i_dreamt_that_i_dreamt_13 crOwl gavin also fell asleep while the van rambled along empty canyon roads, scattering dust and frightening jack rabbits. in his dream he saw lilly in the afterlight of sunset when light enters a room for fiftenn minutes. it's where they went to end the day, in their room at the top of the stairs where there was a colorful rug, wooden floors, and stuffed animals. lilly painted and gavin drew his fishboy comics. he would wrap his arms around her and press her up against him feel all that made her soft and alluring. he would turn her so that she faced him and could smell her lavendar fragrance. the light painted a brush stroke across her cheeks. he thought there could never be anything more beautiful. he woke to the sound of the van door opening. they were stopped now and gavin sat bolt upright to find they were deep in sagebrush. he could see a hand hewn wooden cabin under a copse of joshua tree. cheerful smoke wrote itself into the sky. he saw the waif standing in a light eerily similar to the dream. he hadn't realized they had driven so far. beyond her the kid she was with was stretching, the silver of his necklace catching the sun. the driver was walking head down to the cabin. there was a hushed stillness in the air broken only by the mumbling of the couple. he was embracing her now and she was mildly resisting arching her hips impishly. gavin jumped out of the van and lazily approached them, kicking at the dried ground, watching a scurrying lizard seek safety. he heard the cabin's screen door slam. "what's your name?" gavin called out. he made eye contact with the young man. "i'm jeremiah and this is ruth," he said, lightly smiling. "what's yours?" "gavin vogel." gavin said, "it's german for bird." "dennis will be right back," ruth said, twirling towards gavin. she looked gavin down to his shoes. gavin followed her gaze to where a small piece of paper sat underneath a rock. he walked over to it as she watched him. clouds became heavier around the sun making shadows lengthen. he removed the paper and discovered it had writing on it. "what does it say?" ruth called out. she was still in jeremiah's arms. "you are beautiful." gavin read. 071221 ... crOwl dennis returned from the cabin, then, with a stuffed blue patagonia bag slung across his shoulder. gavin, who put the small piece of paper he found in the back pocket of his jeans tried to figure out what was going on with the small group and realized it all couldn't be happenstance. ruth and jeremiah were not just hitchhikers and the man dennis must be someone they knew and the event he was about to partake in was something they did before, perhaps many times, for the couple seemed aware and almost bored of dennis's leaving and then subsequent return. "who is that guy?" gavin asked, still feeling slightly buzzed from the wine and weed. dennis was still out of earshot. "he's the magic man," ruth said, pirouetting under jeremiah's uplifted grasp of her fingers. jeremiah lifted one eyebrow and smiled without showing any teeth. dennis, head up, approached and silently walked past them, an unwritten cue for them to follow him along a slight meandering path well worn from walking. framed by sagebrush, it was highlighted by a bountiful vista of the pacific, complete with circling gulls. this is some type of ritual, gavin thought as he fell in line behind ruth who, holding onto jeremiah's hand, occassionaly looked back at him, her curling smile somehow like tinkerbell. 071222 ... crOwl eventually they reached what gavin could only describe as holiday grounds, for there was a looming pavilion-of-sorts that was constructed of timber and stone. its roof was sod on top of tile that was also cascading with wisteria, although the vines were in a vegetative state. firewood was stacked neatly inside it that was obviously for the elbaorate stone fire pit which was encircled with a cobblestone patio and moss. surrounding the area were several weather worn grecian and roman statuary that formed the corners of a circular perennial and dwarf fruit tree garden inside a squared-in structure of antique brick walls. ga dennis continued to walk slightly ahead and was singing lowly to himself, a song that gavin recognized to be foreign, for none of the words made sense, although he was sure he heard the word, "gesundheit." dennis laid the heavy bag on a rough hewn table and commenced to open it. ruth let go of jeremiah's hand and sat on top of the table next to dennis as he worked. "what did you bring today?" she asked, chewing on the end of her hair again. "oh, look at this," he said with pride. "it's a 1964 vouvray." he set the bottle down and ruth lifted it to her face and read the french without difficulty. "and look at that!" jeremiah exclaimed. dennis set down another bottle. montepulciano. "want me to start a fire?" gavin asked. he felt like it didn't matter if he introduced himself to dennis. he felt like he had known him all his life. 071222 ... crOwl "sure," dennis said, still busy unloading the bag. "there's kindling in a box by the stack. he turned around and pointed to the pavilion. gavin walked off like a boy scout eager to help. "i