was talking about and he didn't say anything further, but they were all pretty sure it was about rebecca. the memorial was that saturday. in between the memorial itself and all of us driving to k's house for the gathering afterwards, i got a call from my grandmother's caretaker telling me that my grandmother wasn't doing well. that her temperature had spiked and her heart rate had gotten to 200. they were surprised she was still alive. my father was on his way down there, and they suspected she was waiting for him. she said my aunt would call up and say, "hello," and then just start crying. she had just survived cancer and her husband's had metastisized. i told the caretaker that i didn't talk to that side of the family so i'd had no idea. she asked me to tell my brother. i told her i would. we all sat on the steps at k's house, trying to imagine a pool of blood at the base; alex laying there with blood coming out of all cranial orifices. we moved to the grass. something about sitting on a back lawn made me feel like i was in elementary school again. before we left k's house, i went out front and called my brother. i asked him to talk to our dad, to tell him everything that had happened. i haven't talked to my father in two years and i wasn't ready to begin that conversation. my brother promised he would. the next morning, sunday, i got a text from my brother. she had passed late in the night. "Alls well. Dad was there. Couldn't have happened any better." the idea of having to attend her service sent me into a spiral of anxiety. i didn't want to fly, i didn't want to deal with another death, i didn't want to see my father. but i waited for the invitation anyway. 120711 ... jane that same day we decided to go to amanda's parents' house to swim in the pool. it was the last place we'd seen alex. we took off in the car: nate drove, his girlfriend in the front seat, and reg, kate and i scrunched in the back. it was hot. i didn't feel well. i hoped a swim would cool me off and ease my mind. i wanted to submerge. i started feeling nauseated in the car. i knew i was going to throw up. i closed my eyes and gripped my seatbelt with both hands. finally, i couldn't take it any longer. i said, "nate. pull over." he pulled over, and i was prepared to get out and throw up. i hadn't eaten in a week and we'd been binge drinking our livers away. instead of throwing up, though, my hands started shaking. then my arms. then my whole body. then the shaking turned into convulsions. i thought my liver was failing. i thought i was having a seizure. i hyperventilated. nobody did anything. nate said i was having a panic attack. i choked out that i'd had plenty of panic attacks and this wasn't it. something was really wrong. they told me we were 30 seconds away from the house. if i could just make it there, i could lay down and relax. i was sobbing uncontrollably. i thought i was going to die. (my therapist later told me: "it wasn't a panic attack. it was shock. your brain had information overload, and your body was acting out how your brain was feeling..."). i told nate to start the car again. he drove about a foot and i said, "no. stop. stop." he pulled back over and i got out and stood next to the car. i thought my legs were going to collapse underneath me. the heat of the day molested my skin. i turned and bent my body behind the car. i vomited water. i wanted to die. once i caught my breath, i got back in the car. i told nate to drive. i could make it 30 seconds. the moment we arrived in the house, i felt immediately better. maybe i just needed to purge. i don't know. 120711 ... jane that same night, reg and rebecca and i decided to go to the neighborhood bar to meet up with reg's friend roxie, who was there celebrating her birthday with a guy friend of hers. we all had a few and then the party came back to my house. roxie's friend had a penchant for mixing drinks, and the two of them were milling around my house until 4 a.m. i had to work the next day and didn't want them around anymore, but i was so exhausted that i didn't know how to kick them out. reg and i sat in the kitchen, talking. then he said he had something to tell me. he told me that for the last year and a half, he'd been developing really strong feelings for me. he said there were no expectations from me, that i'd made it clear "which direction i was heading," and that he just felt it was important to be honest in light of recent events. i was rather shocked, but i tried to be compassionate, and i thanked him for being honest but told him i was a mess and really had no way of processing this information. 