i_am_not_who_i_want_to_be skinny I never expected anything to be bright-red and perfect, but I always wanted to be someone else. And i'm still not who i want to be. i've scarred myself beyond recognition and shattered my dreams like a snowflake dissipating in the cement. i killed my idols and emptied the bank. moved somewhere else. im someone else now. i don't care anymore. I'm never quoting when i don't have to. I'm saying the answers when i know them, not second guessing myself, ever. picking fights, and losing them. I'll wear bruises of pride and not scars of shame. do you think the reason we can't remember things from when we're very young is because we don't know what anything is? i didn't even know whatdrugs were.. 041203 ... Lila Pause I'm not who I want to be. I'm a hack version of myself. - The one that rises to the surface the quickest. I'm taking the easy way out. - But it feels more like self-preservation. And so I let it slide. I let hope slide away. I rationalise myself out of this disapointing knot. And force zero plus zero to equal two. This will do. This is life. The grass can't be greener on the other side when everything is monochrome now can it? 041204 ... modest mouse i probly will not ever be 041204 ... stork daddy but if you were, who would you be then? 041204 ... not my real name i want to be a happy not-giggly but just generally well-put-together person who laughs a lot and wears random hats and has weird hair that sticks up vertically and who people say "yeah, she's cool" about, and is generally with it and knows what's happening, in a geeky sort of way someone who thinks too much sometimes, but still is ok about it, and is sad sometimes and happy sometimes, but mostly happy and she does things and doesn't hide in corners away from people, but stands around semi-awkwardly and makes people laugh and shows them why it's awkward, and clowns around instead of being serious someone who can sit alone happily and do math endlessly without needing people all the time and reads quietly in a corner on the floor in the library, and knows how to leave the real world for a while she has her own opinions about matters of principle, and floats around on everything else because she doesn't really think it matters she's not finished growing up, but she's getting there, and she thinks she's really going to be ok some day and she's not me, but she's kind of like me, and I think she's cool, so i'm cool with that 050215 what's it to you? who go blather from