square_the_circle_chapter_17_ unhinged it had taken kayla and scott a good month to find a permanent home. the hotel bill they accumulated in that time had eaten up a considerable amount of the money that mrs. dupont gave kayla. kayla wouldn't let scott pay even though he insisted. they settled in middle california somewhere between los angeles and san francisco. scott was pretty adamant about staying near the coast. kayla had never lived near the ocean and she liked the smell of the salt in the air. scott found a job at the fish processing plant. kayla started babysitting the three little boys up the street. the youngest one who was about six developed a crush on her rather quickly. everyday right before dinner, isaiah and the family boxer tigger would walk her home. after scott switched to third shift, he would wait on the front porch for her and pretend to give isaiah menacing looks. kayla had never lived with someone before. of course she had had roommates, but most often she wasn't sleeping with them. the collision of the past and the present began to suffocate her. her mother and sammy began calling regularly. little isaiah and tigger and their family moved out of town. kayla slept on the couch because she couldn't stand to sleep in the bed when scott was at work. one day, scott came home from work and went directly to bed. his rustling near the front door woke kayla up and she listened as he trudged up the stairs without even coming back to the living room to wake her up. she had started sleeping like the dead again after the conners moved out of town. usually, scott came back to wake her up and take her upstairs with him. today he left her on the couch. kayla could feel the strain her craziness placed on scott. he had learned months ago that asking her questions didn't do much good. if he asked her what was wrong, he would only hear an insistent stream of 'nothing's until he got exasperated enough to stop asking. he couldn't figure out how to break the wall that stopped her from communicating with him. she knew that not talking wasn't the answer either but it seemed to work out better than dumping everything on someone's head. they had drifted apart until their routines became mutually exclusive little orbits that took place in the same house. kayla knew it was mostly her fault. not in the way she always blamed herself for anything no matter what, but that it was truly her fault for letting the lack of communication get that far out of hand. she had fallen into her funk as she put it. she had long exhausted the supply of illegally obtained perscriptions that sammy procured for her. she spent most of her time crying, but tried very hard to remain normal around scott. scott sensed there was something horribly wrong but knew that asking her about it wouldn't do any good. scott hoped that maybe someday she would tell him. today he couldn't bear to look at her empty eyes and went straight to bed without her. kayla strained to hear the noises he made upstairs. she heard the toilet flush and the echo of his steps as he made his way across the hall into the bedroom. the door creaked shut. throwing her legs over the edge of the couch, her feet hit the floor and she pulled her torso upright. then she stood up and tiptoed lightly into the kitchen. she stared at the silverware drawer and got the shivers and continued on upstairs. the closed bedroom door was on the left and the sun shone through the window in the green-tiled bathroom on the right. she curled up in the green bathtub, holding her knees to her chest. 051005 ... crOwl the distant bark of a neighborhood dog abruptly woke scott from dreamless sleep. he kept his eyes closed under flickering lids and lifted his hands from the thin sheet that covered his naked body and brought them methodically to his face. he could smell fish as usual and though he hated to do it, he dropped his hands, sat up on his elbows and peered through the slanted light filtering through the mini-blinds over at the red numbers of the digital alarm clock that rested on a worn copy of a milan kundera novel and next to a small halogen lamp on the thrift store purchased nightstand. he sighed with exasperation. five more minutes and the buzzer would scream its merciless, electronic reality reminder. i hate when that fucking happens, he thought. he leaned over and pushed the button to off and sat up against the headboard of their queen size bed, a gift from kayla's mother. looking over at the empty place beside him, the spot where kayla once slept before her bout of depression, the love nest where she gave her soft body to him, scott felt a twinge of disgust. "fuck," he muttered out loud. he reflected on her languid attempts at communication and shook his head with guilt. he had failed. he knew it. but no matter how hard he tried to rescue her she resisted. so he quit trying. he scratched at the back of his neck and stared at a framed photograph on the antique white painted wall of himself, kayla, and tim that clara took back in vegas. it was his favorite foto of all time. kayla looked completely happy. it had been weeks since he had witnessed a smile like that. scott yawned long and hard. he stood, stumbled over to the doorway of the open closet and holding on to the wooden trim, stretched, pushing the remnants of sleep out of his muscles and bones. he grabbed a clean pair of boxer shorts, stepped in to them and headed to the closed bedroom door. pushing through it, he entered the hallway and saw that the bathroom door was closed. what's up with that? he thought. "kayla?" scott said, his voice was raspy and scratchy. he tapped on the door lightly. no answer. scott grabbed the knob and turned. 