120711 ... jane the invitation to my grandmother's service never came. instead i got a cryptic email from my father on wednesday, the 13th, saying the following: ____________________________________________ You were missed yesterday. She understands. The door is always open when you're ready. A yahrtzeit will be mailed to you. You'll know what to do with it. I still love my daughter. Dad ____________________________________________ i analyzed each line: line 1: he couldn't say, "i missed you," or "we missed you." passive tense. you were missed. yesterday - they must've had services. how could i be missed if i wasn't invited? line 2: she understands. morbid. line 3: perhaps a reference to our relationship? line 4 & 5: i had to look up yahrtzeit candles. how would i have known otherwise that it's a jewish tradition? line 6: detachment. "my daughter" not "i still love you." he doesn't even know who i am. affirming. i kept trying to go back to work. i kept having to leave. i think i made it one whole day. 120711 ... jane that friday was the 15th. reg and rebecca and i ended up at a bar in old town with a friend of a friend. i hadn't wanted to stay out so late but was still so exhausted that it was easier to go along than say no. rebecca wanted to go for a walk so i went with her. i told her about reg confessing his feelings for me, and i guess she felt like my confiding in her warranted an equal response, so she confided in me. she told me that she and reg'd had sex. it was a little overwhelming. but then i thought to myself, well, grief has done funny things to all of us; i've certainly had strange sexual thoughts running around in my brain. then she told me that they'd had sex ten days before alex died. i was stunned. i actually had to sit down. when we got back inside, i ended up just grabbing my stuff, leaving the bar, and calling myself a cab in secret. i hid behind a brick wall because i didn't want to talk to either of them. i was sickened. i felt betrayed, on behalf of alex and on behalf of myself. the dispatch had told me the cab would be there in ten to fifteen minutes. i waited 40 minutes behind that wall. finally, i got the phone call. i answered, and the cab driver said, "you're at the xx x xxx x?" i told him yes and that i'd been waiting for him. he said, "well, i waited there for ten minutes and didn't see you." i got kind of mad because i had been waiting behind a brick wall with my phone *in my hand* for 40 minutes, and i said something like, "you didn't fucking call - that's the fucking deal!" he said he didn't have time for this and hung up on me. i started crying and calling anyone i knew who might give me a ride. nobody answered. eventually kate answered but she wasn't available. she stayed on the phone with me while i hailed a cab. the driver was very nice and got me back to my house inexpensively. i tipped him well and he drove away as i walked up the stairs to my house. it occurred to me that though i had my purse, and my money, that my purse was nestled in my work bag, and i'd left that in rebecca's car in old town. fuck. i was locked out. i called my other roommate. luckily, it wasn't too late at that point. it was only about 11:30. he said he was going to come home to pick something up anyway, so he could be there soon. he let me in the house when he got there. it occurred to me that my phone was getting ready to die, so i went in my room to get my charger. dog had chewed it to bits. for whatever reason. the only other charger i had was in my car. my car keys were in my work bag. fuck. 120711 ... jane i didn't talk to reg or rebecca the rest of the weekend. I didn't talk to either of them for over a week. i was so upset, and i was trying to come to terms with everything. reg had sent me an email the monday after i left the bar disgusted. it read something like this: :: I love you. I didn't think we would ever be together. Rebecca told you about us having sex, which was a one time thing. You left, and I can't think of any other reason except maybe my feelings are reciprocated. Your friendship is important to me. I love you. :: what a bombshell. i wrote several letters back, none of which i sent. i was still really angry. i was trying to explore that. i didn't talk to reg again until the 24th. the group had taken a camping trip that i was supposed to go on (but for obvious reasons had opted out of), and they came back that day. i asked him to let me know when they got back. i wanted to talk to him. i went over to his house with a shoebox of beer. i had intended for two each, but when i got there, j and m were sitting on the couch so i figured we could all have one. reg and i went into his room. i vented my frustrations, told him his behavior was disappointing and unethical, and that while i didn't return his feelings, i missed being his friend. i wanted to know if he could do that. he said yes. it was nice to talk to him again. 120711 ... jane k called me to talk about spreading the ashes. i was at work, but i knew it was important. my boss happened to walk by when i was on the phone and i put my hand over the speaker and said, "it's alex's dad; i'll be right off." the conversation lasted much longer than i thought it would (24 minutes) and i went into my boss' office afterwards. i apologized and explained what the call was about, thinking she would be compassionate and understanding. here's what she said: "you need to learn how to set your boundaries." i tried to explain to her that i hadn't taken a lunch yet, so maybe that call could just count as my lunch. she said something like, "well, that just makes me feel like i need to enforce you guys taking your lunch. the union contract states that you all need to take one lunch a day and two breaks." i once again tried to explain that i hadn't taken it *yet* and it was under a half hour.. but she cut me off and said "ANYWAY..." 