getting_too_old stork daddy to romanticize destruction so much. people are growing too attached to me. that's their sin not mine, but it's a greater sin to ignore their attachment. 050531 ... why would it be a greater sin to ignore their attachment? it's not your fault they are attached. especially when you do nothing in particular to encourage attachment. or, are simply human to them and they read too much into it... oh, bother, i'm much too touchy about this right now... 050601 ... stork daddy it shows no compassion to ignore those who are further down the karmic cycle. all kidding aside though, merely existing encourages some degree of others attachment to you. can your mother help but love you? 050601 ... mytwohands (can your mother help but love you?) when too many people become attached...undo pressure weighs in and the drowning begins. because the guilt of 'romanticizing destruction' in the midst of so many friendly faces seems far worse than living amongst faces of hate. i guess it's just that since ive always been surrounded by love, i take forgranted of it, wishing it wasn't there at all. because all my hopes and dreams and fantasies about ending life are far too connected by the strings of those who brought me up, who held me and loved me when i gave nothing in return. what a betrayal my own suicide would be to them. i can't even imagine how deeply (and quickly) love would revert to hate. and i think to myself that their attachment is not (my) problem. but i suppose it's time i take responsibility for (something) in my life, even if it is my responsibility to merely exist. ...existance seems like the hardest thing they could ask me to do. and i hate them for that. i really do. but i suppose i love them for it at the same time, because i know i'll thank them later--that's the bitter irony of it all--the bitter irony of change and pain and humanity. welcome to life. welcome, welcome. 050601 ... egger . 050601 ... Lemon_Soda To become the spectator of one's own life is to escape the suffering of life. oscar wilde 050602 ... misstree to keep rolling aroudn as i do. need some moss padding. 050602 ... getting too jaded... ah, to be a spectator, but i get so wrapped up in what goes on around me. i guess it's my fault for that, as i let things bother me... then again, people consider me callous and sometimes less 'human' if i don't allow things to affect me... neither route seems to work. 050605 what's it to you? who go blather from