051005 ... unhinged it was an old house. the wood was old, the fixtures were old. the humidity of the summer ocean swelled the doorframes and the handle on the bathroom door was so loose that often it didn't catch as you turned it to open the door. the swell of the wood made the door stick; unreasonable fear welled up in scott's throat. she had locked herself in the bathroom. he began to push on the door with his shoulder as he turned the knob and suddenly the door gave way underneath him. he tumbled into the bathroom to see her laying in the green tub with her back to the door. before he could say a word, she sat up with her back still towards the door. 'kayla...' she cut him off but her voice sounded tiny like a small child 'you didn't wake me up when you got home.' and then he noticed the boxcutter on the edge of the tub. scott knelt down at the tub edge and slowly turned her around. she pulled away but didn't shrug off his touch. her dirty hair jutted from her head in peculiar angles and she smelled like she hadn't bathed or changed her clothes in days. he was afraid to look anywhere but in her eyes, but her eyes only intensified his fear and his hands imperceptibly pulled away. kayla felt it and jerked away from his hands bringing up her arms between them and then he saw it. she covered her face with her hands like a twoyearold that believes if they can't see you, you can't see them. 'no no no; don't look at me like that. it's my fault.' kayla began to shake her head back and forth. scott froze. he didn't know what to do. early in their relationship she had tried to tell him about her depression; he remembered early conversations on the first greyhound. she was off balance then, locking herself in bathrooms and running off with tim, but he also remembered the way she used to smile at him back then. he had never seen her have a full blown fit; he had only seen scars not brand new marks. scott realized suddenly how much kayla had been hiding from him all these months. how the weight of something like that could force someone to climb into a bathtub with a boxcutter; how him leaving her alone on the couch in his exhaustion wasn't because he was too physically tired but too mentally tired. he couldn't remember the last time they had hugged or cuddled each other. he climbed into the tub and gathered her up. kayla was still covering her face with her hands. 'it's my fault; all my fault.' 'no kayla. it's not your fault. i don't know...what to do for you.' 'see, yes it is my fault because i don't know what to tell you. i thought maybe if i didn't tell you about it, it would go away.' she slowly lowered her hands from her face. 'but it never goes away. i don't know how to make it go away.' tears began to leak from her puffy eyes. scott pulled her towards him and kissed her forehead. she rested her head on his shoulder. 'i don't think i should work third shift anymore. i'll call in sick today. i haven't called in sick once yet.' her hands tightened around his waist and pulled him closer. 'i'm so sorry scott. i don't want to be like this.' 'we are going to fix this.' 051005 ... crOwl through a convoluted series of gentle coaxing and purposeful deliberation, scott managed to urge kayla to disrobe and plug the tub with the rubber stopper while he made the necessary and responsible phone call to work. he sat on a rocking chair they had found for ten dollars at a yard sale in santa paula and during the wait for his boss to pick up, he listened to the cascading pound of water on porcelain, a cheerful sound of renewal and he hoped she would let him join her. in the few, short months scott worked for gold coast cannery, his position rose from line worker to assistant foreman, from grunt labor and smelly fish guts to a place of leadership. so it came as not only a surprise to himself, but to his supervisor when his intended sick day call became a two-week's notice for a voluntary termination of employment. he realized as he heard the tub fill up that his perpetual absence from kayla was a major stumbling block and solid reason they had drifted apart. he didn't know what he would do for a job, he didn't care. the important thing was to show kayla he loved her and wanted to help her get better. in an unexpected move of graciousness, his boss told him to take the week-end off with pay. it was an auspicious omen to begin their task of defeating kayla's depression. when he hung up the receiver, he felt a brief twinge of panic, like when a child accidently lets go of a balloon and frantically watches it escape higher and higher into the air knowing it's gone forever, but suddenly a stranger leaps and catches it just before it goes beyond reach. yes, it is the right decision, scott thought. he pushed off the chair and danced into the hallway, leaving it to rock back and forth like the world he had just left behind. he entered the bathroom and found kayla with only her full moon face visible. the rest of her naked body was hidden under billowing clouds of frothy soap suds. her brown hair was slicked back behind her ears with two earrings reflecting the light of several candles. her eyes were closed and slowly opened when scott spoke. "may i join you?" he asked. his voice fragile, as if everything was delicate and breakable. "yes, you may," kayla answered. a slight smile formed on her pale lips like a sun struggling to rise after a long and sleepless night. the bathtub faucet released a few errant drops into the snowy foam. he could smell lavendar mixed with the scent of the fragrant candles. scott wriggled out of his boxer shorts as kayla sat up to make room for him behind her. he carefully stepped into the