120711 ... jane that about brings us to july. i had to compose my timesheet for june. it was peppered with bereavement days, and i had to fill out the mandatory absence verification. it felt too personal and i felt strange that it was a requirement. i wrote: my roommate passed away on the 5th. my grandmother passed away on the 11th. (i was wrong, but the dates didn't really matter.) i was sullen when i went to turn it in to my boss. she glanced at it and said to me, "I don't think they allow those for just *friends*..." i told her that i'd looked it up and the union contract said that if someone was residing in the same house as you then you could use up to three bereavement days. my grandmother's death counted for another three, and i'd only used 5 and a half. the point is, i didn't really want to talk about it. i could still barely even write about it. and i think she should have just looked it up herself instead of challenging me. she was insensitive, and usually i can let her attitude breeze by, but i needed her to be more sensitive. that morning, too, k had sent a link to a web forum that he and alex were active on. it was someone's memorial post, and i read through the whole thing and through all the comments. i relived the experience of learning he had died. that happened before i had to talk to my boss. throughout the whole month of june, i'd tried to get a hold of S. i called him when i was walking home from work after finding out. i talked to him later that night when he called me back (he didn't have time to talk with me the first time because he had an appointment with a pool guy. what an asshole). i begged him to come see me. i needed the man i had recently known as my best friend. he had come to see me the next day and it had gone horribly. everywhere we went, someone demanded his attention. i couldn't stop crying. he wouldn't touch me. 120711 ... jane by this time, i'd also received a box from the mortuary in southern california. undoubtedly related to my grandmother's death, which i to this point have not properly processed, i have not been able to open the box. 120711 ... jane i left out some stuff about S, because i'm exhausted and he's shown himself unreliable. i want to be able to pull away from him, and i think i've made leaps and bounds, but i'm still hanging on by a thread. i hate that about myself. i also left out how my mother, with whom i'm very close, is out of the state until mid-july. it's been rough. 120711 ... jane alex's parents had invited me to dinner on the evening of july 6th. i initially said no, but after spending some time with k the monday beforehand, i agreed that i would try and conquer my food anxieties, or at least sit and be pleasant. it turned out that i had to drive about an hour out of town for an interview that day (i'd mixed my days up), but i emailed both of them saying i'd be back in town around 8 or 9, and i would be happy to have post-dinner drinks with them. i never heard back. saturday, rebecca and i drove up to kate's house in san_francisco. we were to stay the night there (rebecca was having dinner with alex's mother and some friends, and kate and i were going to have dinner with k), and sunday morning we were going to spread the ashes. rebecca left early, and kate and i lounged at her place, trying to relax and kill some time before we had to leave to meet k. we started getting ready and my anxiety level skyrocketed. i tried to take some xanax and waited for it to kick in. it never kicked in. by the time we were walking down the street to the bus station, i was almost in full-blown anxiety attack. i told her i didn't think i could get on the bus, and i asked her how much a cab would be. she said it wouldn't be much and she hailed a cab. i got in first, and as soon as she shut the door behind her, i said, "no, no.. i'm sorry. i can't. i just can't." i was panicking. i told her i wanted to walk, and she looked up the restaurant and told me it was an hour by foot. i said that i would walk until i felt better and then call a cab. she quickly hailed another and got in, shutting the door without saying goodbye. i started walking up mission northeast. the neighborhood disgusted me. i felt filthy. i needed to get out. i was having a panic attack. i called reg, who had opted to take the train and stay in the hyatt. i asked him where he was. he said that he was walking around, and i told him what was happening to me. he said he would walk towards me on mission and we would meet up. i kept walking, sometimes running. i saw a man steal a bike and the police chase that ensued. i saw a