like him," ruth said, running both hands meditatively through her hair, jingling her jewelery. "he's got that look, you know, like he lives in a world inside." "yeah, i noticed it," dennis said, looking at her a moment and returning her a bemused, smile of affirmation. he produced a small, rectangular tin that used to hold dutch chocolate, but was now a recepticle for a root-like substance that was a shade of mahogany, the color of horses in the after rain when the sun breaks unexpectedly through the clouds. he opened it and handed it to ruth. she could smell its earthy, nutty aroma even before she brought the contents to her nose. "oh, you got some," ruth purred. her full-toothed grin was intoxicating to all who could inspire it. 071223 ... crOwl "yeah, i did," dennis said, smiling uninhibitedly. "it was dug outside of ojai, near will has his beehives. it's a year-old." he was glad to have ruth from time to time in his life, this star twinkling in his sky. he loved to just look at her. she was a painting awakened, as if pulled from one world into another. just listening to her was music, song, and dance twisted like a braid into one thing. she was everything that was good and could be good. sadness to her was only a memory, not a present reality, for she was happy. she would often announce it, like when after she smelled the root. "i'm so happy," she said. "hey 'miah, come here...you've got to smell this." jeremiah came to her side like her good dog. he smelled. "nice!" he smiled and dennis inspected his teeth, finding them impeccable. "how about if i torch this verbossen?" he asked dennis. "go ahead," dennis said, uncorking the wine. he took four glasses from an elaborately painted box on the table and poured. beside them gavin took an old ny times newspaper and scrunched it into a ball and then placed a generous handful of kindling. he stopped to read an article about andy goldsworthy's film, "river and tides." next a few pieces of oak he split from larger cut logs, dry as bone. he pulled a lighter from his pocket and watched it burn. jeremiah put the contents of the can into a marble bowl and lit it, blowing on it tenderly until it burnt like a peat fire. when it seemed ready, he inhaled the thick, acrid, dusky smoke. within seconds he was feeling pulled away into an altered state, as if he was cutting around an image of himself and gluing it upon a background of blue sky and clouds where he could just float away. he handed it to ruth. she imbibed deeply. for her, the connection was like a wave that built slowly, until it climaxed into a sensation of sparkling pins and needles flooding every sense. she traced its lines on her body with her fingers. she passed it to dennis. he sucked at it like a ravenous, snarling tiger that would later turn and attack himself. he brought it over to gavin. "no thanks, man," gavin said, smiling big. "i'm good with a glass of white. i just want to watch and see what happens." 071223 ... crOwl observation, for gavin, was a foundational truth. he would always remember when he was in first grade and he turned to look at the classmate behind him and discovered it was a boy his age, however his face was entirely covered with brushburns. and now, as the effect of the verbossen's smoke overcame dennis, jeremiah, and ruth, enlarging and elevating them to the postion of gods in human form, he beheld them as one does an independant film, with a bemused curiosity and a propensity to appreciate his own life's art. the most peculiar sight was dennis performing hamlet. ruth was ophelia. jeremiah expertly played all the other roles, but his best was horatio. when gavin had drunk his third glass of wine after the montepulciano was corked, he felt a warmth of spirit pour over him like chai tea. and that was when he spilled the contents of his heart, quoting rimbaud, "it has been found again. what? eternity! the sea mingled with the sun." he further explained, as they sat around the fire lit darkness sipping red wine, that he did not fear death because he knew his spirit was eternal and that like a perennial he too would return in a differet world; his soul inhabiting another body, perhaps another gender, or even an animal. jeremiah stood up and howled. ruth clung to him like a blanket. dennis listened to gavin and when he was done stood up and threw back the last of his glass. it swirled in the bottom and caught the flame's glow as it slid imperceptibly down his throat. "people used to believe that when you slept you died and when you awoke you were born again as a slightly improved version of yourself, a different person to be sure. i want to know what happens during the dream. where do we go? who is it that we meet?" hours passed and each took long turns answering dhis question and in doing so, defined themselves. 