luxuriously warm water, noticing the fresh red lines on her inner arm, raised and screaming for attention. he winced, but it made him feel the expedience of quitting his job even moreso. he was relieved to find the boxcutter was gone. kayla laid back into him, resting her head in the crook of his neck. she sighed heavily as if she had been traveling on a long, arduous journey and finally reached the place that for weeks had eluded her grasp. scott felt her velvety smoothness and pressed his lips against her ear. he gazed down at the bareness of her lower thighs and knees where the bubbles had fallen away. a twinge of longing gathered in his groin. "i have a story i want to tell you," he whispered. suddenly kayla sat up and turned to face him. he could see the curve of her breasts and then where more suds melted, he caught a glimpse of her nipples, pink and swollen as kwanzen cherry blossoms bursting to bloom. he felt himself growing hard for her. "really?" she gasped. scott nodded. he was thrilled by her obvious excitement. "go ahead then," she urged and she settled back into him, feeling his erection, pressing her ass into it. "once there was a skinny goose," scott began. he could hear kayla lightly titter. "and it stood by itself in the middle of a quiet, country road. along came a woman riding a bicycle with a basket attached to the handlebars. she saw the goose and came to a stop. 'hey goose,' the lady said, 'looks like you should be taking better care of yourself.' 'put me in your basket and take me home and i will lay for you golden eggs.' the woman laughed and peddled away. "you're so skinny you couldn't even lay a normal egg.' kayla sat up again. "hey, i know this story!" she couldn't help but notice scott's arousal jutting out of the lather. she raised one eyebrow and smirked. "no, this one is different than the fairy tale," scott said. kayla took a handful of bubbles and made a beard around scott's mouth. he pushed up to her and kissed her. she wiped the soap from her cheeks and leaned back into him once more, firmly twisting her ass. "go on," she said, laughing. scott couldn't believe the change in her. "well, the next day, the goose grew sick and could barely stand. along came a man in a car. he stopped when he saw the goose. 'looks like you've seen better days,' he said, rolling down his window. the goose slowly lifted his head and choked out its words. 'better days you will have if you take me home in your car.' 'how is that possible with your sickness. you look like death warmed over.' 'i will lay for you golden eggs.' and the goose collapsed upon the road. the man rolled up his window and drove away shaking his head." kayla sat up and bolted upwards in the bathwater and stood, displaying the complete, dripping glory of her naked body to scott. "wait!" she yelled. "the goose doesn't die! along comes you and me. we pick it up, carry it home. wetake care of it, nurse it back to health and it lays a golden egg for us every day!" scott, thrilled by kayla's stirring reaction joined her. he reached for her and she embraced him with desperation, their bodies united. "and they live happily ever after." 051009 ... unhinged (when you square a circle there are only four points that intersect) 'i don't remember what i told you about it when we first met.' 'you told me how sammy used to find you on the bathroom floor, passed out before you ever followed through. you told me that you get so tired you don't want to get out of bed; that you spent almost two months in bed once.' scott paused to think. 'i told you that on the greyhound?' it sounded like the thought horrified kayla a little bit. 'and you also told me that jim carroll is one of your favorite poets and that i should listen to more modest_mouse. you told me a lot of things back then kayla. we were trapped on a bus together and you had just broke up with sammy. you were upset. it endeared me to you. that you trusted me enough to tell me ALL of that stuff and you barely knew me.' scott pulled her close to him on the bed and rubbed his hand up and down her back. her head rested on his neck. 'that's a fault of mine, how immediately i trust strangers. but it doesn't always turn out bad; i guess that's why i still do it even though it has screwed me over in the past.' scott lifted her face so he could look in her eyes. 'you deserve to be happy kayla. there's nothing wrong with you for wanting that. you are not a horrible person. i'm with you because i want to be....i had to chase you. remember? she smirked and then winced. 'tim....yeah, tim.' scott hugged her a little too tightly. he was kind of surprised when kayla put the picture of the three of them in their room. he had to admit it was helping him get over it faster though. she pulled away from him and half sat up. she stared at him a few seconds and bit her lip. scott waited for her to talk. 'this is going to be hard scott.' 'i know. that's why i quit my job.' 'what?! are you kidding? you better be kidding? how are we going to...' scott got on his knees and knocked her back down on the bed. 'you know we have money saved up from that job. after a month, hopefully you'll be doing well enough that i can start looking for another job. but still, we have enough money saved up to live on for at least three months. it's probably bad to put a time limit on things, but i'm not letting you get away from me again.' the whole time scott had been talking kayla's face slowly transformed from anger to a smile to almost crying. he kissed her and turned on the t.v. 'let's watch some t.v. and then i'll cook some breakfast/dinner.' 060112 ... . square_the_circle_chapter_18_ 060114 what's it to you? who go blather from