jane in the same sense that i would like to better myself, to take care of myself, to eat only healthy organic vegetables and soy products, this requires more money, more time. losing_weight, gaining weight. who has the time. before, when i had the ulcer, weight loss was an incidental. when i was taking the pills, "getting better," they called it, and the weight dropped off, no exercise, but i was nauseated every day. and drinking a lot of wine. the other part of me wants to destroy myself, to take ephedrine diet pills and rip myself slowly apart, watch the baby fat drop off my face until i look half-skeletonized, until i can fit into dresses from high school again, until i'm not worried what i look like in a bathing suit. is it too much television, making me feel awful about myself in the first place? i felt fine when i hadn't watched it in five years. media has a way of getting itself into your skin, the way the foxtails hang on to the dog's fur and make their way into her heart. i resent them for selling me my body subliminally, and i resent myself for not being stronger. and yet a part of me has always been self-destructive; i can see why i am so tempted to jump in the hole again. just because you climb out of the hole doesn't mean it fills up, it's still there for you to fall into every now and then, a sort of inverted sisyphus. alice down the rabbit hole. health quicksand. i wish i could just cut it off with a knife. 080211
Lemon_Soda How can I excuse myself for being me when I know full well what I could be? 080211
Ouroboros oh jane do i hear you! 080213
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