forward_through_the_doubt_of_change_spared ever dumbening I live in California_Berkeley, a city full of people who, for various reasons, ask for change. I've always thrown a buck to anyone playing music or doing chalk drawings or telling poetry. I've always thrown a buck to anyone who was honest with signs: SPARE CHANGE FOR DRUGS. But to the regulars, the folks really beat down, I never knew what to do. About a year and a half ago, I was doing sitting meditation with my old trumpet teacher and his wife at their zendo. It was near the holidays, and the dharma talk was about "dana," the practice of generosity or charity. Diane spoke of not always knowing the intention of the person asking for money. Doubt, though, has little to do with the simple act of giving. A year and a half later I've decided to put this into practice. Even after deciding upon a course of action a few weeks ago, I found my old patterns of mind slowing the implimentation. "But..." Finally, though, I simply moved forward. Now, each day that I wander out around town I now give a dollar to the first person that asks. The act of giving, period. Giving is not always easy, especially when uncertainty is involved. We fear being cheated; we fear not being prepared for the future; we fear what might happen with that money that leaves our hands. *** My father, an ordained Lutheran pastor, handed me a post card that he had gotten in Spain recently. It was a picture of St. James on a pilgrimage. My father knows that after over ten years away from the church that I will likely not return. Even in his doubt about my possible reaction to the card he reached out to me with a simple gift. The gift was both the card and his words: "...since you, James, are on a pilgrimage too." *** I sat on the beach with Sharon yesterday; we sat also upon the cusp between forward and back. We've been there before, but we never really moved. She and I have been floating somewhere between friends and more than friends. Yesterday we moved forward. I have considerable doubt, but we gave a bit of ourselves to the other. We risk being wrong. We risk being hurt. "There is never love without pain." The simple act of giving - a touch, a lesson, a grain of rice, a song - this is what unites us. 020528 ... birdmad i am no longer a religious person, but i give to most of the change-gatherers (except the obnoxious pushy ones) under the precept that "hey, you never know, one of 'em might be jesus" i guess maybe i'm hedging my bets in light of all the shit i've done 020529 ... one_fifty_one all of them might be Jesus 020529 ... one_fifty_two all of them might be satan (not a dis) 020530 ... satan satan satan no offense taken 020530 ... frAnk ever dumbening...amazing as always. 020602 what's it to you? who go blather from