stop_getting_hurt shiva i don't understand. 020130 ... ClairE My friends are moving from "be careful" to "maybe you should rethink what you are doing". And that is the nice part. I can see the whole rank of them, slowly rotating and staring more directly at me. It seems like everyone understands but him. It's not because they're girls. The guys sigh and just their presence reminds me how bashful boys can be. You can't gain without risking hurting yourself. People tell me to avoid getting hurt but maybe the question is will I gain by it? I don't really mind getting hurt. The way he doesn't mind what people say. If I'm easily hurt, it just means that I am more connected to everyone around me. I feel like I have a lot of love to give, and everyone else is dealing with their standard amount. I'm sort of left staring and dragging the extra around, and when love doesn't find a home, it comes and burrows back into my heart and sometimes even cries itself to sleep. He knows that to be ignored is one of the things that upsets me the most. But at the same time he doesn't answer my questions. I'm talking and I never get an answer. I wish that someone would take the time and effort for once to try and do something nice for me. I feel very self-indulgent for even voicing that, but it feels like it takes so very little to make me happy, and yet no one ever really tries. Maybe I put too much effort into life. Maybe it is not worth it to get hurt. When he tells me to stop getting hurt, he probably just means relax and enjoy the ride. But even though it is wonderful just to be with him, I am in too deep to be satisfied with a boy who doesn't understand why I'm hurting, and leaves things at that. You'd think that if someone cared enough, they'd keep at it until they found some sort of answer. But maybe that is just what I would do. He says he wants me to be happy. But it would take so little to make me happy. If I make him happy, then why doesn't he want me? Even if I didn't talk to him anymore, and forgot the names of his girls, and his phone number, the absence would hurt me. And the memory of his eyes. So there isn't really any way. Unless I just find this one thing that I want. I just want him to want me. So little to make me happy. That is maybe why I have such faith. Faith_in_him and hope_for_me. 020131 ... unhinged he said he just wanted me to stop_getting_hurt but it angered me he played games with me because he wanted me to stop_getting_hurt i hate games I HATE GAMES 020131 what's it to you? who go blather from