man try to get on the bus without fare and watched him yell motherfucker at them when it pulled over and they tried to kick him off. i saw tourists with maps. i was cold. i didn't have a jacket. i thought about henry rollins and what he wrote about how extreme cold makes you stronger. the icy breeze was a welcomed slap in the face for me. reg and i encountered each other at 7th. we started walking towards the hyatt and, while i was cold, i already had started to feel better. i had walked 4 miles. we stopped at a liquor store and grabbed some vodka and mixers. we went into his room and invented a drink called a russianelli. we hung out, listened to music, and talked. the sunset was beautiful over the bay. rebecca joined us later. the mood changed a bit when she came in but it was still okay. she and i took a cab back to kate's around 1 a.m. or so, and i think we all got to sleep around 2. 120711 ... jane i woke up at 6 a.m. and i thought i was on drugs. my heart was pounding, and every part of my body, inside and out, felt like it was in a sandstorm. even my brain. my thoughts were racing. i felt sick. i went in the bathroom to try and throw up. nothing came out. i stayed in there, trying to lay down. i was exhausted, and the cool floor felt nice on my hot back. eventually, i thought maybe if i went back to bed i'd be able to sleep more. i went back to bed and the evil sickness started again. i got up to go to the bathroom at least three times, each time thinking i was going to vomit. each time, nothing came out. i couldn't stop my brain. i didn't know what time it was and i was hoping we'd slept through the event. then i felt guilty. then i wanted to pack all my stuff up and sneak out. i felt guilty again. i had anxiety about the time. i had anxiety about not having gotten enough sleep. i was having that panic attack again. i was laying there, unable to blink, and i heard rebecca rustling. i turned to her and she waved. i waved back, and when she got up, i also got up, and then i broke down. i started crying. i still felt like i was on drugs. i told her that i couldn't go. i just couldn't. i was freaking out. my body was shutting down. she put her hands on my shoulders and told me exactly what i needed to hear: "you don't have to go." that was all i needed. i packed up all my stuff and left. i gagged my way down the stairs, unable to take the elevator. i even vomited a bit, though it was hardly anything more than foamy saliva. i had to get the fuck out of there. out on the street, everything was too loud. it was only 8 in the morning and people were setting up shop, yelling, smoking. everything i hate about the city now. it reminded me of new york. probably exacerbated the panic. i called my stepdad. he helped me a bit, suggested i call my brother. asked me if i could get on the bart. i told him i would get back to him. my brother didn't answer the phone. it took all of my living will to get down those steps to the bart. with each step, i felt sicker. i purchased my ticket and made it down to the trains. i prayed the noises wouldn't be too loud. i put in my headphones to try to drown some of it out. i made it all the way to richmond, about halfway from san francisco to home. there i had to wait for the real train. i arrived in richmond just after 9:30, and i had missed the train by about 15 minutes. the next one wouldn't be there for another hour and a half. so i waited. it was freezing. i scolded myself for not bringing a coat to the bay area. i had two strangers ask me, sincerely, if i was okay. i must have looked terrible. waiting there, though, i started feeling better. it was cold and i was alone and i didn't feel so sick anymore. i got on the train and it was almost gone. i did feel guilty. i felt i had let everyone down. i couldn't quite get rid of that feeling. 120711 ... jane fuck. i am so tired. i think that's almost everything. there's other shit, too, about how the dinner that i missed with k and kate ended up back at his hotel, with him asking her to help divide ashes. the mortuary box is still on my kitchen table. my body and mind are exhausted. strangers have reached out to me to help, and a handful of people i've reached out to have shunned me away. i have re-evaluated friendships and tried my best to be honest and open about my feelings. i have cut some off and made an effort with others. i hope i can find some peace, soon. my heart is heavy. i feel like i've taken a beating. sigh with me. 120711 ... PeeT sigh... holy christ. i sincerely hope you are feeling better and that you will find healing from the soul beating, the peace you are searching for, and all the broken feelings come together in a strong mosaic so you can go forward with confidence. 120711 ... n o m . 120711 ... unhinged horrible. i wish i could give you a hug. ive been suffocated by my own tears since may and my hair is falling out. hugs would be good for both of us i think 120711 ... jane i want to group hug with blather. so badly. 120712 what's it to you? who go blather from