aj
a chaotic gift to idealism I hear songs and they remind me of you. the words speak of our lives. i hear people walking amongst my presence and i see you... i hear you. wherever i sit, i stare off into nothing, my vision becomes blurred until i can no longer see... until all i see is you. i see you living the life i once had, going on as self-destructively as one can without ending ones own life. i see a girl who never lets me finish my sentences because... you do it for me. you are the person i need not ask questions to because, you know what i am asking, answering before i can even think of how to word my questions. you are not a goddess. you are not a saint. you are you. never fearing being you around me.
vengeful and vicious, you boggle my mind and make my head spin. you can turn me on with just your presence. you can make me forget all that is around me, making the world and the worries i have disappear. you make me feel how i do not want to feel. you make me desire. you make me want you, even if this is not your intent... and you need not do anything to make this happen. being you, even without me, makes me want you. leaving me makes me want you. staying with me makes me want you.
i want you with me. i want you to stay with me.
all these words will probably push you away. i can not find the way to let you do for yourself as you have done for so many others. to do what you want to do for you and not someone else. i want to hold you down and keep you to myself. i want to let you free and do what you need to do for yourself. this is so contradictory.
i know that all i can do is keep preying that someday, maybe someday, you will decide that what you want to do for yourself, is stay with me.
my heart is your home and nothing will ever take that away.
050609
...
a chaotic gift to idealism nothing will ever take that away 050616
...
a chaotic gift to idealism i miss you AJ. i miss you so much. like so many years ago. like all the years i went without you, i miss you so much. 050618
what's it to you?
who go
blather
from