serverspacewaste_i dipperwell Am I as hopeless as I feel? At two-forty-two in the morning, one cannot afford illusions. At two-forty-two, one is too tired to preserve (like a tin of peaches in their liqueur) all those carefully reconciled vital lies. One is razored down (like old soap) to her purest element, her soul exposed for what it is: (like ugly, weak, fatally flawed and mildly off-setting) It might be time (two-forty-two) to admit that I am more damaged than I let myself believe... When it is not two-forty-two In, like, fifteen minutes give or take these sorry pixels will blink off one by one (like teal and red and orange Ferris wheel lights when the carnival finally ends) And I will resign myself to sleep--(like a bad comedian) But the hardest thing to say is, honestly: i) I am right here (and) look at me ii) Please don't leave me, would you stay please iii) I am afraid of being alone and unwanted The hardest thing (like opening a beer bottle with softly rotting teeth) to say is not I-love-you (When I was five, I put hyphens in everything) But is please-love-me or why-don't-you-love-me-anymore And I challenge any of you - sheep, sinners and sex and all To not get what you think you want (such as for example everything) from the person you think you want it from (such as purely hypothetically you) And to absorb that at two-forty-two And to lick your platter clean And to rest your towel head in your mother's arms And to know that what you are really looking for is And to want fiercely And to live quickly And to die unhesitatingly And to have a surprised expression (like a man shot in the back by his wife) when the thing that comes next-- Is not thick eyebrows or fixed soccer games or a moody orange eagle (like those things matter one whit) But is this hopeless (like grass laughing) (like stars breathing) (like oceans mourning) (like dreams smoking) (like hearts aching) as I feel... 051025 ... andru235 although i am currently being a megalomaniac and thus cannot compliment you, that really resonated with me. i can assure you that iii) is no longer scary when it becomes an active reality. it becomes plain old boring. and if i may waste a little more server space in this dreadfully efficient era, i thank you for blather's_server_space_is_running_out 051026 ... andru235 ooops, excuse me. megalomaniacs are not supposed to thank people for stuff. i retract my thanks until mid-november. 051026 ... . . 060318 what's it to you? who go blather from