Tank sao is worried that i may turn into this. i told him how elated i would be to be alone with my cats, my books, and my computer forever... he says he'll never let me become this... should i thank him or frown..? 010112
argo Frown. Frown by the tankful. Probably wear purple, too. 010112
oh pee um don't frown and don't thank--
that's too predictable.
spin your own reality, baby.
Arwyn I used to believe this would be me, that is, until I met you. From the first moment I laid eyes upon you I knew I loved you, but oddly I loved you before i met you too. I created you in my mind's eye with the lush paint that can only come from the depths of my heart. But with you gone now, I feel like a spinster. Alone. I wish I could by an act of god find a way to return you to my side, but now only time will take care of that. 020109
Risen I used to think it would be the worst possible outcome. I felt sorry for people who ended up alone. My old professor's fiance died, and decades later she was a spinster.

Now, I get it. Beyond not wanting to put anyone through having to be a bystander to the car crash which is my life, there's a deeper problem.

When I think about what I want in a prospective partner, it would be easy to say that woman couldn't exist. Of course, knowing that someone like that does exist and you ruined all your second and third chances, will never get another, and they hate you... well, it makes settling seem pointless and stupid and unfair to anyone who tries to live up to that.

I think it's much better to be a spinster than to be lonely.
unhinged (i guess im not clear on the difference cause i feel like i am both) 180621
Risen Well, I was going more for being unmarried is better than being lonely because you married someone you settled for. 180622
unhinged yeah, well

the reason i'm not married is because i refused to settle for a suburban housewife existence (even though both of the men that would have given that to me really loved me in their own ways). but as i feel forty creeping up on me and my loneliness goes unabated, i doubt my decision to cast those men aside.

as much as i hate the tech world i live in
i hated suburbia more

all of this
i am stuck in a tower of my own making
surrounded by the thorny bushes of
intentional isolation
fierce independence

(my loneliness is a condition of want, not need)
what's it to you?
who go