071223 ... crOwl gavin went to pour himself another glass of red when he stumbled upon a_box_of_treasure. he opened the lid, discovering a toy piano. he pulled it and brought it back to the firepit. he told the story of fishboy and the box of treasure, plinking along in the background a musical score. when fishboy asks the giant to open the box, gavin pounded on the keys, "daa daa da DA!" not to be out done, jeremiah took the stage when gavin was finished. he recited several poems of keats, dickinson, and ted hughes. ruth admired the intensity of his face in the fire's glow. it poured over her like warm water from a shared bath. when jeremiah was done, ruth took gavin's piano and played a few sprightly tunes and then sang a kindergarten song in german. dennis applauded and then pretended he was a talk show host. he interviewed each one of his guests. GAVIN WHO ARE YOU? WHY DID YOU GET IN MY VAN?" i'm gavin vogel. i'm from ventura. i was visiting l.a. for the day and had just left from helping some folks and spotted ruth and jeremiah. they seemed kindred so i was pulled like a magnet towards them. i'm a stick in my own stream. a child carried in its father's arms. IF YOU WERE GIVEN A MICROPHONE THAT COULD BROADCAST YOUR VOICE TO EVERY NATION AND BECOME TRANSLATED IN EVERY LANGUAGE, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY? love with all of your heart, soul, and strength. WHO DO YOU LOVE? my girlfriend lilly. my mom. my dog. i would hope i could love everyone somehow. JEREMIAH WHY DO YOU WRITE? why do birds sing? because they want to tell the world what it's like to be a bird. i write because i want to tell the world what's it like to be a human. RUTH WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER? (extended silence) i have a plan. 071228 ... crOwl when all the wine was drunk and the root had diminished to ash, dennis threw one last log on the fire and said he was retiring to the cabin and all were welcome. jeremiah kissed ruth quickly on the lips and followed him, leaving her with gavin. ruth stood near the fire watching him disappear into the midnight darkness. and then she turned to gavin and walked up to him. "i really like you," she said, standing in front of him while he gazed wordlesly at the low flames. he could feel her legs up agains his. she turned around then and leaned back into him, slowly as if she was asking him if she was permitted to do so. he allowed her. she melted into him, form fitting his lap, laying her face against his stubbly beard. she said nothing. he remained silent. the fire burned to coals. ruth sat up and said, "goodnight." "goodnight," gavin said. she flowed away from him like a river to the sea. gavin tugged his phone out of his pocket and pressed lilly's name. 071228 ... crOwl he waited, watching ruth swagger. he loved looking at her. he had never met a girl, other than lilly, who was so easy to be around. he had never felt such abandon when she was leaning into him. he could still smell the sweet staleness of her breath, from the wine. he waited for lilly to answer, but she never did. instead her answering machine picked up. this was gavin's message: hey honeygirl...i miss you sweetpea. instead of talking with lilly, he sighed and then caught even to ruth, sneaking up to her secretly, tiptoeing with stealth like a mocassin-shod indian in the forest. she giggled openly and feigned falling but he caught her and held her awkwardly, feeling things he did not feel comfortable feeling. she faced him with her lips only inches from his. he could see the light gleaming as they parted. "ruth!" jeremiah was calling from the open cabin door that was spilling light upon the green cuchuya grass. ruth jumped. gavin was thankful for the interruption. ruth slipped from his fragile hold, spooked and jittery. "what?" she called back. "nothing," jeremiah answered, "just making sure you were ok." 071229 ... crOwl "i'll... see you... later," ruth said, slowly like the words were molasses dripping from a spoon. she looked into gavin's eyes and he felt her stare like one touching the feathers of a rare bird. the sensation of merely the potential of flight. he secretly wondered where she would take him, yet lilly was a satellite to his earth, the altar at which he worshipped. "ok," gavin said, tentatively, as if he had a slackly-knotted rope around his neck after it was decided he would not be hanged. he found his telly and pressed lilly's name again. she answered on the third ring. "hey gav," lilly said. she was reserved and hushed in her tone. "hey bella," gavin said, suddenly feeling free. "how are you?" "tired," she said, "sorry i didn't call you back. i just can't wait to get back home. how's trane?" gavin suddenly felt a twinge of guilt. he thought of coltrane all alone in the house. it was the first time he thought of him since the dream he had at the little french circus. "he's good." gavin's voice was bleeding out deception. "i'm so ready to just paint and be us." "yeah. for sure." a puddle of his soul's blood was encircling him. "you sound weird." "oh yeah?" he felt weak and drained. "yeah." "i'm alright. i miss you." the words caught in his throat like an animal in a trap. "yeah," lilly swallowed. "i miss you." "well, i just wanted to check on you." gavin watched jeremiah in the light of the doorway welcome ruth inside. "ok." "i love you." he saw them kiss. "i love you." what the fuck am i doing? gavin wondered to himself as he slipped the phone back in his pocket. 071230 what's it to you? who go blather from